Lies we tell ourselves

SPOILERS

Just want to put my thoughts out there so i can revisit.

I really love how Xiaoxun and Lanxin's story was unraveled. You initially suspect LX then as more clues start coming up, your suspicions are misdirected and then you think you've got it, but you don't and the actual truth throws you for a loop. That was interesting. Also the whole reveal about XX's diaries was soo well done. I could relate because I remember also tweaking descriptions about the crushes I had in my high school diaries in case someone got access to my diary without my consent.

XX for sure was not mentally stable; she was just a very lonely girl who in her own way was trying to anchor herself to something to protect herself and survive. I truly think she knew deep down that LX was a woman, but she deluded herself into believing she was a man because that is her preference. XX drawing LX in her masculine style in her artbooks but not completing LX's face in the drawings is what makes me believe she knew LX was a woman for sure. She didn't complete the drawings because she couldn't have LX's female features show in the face but she also didn't want to draw her with male features on her face because she knew LX wasn't a man. She wanted to imagine that this person who has been her companion, who has protected her and made her feel happy was someone that fit into her image of an ideal type, a man. LX breaking up that illusion made it impossible for her to keep deluding herself. The one good thing that she thought was hers and could keep forever was confirmed to be false and having nothing else going on for her in her life, she saw no reason to continue living.

I feel bad for LX the most. She thought she was being seen and was being reciprocated with the same feelings, but all along she was just a stand-in for XX's fantasy. Not only was she faced with immense heartbreak, but she had to deal with seeing the person she liked harm herself because of her. LX is not at all to blame, but I can understand how one would carry guilt around after such an experience.

Overall, a really wonderful episode. Actors are working their butts off and the writing is exceptional. So looking forward to the rest of the episodes.

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SPOILER it is likely that they Killed the gay

SPOILERIt could be said that their relationship was entirely platonic, but it could be equally said that Xiao Xuan loved Qu Lan Xin, but only could process it if she forced herself to believe Qu Lan Xin was a boy, and Qu Lan Xin was also in love with Xiao Xuan, and thought Xiao Xuan loved her for who she was, but as we see at the end it's not true, and Xiao Xuan can't live with loving another woman and kills herself. It's also likely that Qu Lan Xin is gender queer in some way. I want to be happy that there was lesbian representation, but we're really past killing our gays. Even in China, though there has been some backsliding. Furthermore, it is likely that the producers were already thinking about how to slide things past the censors, whether or not the producers intended Under the Skin to be more than a bromance or not.Other than that, I like how Shen Yi is coming into his stride and Du Cheng is starting to let him grow on him.

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