Yuna

"If I could choose, I'd stop right here. But in reality, it's impossible. Both I... and Thiu... we have to keep living."

Why don't you just end me? If that's how you're gonna end the series, might as well take me with it. I didn't cry this whole show, and all of a sudden, Thiu and Kan start arguing and my tears kept flowing with no end in sight. I had already gotten spoiled in how this series was going to end, and yet, I still bawled like a baby. Really, I have no one but myself to blame here. Then I find out that Sammon wrote the novel of this, and yeah, everything makes sense. She is the absolute queen! No one be doing it like her, I swear. Every single one of her novel adaptations has been amazing, and I seriously hope she has more books left to adapt cuz I need them asap! Some people need drugs, and I need more Sammon stories!

The central focus of the plot was about euthanasia, one of the most debated topics to this day. There is no right or wrong; it is all about morals and ethics. About what one believes. And throughout the story, you meet so many different types of people with different stances on the matter. It's fascinating. No one here is wrong (except Boss, but I'll get to him soon), and you can't hate on anyone for having a different moral opinion than someone else (except, again, Boss).

The story was compelling, and the mystery was intriguing -- never trying to do too much. It kicks off with Thiu coming back to take care of his mother, only for her to pass away before he gets there. He meets Kan, who quickly becomes a suspect in a series of murders that start to take place, which were being disguised as natural deaths. This dynamic, as old as it is, never gets old to me. What starts as a lie, and perhaps pity, from Kan's end, quickly becomes love. And what starts as suspicious from Thiu, becomes affection. I love morally grey characters, and Kan was just the perfect example of this. And I love morally upright characters that begin falling for the one thing they can't. I just eat up this kind of dynamic up so badly.

I saw many people getting mad at Thiu for arresting Kan and not understanding why he did what he did. And yes, to a degree, I understand why everyone is mad. Kan was completely right in his argument -- Thiu doesn't know how much his mother suffered. He doesn't understand the pain that terminal illness patients have to go through. Kan was also correct in the fact that he did as the patients wished. He always got their consent, got a living will from them, didn't do anything that was morally unjustified. However, people seem to forget that Thiu is a man who has always put the law above anything else. His duty had always come before his relationships. As sad as it is, Thiu letting Kan go would just go against who his character is fundamentally. Maybe Thiu doesn't understand why Kan did what he did, maybe he never will, but Thiu does forgive him, as shown when he gave Kan the hydrangea flower at the end. Both of them were two characters who were unmoving in their views, and trying to shift that would just go against who they were. I'm not saying I'm happy with how it ended, because I, too, wanted Thiu to look the other way, but that was never going to happen. It had always been shown to us that it was never going to happen. No matter how perfect Kan's argument is, the law has no heart, and Thiu is a man who follows the law.

And the second thing that many people say was how Thiu didn't actually love Kan. But I'm sorry, were we not watching the same show? This relationship practically started on a lie from Kan's end. Yall just forgot that or something? Kan wanted to gain Thiu's trust, and said he was interested in him, and sure, he fell in love quicker than Thiu did, but it started on a lie regardless. Hell, it was probably out of guilt and pity, considering Thiu's mother said to look after Thiu after her death. So yeah, maybe Thiu used Kan's kindness and love for him to his advantage cuz he suspected him, but none of these characters are perfect.

Thiu has always been shown as someone who has his guard up. He doesn't love easily, and doesn't trust easily either. And he's a police officer for god's sake! So yeah, sue a guy for finding the man who likes him suspicious. Cuz news flash, he was!! Kan was so fucking suspicious. And a liar! Sure, Thiu took advantage of his kindness, but in the end, he still fell in love with Kan. But Kan lied, gaslit him into thinking his mother's death was natural, and shot a fucking guy to evade getting arrested. Thiu isn't perfect, but neither is Kan. Just because he is easier to sympathise with doesn't make Thiu the bad guy. Both of these characters are extremely flawed, and that's what makes them so human and compelling.

But I will say, though, the love Doctor Kan has for Thiu broke my heart. He is a man who is unapologetic in his views. Until the very end, he never apologised for euthanising his patients. He was meticulous in his plans, didn't leave a single piece of evidence, could have gotten away from the law if he wanted to. This man, who never thought he was wrong in his views and moral standing, knew he could simply walk away without getting arrested because Thiu didn't have any evidence against him, confessed simply because it was Thiu who asked him to. If that isn't love in its true form, then I don't know what is.

"If it's you asking." -- This line genuinely broke my heart. It will forever haunt me. And from this perspective, I get why people would be mad at Thiu. Kan was willing to let his ideals be seen as wrong for Thiu, but Thiu wasn't willing to put him above the law. It's gut-wrenching. But reality often is. Kan has always been the one who always felt more, while Thiu was the one who was more logical and rigid. Their views, and in the end, their personalities have, and always will, clash. Thiu loves Kan, forgives him, but I just never saw a world where Thiu would let him go. If this had been under a different company or a different writer, this reality wouldn't be so grim. But as much as I love fairytale endings, I appreciate that these characters never change who they are at their core.

I know in the novel they get their happy ending, and I will mourn that we never got to see that happen here. But the way it ended, it was realistic. It doesn't make me happy. Hell, if it were up to me, Thiu would be running away with Kan to a place where euthanasia is legal and live their lives happily ever after with two dogs. The law sucks, it's fucking shit, but if Kan can get away with evading the law because he was morally justified, then what else can people get away with in the name of morals? I'm on Kan's side 100% through the whole show -- but the law, at the end of the day, is the law. He would have to suffer the consequences eventually. It's just upsetting that it was in the hands of the man he loves.

Now let's talk about Boss. Sigh... This, ladies and gentlemen, is what I thought Kan was going to be at the start. Thank fuck it wasn't. Boss is someone who is so warped in his own moral high ground that he doesn't see right from wrong. Like Kan said, euthanasia is about consent -- a fact that Boss failed to see. He, in a sense, basically developed a saviour complex. And I get it, going through what he did as a kid can really fuck up one's psyche, but that doesn't mean I need to like him. Love his character, absolutely fascinating, but don't like him. He worshipped Doctor Kan so much that he became blinded to what euthanasia actually was, suddenly becoming disillusioned by it and tried to kill Kan for it.

It was his ending that pissed me off. The fact that he got to go in his own terms after committing so many murders, only for Kan to get prison time for doing what his patients wanted, made me so angry. Bastard didn't deserve it.

Now Somsak, he was the direct antithesis of Kan. He is a man who views things as black and white. He is a doctor, and yet, he will never see the right in ending someone's life early to relieve them from pain. While Kan sees death as something beautiful to help someone pass on with dignity, Somsak sees it as taboo, sees life as something that everyone should preserve, no matter how much in pain they are. Which, when you think about it, is quite ironic for someone who works as a doctor. He hates death, and yet chooses a profession that directly deals with it. Tragic, really. Even his own end.

And if Somsak was the direct antithesis of Doctor Kan, then Rin was the antithesis of Thiu. And I suppose this is the root of everyone's anger -- cuz if Rin can understand Kan and her father's wishes, then why can't Thiu do the same? And I guess, this is also where the tragedy lies. Rin was someone who grew up thinking her father was selfish, and in the end, she still thought that. Kan, on the other hand, never thought that with his mother. In fact, he was hardly around when his mother was ill, unlike Rin, who saw her father sick and in pain. While this is a question of morals, it's also about what they experienced. It only made sense that Rin would see Kan's pov more than Thiu.

Finally, the romance. BL fans are getting too comfortable, I swear. Why the fuck does a BL need to have NC scenes in order for it to be a BL? Yeah, the romance wasn't as prevalent in this show, but that's because it's something that happened in the background of the plot. Ya know, what a show is made out of? The plot wasn't the bloody romance, but the murder-mystery. I agree they should have developed it more, but we don't need a billion kisses and sex scenes to show romance. There is intimacy in the way Kan and Thiu look at each other, the way they hold each other, cry for the other. People are calling this a bromance cuz of the lack of kiss scenes, when they literally say I love you to each other (and fucking kiss, so this makes this whole argument even crazier). These people would have an aneurysm watching Chinese Bromances where we don't even get I Love Yous. If you want kisses and sex, then go watch something else, cuz romance and love aren't just about that.

I honestly didn't think this review would be this long, but this series just hit me in a way I didn't think it would. Euthanasia has always been a topic that interested me, and any shows that explore the topic always grab my attention. And this has gone far beyond my expectations. I'll have to keep telling myself that the novel has a happy ending, and will have to find it and read it, or I'll lose my fucking sanity over this. These two deserved so much better, but at the same time, if it wasn't for who they were, they would've never found each other and fallen in love. It's so depressing to think about that it makes me hate myself for watching this show when I knew I would be suffering the consequences. Fuck my life.

But on a parting note -- never help a woman die and then go fuck her son. I feel like there is something illegal there, I just can't prove it. Doctor Kan should be so lucky he got permission. And really, who can blame him? Thiu is a cutie patootie when he smiles.