kkimchay

this series is amazing.

SPOILERS.ok, i think it's about time i write my review for episode nine because i cried so much this episode to the point i had a headache. when i say i resonated and really, truly understood where dean was coming from alongside his feelings towards his father, i really mean it; that hit so close to home for me, i wasn't expecting it. for starters, the episode begun in such a beautifully domestic way, we saw dean cooking porridge for him and moth as well as flirting with him and being so sweet together which was everything but then obviously, it all got very upsetting the moment the news hit them. i cannot begin to say how much i relate to dean, the entirety of the episode we've seen him holding everything back and inside, pushing everything so far down so much so that it cannot stay afloat nor resurface. he tried to act happy, he tried to smile and brush things off, he tried to keep it all together and just be there as he is but deep inside, everything was clearly eating at him. from the very beginning of this series, we've all wondered what exactly made dean act in such a way, somebody who craves constant attention yet detaches themselves from commitment, responsibility and actual feelings. it's insecurities and fear, the fear that the actions of somebody so close to us would then be repeated through us. dean, all this time, has been afraid to make the same horrible decisions and actions as his father, he was afraid to lie and live in a lie which to him is what the dynamic of his family felt. i can relate to that so much, my experience is obviously not entirely the same down to the detail or whatever but the dynamic in my family is quite broken, i can't even remember the last time i spoke to my dad and i don't even have his number nor a way to get in contact with him whatsoever, i despise my mum's boyfriend but i try and try to act like everything is fine and i don't fucking hate everything, i want my mom to find someone better than him and so on. her choice was made by her to make herself feel happy again and feel loved again which she didn't get from my dad but in my eyes and for what i've experienced from then on, i've grown to harbor such deep-rooted hatred for him and i'll never forgive him for his insults towards my mom, me or my sister yet here he is, prancing and preening in the house every day and yet here i am, joking around with him and talking to him so that he doesn't have a reason to argue with my mom; and that's where i ask myself, is this truly, really the relationship my mom wanted after leaving my dad?my feelings have soured, i don't know how to feel about anyone in this dynamic, my dad, her or him. i love my mom, but i wish she'd found someone better for herself, not my dad, not him, just someone who would truly deserve her. and that's where i resonate with dean so much because the way he found out about his father's affair wasn't far from how i found ouf my mom was dating her boyfriend, curiosity kills the cat they say right? or breaks it. his whole family tells him that everyone has moved on, his mother tells him his father chose her still and she's forgiven him, his sister tells him he doesn't have to but he shouldn't allow that to stop him from letting somebody who truly deserves to love, not love him. dean understands that but there's just something that will always stick with you, where you'll feel hatred yet complex feelings towards that person as well as feeling nervous that you'd repeat their mistakes hence why dean would become the dean we saw in the earlier episodes. somebody who craves attention and acts tough yet, is somebody weak within who needs a lot of love and care. their 'break up' really hit very hard because although they hadn't made anything official, dean voiced his fear of everything about their relationship having been a lie and it, better end. although, the lie ended before it even truly got to seed itself within their relationship. they were both truly hurt in that moment, moth didn't want to push dean and dean didn't want to push moth - they just accepted it. the final scene where dean comes down the steps and sees moth, finally breaking down in tears and seeking his embrace was both a relief and also heartwrenching. a relief as he finally let everything out, he's finally letting himself be held, embraced and loved but heartwrenching because he's had to keep everything bottled up, he's had to hide his feelings for the comfort of his family, he had to put up an act like everything was okay when it truly wasn't and although an affair ended, the reprecussions it leaves behind and the scars never leave, they just scab, fall off and they fade. i'll keep reiterating that the reason i love this series, the reason i love you maniac so much and why i always get so defensive about it and frustrated (though it doesn't do much, everybody is entitled to their own viewpoint of it) is because the story is just so human. there's always layers and layers of complexity within us, there's years of suffering, acts and change yet, there's always space to grow and learn, space to understand one another and to accept each other for what we are and not for what we are made to be. nobody's perfect, there's no such thing as perfect and there's no perfect story either, sometimes it's just an experience. i don't want to say much more because i'll probably just repeat myself one way or another but i do hope at some point in time, people learn to appreciate the story more and not try to compare it with other stories that cover different genres. each story is unique to what it is and each story tells a tale of it's own, it doesn't make one better than the other, it just makes it so that it's more personal to one person than the other."this is the saddest face i can make."

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