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This review may contain spoilers
You’ve Got Male
What if the protagonists of ‘Futtara Doshaburi’ could actually communicate? The following review — in the form of an e-mail thread — imagines just that.
I. From Nakarai to Hagiwara
Ummm… Wrong address, mate.
II. From Hagiwara to Nakarai
Oops...
Now, in real life, this is where our correspondence would end. But we are in a JBL, so, let’s draw it out for 6 more episodes?
III. From Nakarai to Hagiwara
We are indeed! I am therefore obliged to say: you must be a very hard worker, you must be very tired, so well done, thank you, thank you for working hard and for being tired.
IV. From Hagiwara to Nakarai
Otsukaresama! Now it's my turn to say something weird to get this plot going: so, why don’t I ask a complete stranger to divide women — all women — into two groups. I’ll start: women who want to fuck, and women who don’t.
V. Nakarai to Hagiwara
A bit random, but sure. I suppose, women who wear make-up, and women who don’t? Let’s face it. In our world, portrayals of women range from disposable passivity to outright misogyny. I wonder where the needle will fall this time.
VI. Hagiwara to Nakarai
I guess I'm showing my true colours. I’m in a sexless relationship with a woman, you see. That could only mean one of two things: she’s into women, or she’s having an affair.
VII. Nakarai to Hagiwara
Join da club, dawg. My roommate is fit, and I want him to fuck me. But he won’t. That could only mean one thing: he’s a psychopath.
VIII. Hagiwara to Nakarai
Maybe *we* should get together? Not now, because that would put us both out of a job. Perhaps few episodes down the line?
Meanwhile, I met this arsehole at work today. He’s kind of cute. Since you’re so obviously — [to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it, I won’t say it] — “you know” ... I wonder if you’d fuck him. I mean, *I* would. I think.
IX. Nakarai to Hagiwara
Oh babes, is this flirting? If so, I hate to break it to you: but you might also be, “you know”…
By the way, I met a guy at work too. He’s a wimp. A hot wimp, but a wimp all the same. We stood under the rain for a bit, and he brought me an umbrella. So I’m guessing we’ll get married at the Imperial in 2 months?
X. Hagiwara to Nakarai
Good for you! I stood with someone under the rain too. That arsehole from work. What a coincidence. Wouldn’t it be funny if it were us?
XI. Nakarai to Hagiwara
Babes, we are in a BL… It *is* us!
XII. Hagiwara to Nakarai
Lol. Okay. Let’s do this then. Let’s do the rain thing again, fuck off to somewhere symbolic, like an art museum, and then send each other another “flirty” text. Imagine what would happen if we both *vibrated* at the same time, and our eyes met!
XIII: Nakarai to Hagiwara
I can hear the ovaries exploding already... What next?
XIV: Hagiwara to Nakarai
Well, we have three episodes left. The penultimate one will be the ‘big’ eleventh-hour crisis, where we swear off each other. We know that. So, we have to fuck in the next one, right?
XIV: Nakarai to Hagiwara
A quick learner, I see. I wonder if you’ll be just as quick in bed.
How about this? We try it with our insignificant others one last time, and when it doesn’t work, we'll meet under the rain, utter the title of the programme five times (like witches in Hocus Pocus, only less, "you know"), go to a love hotel, and then gently graze our bodies over each other? That counts as fucking, right?
XVI: Hagiwara to Nakarai
This is what you want me to leave my girlfriend for? Love, I’m going to dick you down. We may not show it on TV, because our producers are seasoned sadists. But it’s happening.
XVII: Nakarai to Hagiwara
Lolz. Bring it on. Is it alright if I just lie there like a wet log when you fuck me?
XVIII: Hagiwara to Nakarai
How did you know? Have you been talking to people behind my back?
Anyway, now that that's over, how are we going to create the obligatory pre-final crisis?
P. S. About last night, was I any good?
XIX. Nakarai to Hagiwara
Oh, surely we have foreshadowed this with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer? In my case, it must have something to do with my dead parents. Because in a BL, you always need to have dead parents. What is it in your case?
P. S. You were quite sweet, babes. Though not quite a love machine yet. You’re a bit too gentle, though eminently teachable, which is what matters.
XX. Hagiwara to Nakarai
Oh god! We made this big deal in the first episode about sniffing around our partner’s phones. Shit. Where is my phone? Where is it?
P. S. Just wait and see what I do to you after this show is over!
XXI. Nakarai to Hagiwara.
So, stuff happened. I’m not quite sure what. I just woke up with bruises all over my hands and body, and a possible hickie in my neck…
XXII. Hagiwara to Nakarai
What?! Call the police!
XXIII. Nakarai to Hagiwara
Absolutely not! This is a JBL. We don’t go to the police or acknowledge abuse! No, I’m going to use this as an excuse to split up from you, not communicate, and leave the viewers frustrated for another week. That’s how it’s done!
XXIV. Hagiwara to Nakarai
It is? What bell-end came up with that?
Anyway, I’ve broken up with my girlfriend. I still have no idea why she won’t have sex with me. Since we don’t acknowledge the existence of sexual identities here, I can’t use that as a reason. So, who the fuck knows? She does not seem to like the idea of two men together though. She finds it almost revolting. Now, if only there was a word for it.
Now, my love, go to the fucking police!
[A few weeks of non-communication later…]
XXV. Hagiwara to Nakarai
Okay, I think I’ve finally got the hang of it. Here’s how we bring everything to an anticlimactic conclusion: a friend who appears in two scenes to bring us together, your sadness (diddums!), the threat of me moving away, Fujisawa’s behaviour being motivated by dead parents, then rain, rain, symbolism, rain, sun-showers, rain, rain-showers, rain, rain in front of the museum, rain, umbrella, rain, kiss, rain… How does that sound?
XXVI. Nakarai to Hagiwara
Well, well. The student becomes the master! Perfect! And this time, *I’ll* have the umbrella. Geddit?
XXVII. Hagiwara to Nakarai
Genius! I’ll go book a love hotel now for the weekend, and download Deliveroo on my phone. You have lube, right?
***
This review is dedicated to JollyGolly, one of my first friends on MDL.
***
Reader’s Digest:
DO SAY:
When the sun shines, we'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath, I'ma stick it out to the end…
DON’T SAY:
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umburella
You can stand under my umburella, ella, ella, eh, eh, eh
I. From Nakarai to Hagiwara
Ummm… Wrong address, mate.
II. From Hagiwara to Nakarai
Oops...
Now, in real life, this is where our correspondence would end. But we are in a JBL, so, let’s draw it out for 6 more episodes?
III. From Nakarai to Hagiwara
We are indeed! I am therefore obliged to say: you must be a very hard worker, you must be very tired, so well done, thank you, thank you for working hard and for being tired.
IV. From Hagiwara to Nakarai
Otsukaresama! Now it's my turn to say something weird to get this plot going: so, why don’t I ask a complete stranger to divide women — all women — into two groups. I’ll start: women who want to fuck, and women who don’t.
V. Nakarai to Hagiwara
A bit random, but sure. I suppose, women who wear make-up, and women who don’t? Let’s face it. In our world, portrayals of women range from disposable passivity to outright misogyny. I wonder where the needle will fall this time.
VI. Hagiwara to Nakarai
I guess I'm showing my true colours. I’m in a sexless relationship with a woman, you see. That could only mean one of two things: she’s into women, or she’s having an affair.
VII. Nakarai to Hagiwara
Join da club, dawg. My roommate is fit, and I want him to fuck me. But he won’t. That could only mean one thing: he’s a psychopath.
VIII. Hagiwara to Nakarai
Maybe *we* should get together? Not now, because that would put us both out of a job. Perhaps few episodes down the line?
Meanwhile, I met this arsehole at work today. He’s kind of cute. Since you’re so obviously — [to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it, I won’t say it] — “you know” ... I wonder if you’d fuck him. I mean, *I* would. I think.
IX. Nakarai to Hagiwara
Oh babes, is this flirting? If so, I hate to break it to you: but you might also be, “you know”…
By the way, I met a guy at work too. He’s a wimp. A hot wimp, but a wimp all the same. We stood under the rain for a bit, and he brought me an umbrella. So I’m guessing we’ll get married at the Imperial in 2 months?
X. Hagiwara to Nakarai
Good for you! I stood with someone under the rain too. That arsehole from work. What a coincidence. Wouldn’t it be funny if it were us?
XI. Nakarai to Hagiwara
Babes, we are in a BL… It *is* us!
XII. Hagiwara to Nakarai
Lol. Okay. Let’s do this then. Let’s do the rain thing again, fuck off to somewhere symbolic, like an art museum, and then send each other another “flirty” text. Imagine what would happen if we both *vibrated* at the same time, and our eyes met!
XIII: Nakarai to Hagiwara
I can hear the ovaries exploding already... What next?
XIV: Hagiwara to Nakarai
Well, we have three episodes left. The penultimate one will be the ‘big’ eleventh-hour crisis, where we swear off each other. We know that. So, we have to fuck in the next one, right?
XIV: Nakarai to Hagiwara
A quick learner, I see. I wonder if you’ll be just as quick in bed.
How about this? We try it with our insignificant others one last time, and when it doesn’t work, we'll meet under the rain, utter the title of the programme five times (like witches in Hocus Pocus, only less, "you know"), go to a love hotel, and then gently graze our bodies over each other? That counts as fucking, right?
XVI: Hagiwara to Nakarai
This is what you want me to leave my girlfriend for? Love, I’m going to dick you down. We may not show it on TV, because our producers are seasoned sadists. But it’s happening.
XVII: Nakarai to Hagiwara
Lolz. Bring it on. Is it alright if I just lie there like a wet log when you fuck me?
XVIII: Hagiwara to Nakarai
How did you know? Have you been talking to people behind my back?
Anyway, now that that's over, how are we going to create the obligatory pre-final crisis?
P. S. About last night, was I any good?
XIX. Nakarai to Hagiwara
Oh, surely we have foreshadowed this with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer? In my case, it must have something to do with my dead parents. Because in a BL, you always need to have dead parents. What is it in your case?
P. S. You were quite sweet, babes. Though not quite a love machine yet. You’re a bit too gentle, though eminently teachable, which is what matters.
XX. Hagiwara to Nakarai
Oh god! We made this big deal in the first episode about sniffing around our partner’s phones. Shit. Where is my phone? Where is it?
P. S. Just wait and see what I do to you after this show is over!
XXI. Nakarai to Hagiwara.
So, stuff happened. I’m not quite sure what. I just woke up with bruises all over my hands and body, and a possible hickie in my neck…
XXII. Hagiwara to Nakarai
What?! Call the police!
XXIII. Nakarai to Hagiwara
Absolutely not! This is a JBL. We don’t go to the police or acknowledge abuse! No, I’m going to use this as an excuse to split up from you, not communicate, and leave the viewers frustrated for another week. That’s how it’s done!
XXIV. Hagiwara to Nakarai
It is? What bell-end came up with that?
Anyway, I’ve broken up with my girlfriend. I still have no idea why she won’t have sex with me. Since we don’t acknowledge the existence of sexual identities here, I can’t use that as a reason. So, who the fuck knows? She does not seem to like the idea of two men together though. She finds it almost revolting. Now, if only there was a word for it.
Now, my love, go to the fucking police!
[A few weeks of non-communication later…]
XXV. Hagiwara to Nakarai
Okay, I think I’ve finally got the hang of it. Here’s how we bring everything to an anticlimactic conclusion: a friend who appears in two scenes to bring us together, your sadness (diddums!), the threat of me moving away, Fujisawa’s behaviour being motivated by dead parents, then rain, rain, symbolism, rain, sun-showers, rain, rain-showers, rain, rain in front of the museum, rain, umbrella, rain, kiss, rain… How does that sound?
XXVI. Nakarai to Hagiwara
Well, well. The student becomes the master! Perfect! And this time, *I’ll* have the umbrella. Geddit?
XXVII. Hagiwara to Nakarai
Genius! I’ll go book a love hotel now for the weekend, and download Deliveroo on my phone. You have lube, right?
***
This review is dedicated to JollyGolly, one of my first friends on MDL.
***
Reader’s Digest:
DO SAY:
When the sun shines, we'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath, I'ma stick it out to the end…
DON’T SAY:
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umburella
You can stand under my umburella, ella, ella, eh, eh, eh
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