Honglou Meng

The Ten Commandments of TBL

These are the commandments that have been handed down to us by the gods of Taiwanese BLs. They shall be the commandments by which any present and all future TBLs may be judged.

1. Thou shalt violate an apparent taboo. So it is that a stepbrother may lie in the Biblical sense with another stepbrother, or a stepfather with a stepson, or a teacher with a student. But a real taboo, thou shalt violate not. For it is a sin. Our purpose here is titillation, not transgression.

2. Thou shalt not utter the word ‘gay’. For it is a sin. Thou mayst love another man, but if anyone shall ask of thee if thou dost, thou mayst answer, “I like not men, I like only you.”

3. Thou shalt always include more than one same-sex couple. For it is the law. The number assigned to thee is two. One is too little, for it adheres too close to the earthly realm; three too much, for it adheres too close to the realm of Thai BL.

4. Employ thou a verily bright colour saturation in thy film, to mask the limitations of thy capital and thy cinematographer.

5. Apply thou, always, a verily thick, sweet, intrusive, and insistent music over thy graven images, to mask the limitations of thy talent and thy words. Drown out all the tender and vital moments of thy show with melodies made by AutoTune Pro, and lyrics conjured by Google Translate.

6. Remember thou that there exist only three acceptable settings for a TBL: a school, a university, and a criminal enterprise (the Lord doth favour the mafia). For these do encompass all of life. Thou mayst aim for complexity by leavening one of the first two settings with the third. Leviticus doth indeed condemn leavening, but it is not prohibited by the gods of BL.

7. Thou shalt have no balance. Remember thou that men must fall over and into each other at every step, puddle, path, street, game, instrument, opportunity, or obstacle in existence. This, and this alone, shall be the occasion for their first kiss. The said kiss may be accidental, forced, or incite a wide-eyed surprise. But a loving nor sensual kiss it may not be.

8. Thou shalt depict at least one instance of fornication in thy tale. Or two, if thou hast taken care enough to inscribe a story for the second(ary) couple. But the act shall not unfold until the penultimate chapter. Thou shalt tease thy viewers for ten long hours, and grant them gratification for ten short seconds, which to most shall be proof positive that Moses was heterosexual. Thou mayst inflict additional torture upon thy viewers by interrupting the said gratification with deafening music and wanton cuts.

9. Thou shalt choose from the following any number of ornaments to embellish thy tale: gentle wiping of the lips (for there is a general want of raiment in our kingdom), gentle forehead kiss, gentle lock-of-hair restoration, gentle somnolent confession, a gentle fever, a gentle towel bath for said fever, a gentle pour-over coffee, a gentle post-modern coffee-shop to house that coffee, and forget not thou, a not-so-gentle last-minute conflict, a forced separation, or a wandering to parts abroad wherein shall cease all modern communication. If imagination thou lackst, thou mayst construct a story from these elements alone.

10. Thou shalt by no means indicate homophobia in thy tale, unless it furthereth thy plot and our cynical purpose. Friends and family shall be universally supportive, unless it force a separation between thy characters. (Parents and spouses shall be left otherwise dead, be it from accident or ailment, to anoint the show with cheap sentiment.) Remember thou, always, that this is a world of pandering fantasy, not reality.

Biblical Proportions:
Commandments Broken: 8 (partly).
Commandments Obeyed: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 (again and again and again), 9, 10.

Observations:
Well, this one is for the books. Every TBL commandment was kept to the letter, except, in small part, for the 8th, and that too only because the love scene between the teacher and student came so early. But then, that scene was so badly done that I wonder if the commandment was broken after all.
There is no writing in this show to speak of, no script, no real story-telling, no serious attempt at characterisation. Nothing. Just the loose outlines of an imaginary BL... The experience of watching this show is something akin to ordering a small package on Amazon. You order a simple toothbrush, and are shocked to find, the next day, a huge cardboard box sitting at your door step, only to realise that, when you open it, there are 7 smaller boxes inside, each stuffed with shredded paper and bubblewrap. By the time you get to the final box, you forget what you ordered, what has arrived, and what you were looking for. You just know there is a huge mess to clean up, and that a lot of trees have given up their lives for it.
The men are beautiful, two of them quite sexy, and for that reason, I gave 'casting' a 5. If any of the actors start *acting*, someone please let me know. I'll be sleeping in the back.
There will be, I imagine, a lot of hand-wringing and pearl-clutching about the teacher-student relationship. But, as the first commandment states, this is just an apparent taboo. No trust has been broken, no consent violated. The age gap is dimunitive, the "teaching" is more like tutoring (lasting a mere few weeks), and both men are above the age of consent. There are no interesting or troubling power dynamics at play here. Nothing to be outraged about. It's just dull.
Finally, for fucks' sake, just say it. It's not the fucking plague. And we are not in Florida.. So say it. Yu Xing is gay. Come, say it with me: "gay". See? The world didn't fall apart.

Verdict:
This is a dreadful show. It might even be one of the worst BLs to come out of Taiwan. Avoid it. Avoid it like radioactive waste.

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: Blessed Art Thou, O Lord
DON'T SAY: That Don't Impress Me Much

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Aaaaaabsolute Disarseter

This, I imagine, is what the first draft of the script for "A Perfect Match" looked like:

Scene 1.
[A wet dream.]
[Morning wood.]
[Lingering shots of Xiao Nan showering. Ummmm…. Aaaaaaaaabs.]
[Lather. Rinse. Repeat.]
[Product placement.]
[Dead parents.]
[Gran sad.]

Scene 2.
[Nan's late for an interview. Saves a girl.]
[Boss bad. Girl his sister.]
[Product placement.]
[Dead parents.]
[Gran sad.]

Scene 3.
Evil woman: Flirt with me. I’m the straight devil.
The Villain: I will, baby. Now fuck off, Nan, you perfect-bodied handsome god, you.
[Note to casting: Make sure the villain is the ugliest member of the cast.]
Xiao Nan mewls.
[Lingering shots of Xiao Nan (and the villain) showering. Ummmm…. Aaaaaaaaabs.]
[Lather. Rinse. Repeat.]

Scene 4.
[Xiao Nan and The Boss meet, get drunk, and talk about...]
[Dead parents.]
[Lingering shots of Xiao Nan showering. Ummmm…. Aaaaaaaaabs.]
[Lather. Rinse. Repeat.]
[Product placement.]
[More product placement.]
[Near kiss. Even more product placement.]
[The little girl is a brat.]
Director’s Note: All very well, but where’s the dialogue in this?

Scene 5.
[Introduce a supportive fujoshi.]
[Product placement.]
[Yes, this whole episode is for product placement. It's called multi-level marketing.]
[Lingering shots of Xiao Nan showering. Ummmm…. Aaaaaaaaabs.]
[Lather. Rinse. Repeat.]

Scene 6.
[Boss and Xiao Nan play tennis.]
[Both take their tops off, for no apparent reason.]
[Ummmm.... Aaaaaaaaabs…. Peeeeeeecs… Niiiipples....]
[Boss has an unexpectedly hot body.]
Xiao Nan's Thirst: That tattoo! Wreck me daddy… Destroy me king…
Xiao Nan: I think I might fall in love with you. So, I'm going to go.
Boss: I like you too, so I'm going to let you go.
[Brat sister screams.]
[The villain wants a second serving of Xiao Nan.]
Everyone: Who doesn’t?

Scene 7.
[Brat sister screams again.]
[Xiao Nan shows he can bitch-slap.]
[The villain wants a rematch with the boss. They play tennis. The boss wins. Obvs.]
[The hotties kiss. Finally.]
[Gran sees.]
[Gran sad.]
[Fujoshi consoles.]
[Product placement.]
Director’s Note: Seriously. Will there be any meaningful dialogue in this show?

Writers: Aaaaaaabs…olutely not.

Scene 8.
[Gran sad because boy loves boys.]
Gran: You a whore?
Xiao Nan: No....
[Cut to Xiao Nan, who's now having rampant, rambunctious sex with Boss.]
[Camera cuts back to Gran again, who’s suddenly happy, for no reason whatsoever.]
[Product placement.]
[Lingering shots of Xiao Nan showering. Ummmm…. Aaaaaaaaabs.]
[Lather. Rinse. Repeat.]

Scene 9.
[Tennis match. Someone wins.]
[The villain creates a conflict. Let’s see, he pretends to be injured so that the boss can be jealous?]
[Boss jealous.]
[Lingering shots of... ]
Writers: Wait. What the fuck? Where's the shower scene? What's going on?
Director's Note: I think we've had enough showering, don't you?
Writers: Aaaaaabs... so.. fucking... not!

Scene 10.
[The leads reconcile.]
[Xiao Nan becomes a wife and a cook.]
[The kid's still a brat.]
[Gran's a bit useless.]
[Beach trip. Shirtless frolicking. Ummmm... Aaaaaaaaabs.]
[Product placement.]
[They all live happily ever after... in a surprisingly tiny flat.]
Note from the Producers: What?!?!? That's it? The final scene is not of the boys showering together? After all this fluffing, you won't even finish us off?

Verdict:
This is one of the worst shows I have ever seen. I loved it.


Reader’s Digest:
DO SAY: sPectacular...
DON’T SAY: exPectorant...

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PecBros, or, Peccentric Bromance

This is how I imagine the pitch meeting for this show went:

WRITERS: So, we have a proposal for a new BL. One that is radical and fresh and new and innovative...
PRODUCERS: What is it?
WRITERS: It’s a Thai BL crossed with a Korean BL.
PRODUCERS: Brilliant!! Go nuts!
WRITERS: Great! How much money do we get?
PRODUCERS: Nothing.
DIRECTOR: Hang on... (To the writers:) Talk us through it.
WRITERS: Well, there's this Thai dude who comes to study at Korea, and he's best friends with this Korean dude because they grew up together, and...
PRODUCERS: In the same country?
WRITERS: Yes.
PRODUCERS: Which one? Thailand or Korea?

WRITERS: Exactly.
DIRECTOR: Well, which is it?
WRITERS: Which isn't it?
PRODUCERS: O... kay...
WRITERS: Anyway, the Thai dude goes to the same university as his buddy, and they decide to share the same room. Will they be more than friends? That's the story.
(Everyone sighs.)
CASTING DIRECTOR: So, I'm guessing we’ll need to find a Korean actor who speaks Thai, and a Thai actor who speaks Korean?
PRODUCERS: Who are also willing to be in a BL? Forget it. Too expensive.
WRITERS: What do we do then?
PRODUCERS: We get around it.
DIRECTOR: How? By giving them a few language lessons?
PRODUCERS: Of course not. Let's just have the Thai guy speak Thai, and the Korean guy speak Korean. Easy.
WRITERS: But…
PRODUCERS: But what?

WRITERS: If the Thai actor cannot speak Korean, and the show is set in Korea, how will he interact with all the other Korean characters in the show?
PRODUCERS: What characters?

WRITERS (shuffling through their papers): Well, so far, we have a couple of university students, a gym teacher, and of course, a fujoshi.
CASTING DIRECTOR: That would be a problem.
PRODUCERS: Hmmm... Well, why don't we just say that all the students are majoring in Thai, that the gym teacher loves Thai culture, and the fujoshi… well, can’t she just love Thai food?

WRITERS: Yet none of them can speak a word of Thai?

DIRECTOR: Well, what are the boys supposed to be studying at college?
WRITERS: I think they’re studying… (They talk among themselves and fumble through the pages.) Ummm... something physical education-y.
PRODUCERS: In other words, something that gets them to the gym in order for us to see them topless.
(The writers remain silent.)
PRODUCERS: Then why the fuck does any of it matter?
Just throw them in the gym, take a few thirst traps, and give it a theme tune. Done.
DIRECTOR: Ummm… Not to be a wet blanket or anything. But is there a plot somewhere around the corner?

WRITERS: We’re still working on it.
DIRECTOR: What do you mean "working on it"?

WRITERS: We have an element of mystery. We think the gym teacher might be involved in a murder.
DIRECTOR: Might be? Surely you, as writers, should know what happens?
PRODUCERS: You a rookie? He's just a hunk of meat. (To the writers): Isn't he?
DIRECTOR: Well, you’re not helping matters. If we have good actors, or better scriptwriters... no offence...
WRITERS: None taken.
DIRECTOR: What am I supposed to do now?

PRODUCERS: Relax. This is BL 101. You need arms, pecs, abs, and ass. You need some “angst”, whatever the fuck that means, and you need a happy ending. Don’t tell me the girls won’t eat this up.
WRITERS: They have a point.
PRODUCERS (clapping their hands twice): Get to it, then. Make us some money.
CASTING DIRECTOR: This is going to be a fun couple of months.
DIRECTOR: What could possibly go wrong?


And this is how I imagine the post-production meeting went:

PRODUCERS: Remind us, which one of you was the editor on this project? (A hesitant hand goes up.) You're fired. And who did the cinematography? You’re fired too. Now, who did the music? (Another hesitant hand goes up.) Give the man a raise. He knows how to trap that thirst.
(A long pause.)
Now, where are the screenwriters?
WRITERS: Here.
PRODUCERS: Tell me, have you ever considered writing for gay porn? Because your talents are wasted here.
WRITERS: Oh! Wait... what?
PRODUCERS (sighing): It's one thing to have no plot. Which is what you came to us with in the first place. But now, you have given us a murder mystery in which the real villain was... drumrolls please...
CASTING DIRECTOR: Oh, you want us to do the actual drumroll?
DIRECTOR: Interesting.
PRODUCERS: The fat guy! The fat guy!! You know, the one who steals other people's food, who can't control himself or his feelings, and who therefore deserves to die? Him. This is what you were going for. In 2024.
(The writers are silent.)
PRODUCERS: Tell me, was he meant to be gay as well? Not that we acknowledge the existence of gays in KBLs, of course. Or did you make that vague on purpose, so that your audience wouldn't have to think of him as a sexual being?
WRITERS: No... It's just...
PRODUCERS: You do realise you've managed to write a show in which a YouTube influencer is *not* the worst person in the world? Now that’s an accomplishment.
DIRECTOR: What are you so mad at them for? You green-lit the project!
PRODUCERS: Yes, back when we thought it was about two cute boys hitting the gym, bonding over Thai food, and lip reading in different languages. We didn't expect a bibimbap of anti-fat prejudices and pro-protein-shake propaganda. Didn't we have enough of that in Blueming?
DIRECTOR: What do you want us to do then? Pull the project?
PRODUCERS: No, of course not. (Sighs.) When you've been in the business for as long as we have, you'll realise that people will watch anything. Most BL is queer-bait-and-switch anyway.
DIRECTOR: What then?
PRODUCERS: Send it to focus group -- but make sure there's no one gay, fat, or above 40 in it -- and see how often they say 'fluffy' or 'cute'. If it's more than 50%, release it.
WRITERS: So you want us to release something that you yourself hate?
PRODUCERS: Of course. Haven't you seen the Producers?


Reader's (Google Translated) Digest:
DO SAY: Krub, C̄hạn rạk khuṇ, Annyeonghaseyo, Salanghaeyo.
DON'T SAY: H̄yud ley. Kkeojyeo.

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The P'orn Supremacy

It has become clear to me, from the very first scene, that the producers of this magnificent show must have hired someone from the gay porn industry as a consultant. This, I believe, is how their pre-production meetings went.

Day 1.
The Producer: Alright, everyone. The results are in, and the trends are clear. There is now a clear north-south divide in the BL audience. Those who seek chaste BLs of cute boys go to Korea or Japan. If they want stepbrothers, they go to Taiwan. If they want pure spice, they come to us. Now, the greatness that is Mame showed us how low — I mean, how far — we can go. We now have to up our game. So, I have hired a consultant, Thunder Thighs, from the world of gay porn…
Writer 1: Oh god.
The Producer: …to help us improve our offering. Let’s give him a warm welcome.
Thunder (to thunderless applause): Cheers. Now, let’s get to work. Show me what you have.
Writer 1: I think we’ve covered all the basics. At least 3 couples; tall tops, short bottoms; rich tops, poor bottoms; boss tops, subordinate bottoms; slutty tops, virgin bottoms…
Thunder: Yeah, I get the idea. Any of them dom tops?
Writer 2: One is, absolutely; the other is for chaste-chasers, or, chaters, if you will.
Writer 1: We also have the tried-and-tested office setting, token women, time jump, accidental fall-and-catch, ten-percent body fat…
Thunder: Good, good. Any openly gay guys in it?
Writer 1: Not really. "Don't say 'gay'" is sort of our policy here.
Thunder: Good. Nothing is more off-putting in gay porn than having gay men in it.
Writer 2: Really?
Thunder: Yeah, the thrill is all about seducing a straight guy. What about the other guys? Are they “straight”?
Writer 2: Well, technically, they would be bisexuals.
Writer 1: But we don’t acknowledge them. Or use that word.
Thunder: Promising.
Writer 2: Do you want to hear the story?

Thunder: Oh, no one cares about that. People just fast forward to get to the good stuff.
The Producer (puzzled): Why then have it in the first place?
Thunder: To give the illusion of reality. You have to be able to believe that there is a world in which you can “pay the pizza guy back” by servicing him, or that you can “convert” a “straight” guy gay…
Someone at the back: Ah, so this is another form of “conversion therapy”?
The Producer: You’re fired.

Day 2.
Writer 1: So, this is how the story begins. An inexperienced youth is initiated into the rites of gay romance by a brash senior. Time pulls them apart. But then, a few years later, they end up working at the same office, and…
Thunder: How does the initiation happen?
Writer 2: What? Oh. Well, we thought that they could spot each other across a Buddhist temple, know that they were meant for each other, bump into each other -- literally -- the top will then catch the bottom...
Thunder: What the fuck is this? The Hallmark Channel? This won’t do. Here’s how you do it. The old’un’s the top, yeah? Have him wank off secretly in a public place…
Writer 2: Secretly… in a public place?
Thunder: Yes. Then have the bottom catch him in the act, by hiding clearly where the top can see him.
Writer 2: Hiding, where he can be seen? 

Thunder: Yes. Then the top catches him watching, pulls him in, and says, ‘You’re so hard! Come, I’ll give you a hand shandy and make you come." He'll go: "But I thought you were straight?" Wait… can the top be his stepbrother?
Writers (together): No!
The Producer (at the same time): Sure!
Thunder: Never mind. You’ve seen gay porn. You know what comes next. One of them says: “Have you ever done this before?” The other guy says: “no”. Then, "Do you want to try?" Then, "Sure." Now, you must avoid kissing if possible, yeah? Kissing is “gay”. But if they must kiss, have the top say: “Can I kiss while I wank you off? It’ll be hotter.” The bottom says: “What if we get caught?” The top goes: “We won’t…”
Writer 1: You want us to put all of this in the first episode?
Thunder: Are you kidding? This is the first scene!

Day 3.
Writer 1: Should we talk about the other couples?
Thunder: Must we?
Writer 1: Yes.
Thunder: Okay. What's the deal with the other gays?
Writer 1: Well, we were going to have them as a sweet, romantic alternative to the spiciness of the first.
The Producer: We have to cater to the non-horny people, Mr Thighs. Otherwise, they’ll go to Korea.
Thunder (looking at the cast photos and finding Yoon): Wait… Isn’t this the guy from Unforgotten Night? Are you telling me we're not going to see his back tattoo? That he won't fuck his chump against a desk in his office?
Writer 2: His Champ. And you do know that wasn't a real tattoo, right?
Thunder: What's your point?
The Producer (getting up): Perhaps now would be a good time for a break.

Writer 1: Wait, what about the lesbian couple? (To the Producer): Are we allowed to say “lesbian” in Thai BL/GL?
The Producer: No.
Thunder: Sorry, love, I’ve nothing to contribute to that. If you want to fetishise or demean lesbians, go to straight men.

Day 4.
Writers (walking into the room and slamming the table): What the fuck are you doing to our script?
Thunder: There was a script?

The Producer: Let’s all calm down.
Writer 2: Why have you butchered half the scenes? And why does each episode read like a sex-ed class from a gay porn star?
Thunder: Because, darling, it is. What else have I got to work with?
Writer 1: Plot? Characterisation? Dialogue?

Writer 2: There *is* a story here, can't you see? Jun is the only one with integrity. Sorn is lying to himself and to Jun. But as the story moves along, their roles will reverse. Sorn's girlfriend...
Thunder: Can you show me where in the script you've written all that? Because I can't find it. The only thing I can find is horniness. If sex is what brings them together, why not make it front and centre? No one's staying for the dialogue.
Writer 1 (to the Producer): You hear that? That’s the nail in my coffin.

Day 5.
Thunder: Alright, where are we so far? We’ve had the handshake, the kiss, the steam, and the straddle. We now have to do the… Wait... Wait a sodding minute. (Thumbing through the whole script.) This thing has 12 episodes? How the fuck are you going to drag it out that long?

Writer 1: Oh, don’t worry about that. We have it refined down to a fine art.
Thunder: How’s that?
Writer 2: We'll start with some denial. That long river in Africa. We'll then introduce an unlikeable girlfriend for the top, and a gentle love interest for the bottom. We'll make them all jealous. Then, we'll use the two most powerful weapons in our arsenal...
Thunder: Which are?
Writer 2: Misunderstanding and miscommunication. Believe me, you can mine these two babies to keep the plot turning for at least six episodes.
Thunder: And the rest?
Writer 2: That’s where the side couples come in.
Thunder: So, what you’re telling me is that this time, you don’t even have enough material for 8 episodes that you had to bring me in.
The Producer: That is correct. So, what’s next?
Thunder: How bold do you wanna go?

The Producer: I mean, we opened the first episode with a handjob…
Thunder: Then how about we open the fourth with a flatiron?
Writer 2: What's that?
Thunder: Google it.

Day 6.
The Producer: So, we're all in agreement? We’ll keep Thai and Chump — I mean Champ — for the softies: soft, gentle, and with flags so green that all of Ireland would be offended…
Writers: Fine.
The Producer: Now, as for Sorn and Jun…
Thunder: You’d better let them breed like rabbits if you want the people hooked. You've got to put the Dom back in Condom; the Ass back in passive.
Writer 1: Oh, does that mean we’re allowed to show some realistic elements of safe gay sex on screen? Condoms, lubes, preparations?
Thunder: Don't be a douche.

Writer 2: Yes, douche too.
Thunder: Funny. But people don’t wanna see all that mess, yeah? They just want a clean shot. Geddit?
Writer 1: I'll add that to my list of reasons to die.
Writer 2: So what's next? What do we do with Sorn and Porn? I mean, Jun?
Thunder: Well, you've vetoed 'stepbrothers'. We’ve done 'straight-to-gay'. So, I guess the next big thing would be ‘roommate' porn, and almost ‘getting caught’. Run with those.
Writer 2: Right in front of my salad?

Day 7.
Script Editor: I quit. There is no meaning to life anymore.
(Storms out of the room.)
Thunder: What’s her problem?

Writer 1: Let’s see, we've gotten so bored with Chai — Champ and Thai, that is — that their storyline's now as bland as camomile tea. Penny breaks up with P'Sorn in a scene so amicable that Gwyneth Paltrow would look at it and say, ‘that’s bullshit’. And then, all of a sudden, Penny is just ready to scissor Jun in the middle of the office…
Thunder: Oh please, as if you BL writers were ever interested in the romantic life of lesbians.
The Producer: I mean, that's fair.
Writer 2: But you’ve mangled the script so much that nothing makes sense anymore.
Thunder: You loved the nipple play though, right?
Writer 1: Yes, the dialogue is scintillating. “Don’t mess with my nipple.” “But it’s so tiny and cute.”
Writer 2: I can’t believe I’m about to say this: but the writing is better in porn.
Thunder: Why, thank you. I'm flattered.

Day 8.
Writer 1: What next?

Thunder: Cottaging.
Writer 2 (to the Producer): How far are we willing to push it?
Thunder: Swallowing, if you want to be demure. Cum shot, if you want to be bold.
Writer 2: Jesus Christ.
The Producer: Meanwhile, please welcome our new addition to the team... Chad.
Thunder: He’s straight, isn't he?

The Producer: Yes. I’ve brought him in to advise us on the GL scenes.
Thunder: You do realise I was joking last week, right?

The Producer: So?


Day 9.
Thunder: Missionary Accomplished!
The Producer (raising his glasses): Here's to Oat and Boat!
Everyone: To Oat and Boat!
The Producer: How did you come up with the scene against the mirror? It was inspired.
Thunder: It's from one of my movies, Willy Wanker.

Day 10.
Writer 2: Oh, you haven’t shredded our script for the next two episodes?
The Producer: I’d argue that it reads somewhat better than before.
Writer 1: How come?

Thunder: Here’s the problem with you ladies. You seem to think that sex is something supplementary to a story. It isn’t. Sex is an integral part of the story. The human story. Evolution shaped us for it. And sometimes, as here, sex *is* the story.
Writer 2: What’s your point?
Thunder (sighing): The emotional connection between the boys is built on sex, innit? It ain't books or music. It 's also their main way of expressing trust, distrust, pleasure and pain.
Writer 2: That's suprisingly thoughtful.
Thunder: So, when their physical relationship falls apart, their emotional relationship falls with it. Even if the reasons you give for it are daft, as is the case here.
Writer 1: Daft?

Thunder: Please, you thought Sorny’s backstory would convince anybody? Why don’t you give him a spray-on beard while you're at it and show people how sad he is?
(The writers look at each other, wondering if it’s not a bad idea after all.)

Day 11.
(Back from the actors’ workshop):
Thunder: No, no, no, no, no. Nope. I can’t work with those two. I can’t.
The Producer: Why not?
Thunder: Did you take a look at their "acting"? There was more sexual chemistry between oil and water than those two. They touch each other as if they had visible eczema. Can’t you abandon them, like you abandoned the lesbians? Subtle, by the way. What, did you fire Chad after one day?
The Producer: But Yoon & PunPun have signed a contract saying they’d do at least three sex scenes. We’ve already paid them for it.
Thunder: Baffling. Who’d want to watch those wet wicks instead of real fireworks?
Writer 1 (sighing): I told you. We could have done without the side couples. And we could have spent that time to properly allow the characters to come out and be happy together. But no, you insisted on at least three to cater to everyone.
The Producer: I need to hedge my bets, okay? I'm only in it for the money. So stop hounding me.

Day 12.
The Producer: Alright, everyone. It's the last day. Let’s go out with a bang, shall we?
Writer 2: Two bangs, according to the script.
Thunder: A bang and a whimper is all you'll get. Can’t make a horse drink water, can we?
Writer 1: ChatGPT will soon take care of that. But what do you suggest for now?
Thunder: Tell Yoon to stop poking his tongue out like a goldfish. That would be one. Then, standing doggy in the staircase?
Writer 2: For whom?
Thunder: Both. I don’t care. Nor will the audience. They'll have tuned out by Ep. 10, trust me. So, just wrap it up, and churn the same stuff -- jealousy, aggression, possessiveness, horniness -- one last time.
Writer 1: Done.
(The Producer sighs.)
Thunder: Just make sure Boat’s shirt is unbuttoned, yeah? It leaves something to the imagination.
Writer 1: How about we also drop Oat’s trousers as well? To further fire up the imagination.
Thunder: My work here is done.


Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: Your Oat Floats My Boat
DON'T SAY: Bring back the back tattoo

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The Ten Commandments of KBLs

These are the commandments that have been handed down to us by the gods of Korean BLs. They shall be the commandments by which any present and all future KBLs may be judged. (N. B. See below for an explanation of my ratings.)

1. Thou shalt not kiss. Thou shalt not, in any meaningful sense of that word, "kiss". Thou mayst, however, press thy lips against another man’s as thou wouldst a leper’s.

2. Thou shalt not utter the word ‘gay’. For it is a sin. Thou mayst love another man, but if any man shall ask of thee if thou dost, thou mayst answer, “I like not men, I like only you.”

3. Thou shalt refrain from all carnal desires. For it is a sin. The submissive shall resist all attempts at intimacy, and the dominant may not pursue the submissive unless it is known that all his attempts shall prove fruitless. (Aptly mayst thou call this 'ironical'.)

4. Thou shalt respect the difference in height between the dominant and the submissive. Six inches will suffice, a foot too much, three inches too little. As below, so above.

5. Remember thou that there exist only three acceptable settings for a KBL. School, university, and office. For these do encompass all of life. Thou shalt invest thy characters in white jackets with blue borders if at school, leather jackets and hooded sweaters at university, and ill-fitted suits for work.

6. Remember thou that there exist only three acceptable plots for a KBL. Friends to lovers, enemies to lovers, and (adopted) brothers to lovers. Thou shalt entertain no other plots besides these.

7. Thou shalt employ no actor that is not thin, wanting of water, and starved for nutriments. The actors must have defined chests, six (or better yet, eight) pack abdominals, and flawless skin. Thou mayst coat the skin with three inches of wall paint to whitewash all flaws.

8. The writer shall inscribe in each tale at least one instance of timejump, forced separation or miscommunication. The unimaginative shall employ all three.

9. Thou shalt choose from among the following ornaments at least three to embellish thy tale: the slipping towel, the towel bath, an accidental fall or catch, sleeping-beauty false-kiss, somnolent confession, gentle lock-of-hair restoration, alcoholic amnesia, and rain-born fever.

10. Thou shalt by no means indicate homophobia in thy tale — in this, our most homophobic realm — unless it furthereth thy plot and our cynical purpose. Friends and family shall be universally supportive, unless it force a separation between thy characters. Remember thou always that this is a world of pandering fantasy, not reality.

Biblical Proportions:
Commandments Broken: 1 (!!!).
Commandments Obeyed: 2, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

Ratings:
*For the first commandment broken, I'll add a whole extra star. Again, what?!? They're allowed to do this in KBLs?
*For each of the commandments obeyed, I'll deduct half a point from the story, which brings it down to 1.
*I'll give the cast a 6, purely because I'm in love with Jung Jae Bin. But because I didn't get to see him shirtless, one point deducted. As for Jeon Yu Bin, did he have to look so constipated all the time?
*Was there music in this show? I don't remember.
*I'll give 6 stars for 'rewatch value', because I'm going to watch that kiss over and over and over again.

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: I am the Lord, thy God.
DON'T SAY: Thou shalt lie with mankind as with womankind. That is love. Scratch that. That's fucking sexy.

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Drama Queens: A Cosplay

I asked two friends of mine, both old-school drag queens, and both with excellent make-up skills, to watch Cosmetic Playlover. Here is an excerpt of their conversation, edited for clarity.

MANI: Is this for real? This show?
PEDI: What do you mean?
MANI: Did we really just watch a Japanese BL about two gays behind a Sephora counter?
PEDI: Who knew? Who knew they had such dramatic lives?
MANI: What dramatic life? Apart from whatever’s going on with Natsume’s hair?

PEDI: That *is* a disaster, isn’t it? He stares at a mirror all day long... Did it not occur to him, at least once, to think, "hang on, my wig looks like it was sheared by a British dentist"?
MANI (laughing): The tall one, Toma, is it? His ain’t much better. But he’s so gorgeous that he can get away with it. He can get away with anything.
PEDI: He does.
MANI: By the way, in what world does a former supermodel work behind a makeup counter? Can you imagine Naomi Campbell working for Chanel at Macy's or Harrod's?

PEDI: Or Romy Féerique... Fun fact. Féerique is French for fairy. 

MANI: Now why would you know that?
PEDI: Because I’m a fairy, Mary.
MANI: Well, I'll tell you one thing, I'm not sure these two fairies deserve their own show. They are not funny, they are not sassy, they don't gossip... I'm sorry, but these are not interesting people. Beautiful, but not interesting. They take themselves way too seriously. And the show takes itself way too seriously.
PEDI: I mean, could the stakes be any lower? Let's face it. They're not neurosurgeons. Do you think the Gucci girl behind the counter has the time to take clinical notes on each woman who comes to her for free make-up? Also, silent callers? Hate mail? What is this, 2006? All because Ms Dimple Cheeks “poached” a “make-up client”. Who is this client? Sultan of Brunei?
MANI: If he did poach him, he’d be doing us all a favour. By the way, I don’t remember us taking an exam to become a “make-up expert”. Do you?
PEDI: Ummm, yes we did. Remember when we first went out in drag 20 years ago, and no one punched us in the face? That was the exam.
MANI (laughing): Do people in Japan really take make-up this seriously?
PEDI: The straight women who wrote this thing do. I’m absolutely certain... certain... that whoever wrote the manga wrote the first draft by imagining herself as the female lead, and then replaced herself with Natsume.
MANI: Which, I think, is how most BLs are written.
PEDI: I don’t think we, as drag queens, are in any position to judge that.
MANI (laughing): No, I will say though, I was surprised by the heat levels in this show. The kisses were quite hot.
PEDI: Yes. But the villains were not.
MANI: Except for the one skinny guy who now makes a regular appearance in JBLs. He’s in Smells Like Green Spirit, and that teacher-student BL. Whatchamacallit?
PEDI: I know who you mean. He’s good. He served some real camp goodness. He's very good. And hot.
MANI: Toma’s brother?
PEDI: Not.
MANI: Remind me again, why does he come between the leads?
PEDI: I... don’t know. I don’t remember. Something about their parents being in New York, and wanting him to run the family business... Listen, mama, there’s more drama between my fake eyelashes than there is in the entirety of this show. Here’s the thing. If I was a hot Japanese ex-supermodel, and my family lived in New York, I’m taking Ms Dimple Cheeks with me, getting gay married at the Plaza, and buying an apartment in Chelsea.
MANI: Are you kidding? You’ll be catnip for the polyamorous gays. Sniffies will crash.
PEDI (laughing): Exactly. These two though, they wanna play husband and wife in Tokyo. The vibe is very old-school JBL...
MANI: Ah, the monologues, the monologues... Because, you know, characters in JBL don’t believe in talking to each other, but they’ll happily talk to us, invisible people.
PEDI: Yes! And then with the pushing against the locker, the cartoon villains, and the "oh, but I'm a shy maiden" bullshit...
MANI: Again, because if there’s one thing we know about same-sex sex in BL world, it is that bottoms don’t want tops to top them…
PEDI: See, I don’t get that. I can't think of a single bottom in my life who won't jump on a hot top when he sees one. Hell, even a mediocre top! I don’t get that whole patriarchal “you belong to me” crap either.
MANI: I thought that went out with All About Eve.
PEDI: This is All About Steve.
MANI (laughing): I don’t mind the old-school vibe though. It’s fun. Loved that kiss against the background of fireworks... Ham-fisted symbolism? So sexy. Also, I kept imagining myself as Sponge Bob Hair Cut, and wanting to be pulled and hugged by the hot one and have my lips smashed. If that tall slice of meat were to come up to me and say, “you belong to me”, I’ll throw myself at him.
PEDI: Except you’ll cause an accident with those fake boobs of yours...
MANI: What if it turns him on? 

PEDI: That means you've died and gone to heaven.
MANI (laughing): This show is absolutely ridiculous.
PEDI: And hot.
MANI: And ridiculous.
PEDI: And stupid.
MANI: And ridiculous.
PEDI: And surprisingly watchable.
MANI: Do you think Netflix will pay us to watch BLs like they do Trixie and Katya?

PEDI: Only if it’s a podcast.

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: Maybe she's born with it.
DON'T SAY: Maybe it's Maybelline.

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A Recipe for Gastronomic JBLs

Or: How to trap a man in 9 easy episodes.

Ingredients:

For the series:
10-15 year age-gap
6-10 inch height gap
2-4 side characters with no depth or individuality
1 astonishingly small kitchen
1 knife and 1 pair of ryouribashi (cooking chopsticks)
1 serving (at least) of onigiri
1 serving (at least) of a Western dessert (preferably cake, preferably for a birthday)
2-4 instances (at least) of misunderstanding & miscommunication
1 episode of illness or indisposition
1 wet white towel, to tend to that indisposition
(Story or plot optional)

For each episode:
10 mins. of food porn, of which:
2 mins. for broth-based dishes
2 mins. for rice-based dishes
2 mins. for curry
2 min. for lingering shots of chopping
1 min. for serving
1 min. for presentation
2 min. (at most) of interaction with the side characters
1 exclamation (at least) of "oishii" or "umai"
(Plot and character development optional)

For serving:
2-4 shots of chopstick choreography per episode
3-5 near-kisses per series
1 fish-eye or camera-angle non-kiss per series (optional)
(Payoff optional)

Preparation:
1. Toss the ingredients together in a medium-sized show
2. Be careful to keep the right proportions for each episode
3. Simmer slowly to break down all chemistry and tension
4. Gently stir the camera around the top of the pans and apply suitable filters
5. Decant the bland broth into clean 25-minute containers
6. Garnish with the non-kiss
7. Serve lukewarm immediately, or tomorrow, or five years from now. It doesn’t matter.

Special Notes for Sugar Dog Life:
1. I-su-mi-kun! I-su-mi-kun!
2. Do people really check for fever by huddling their heads together?
3. Kyosuke is coded as the husband and Isumi as the wife, right? Look at the poster.
4. What on earth is a sugar dog life? Is it a Japanese idiom? Can someone enlighten me?

Note: This review also appears under Mitsuya Sensei no Keikakutekina Ezuke, but with a different set of notes.

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: Itadakimasu.
DON’T SAY: Ittakimasu.

See Also: Mitsuya Sensei no Keikakutekina Ezuke, Bokura no Shokutaku, Kinou Nani Tabeta, Perfect Propose.

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Losing your marbles

Two Very Short Reviews.

1. Here is the show in a nutshell:

"I am a thick weirdo who followed you to your university because you gave me a pat on my head when my cat died."
"Sure, Jan."
"Eh?"
"You're an idiot."
"Eh?"
"Shall we walk?"
"Eh?"
"Shall we talk?"
"Eh?"
"Shall we kiss?"
"Eh?"
"Shall we be boyfriends?"
"Eh?"
"Should I even give a fuck anymore?"
"What's a fuck?"

(I had originally posted this as a comment below, but then realised it might serve as a better review than the one below.)

2. The original review:

"Nothing happens. Twice." Vivien Mercier famously said this of Waiting for Godot, but as a compliment. Of Takara no Vidro, I can say: "Nothing happens. Ten times." And that is not a compliment. Godot, in the most common interpretation of the play, is supposed to be death. Here, we wait for any semblance of life.

There is one, and only one, reason to watch this show. Iwase Yoji. If you do watch it for him, I suggest doing so at 2x speed, though even then, the show will seem slower than seeing a tortoise run a marathon. But if you care at all about plot, acting, script, direction, chemistry, charm, or some insight into human life -- rather than, as the title appropriately hints at, a vitrified vision of it -- I suggest you give it a miss.

Also, can someone please do a cut of Taishin's "Eh, Eh, Eh, Eh, Eh" set to Rihanna's "Umb(u)rella? It might not only justify the suffering he inflicted on us, but also offer a plausible explanation as to why it is the only syllable he can muster.


Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: Eh?
DON'T SAY: Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh no no.

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Great Tyme Continuum

Hello, I'm Great! No, I don’t mean I'm doing great (have you seen the show?), but that I am Great! Ummm… no, I'm not saying I'm a great person (have you seen the show?), but my name is Great! Oh… I give up. I’m the crazy cat lady. Happy?

Anyway, what did you make of me and my story? Wasn’t it fun? Admittedly, it isn’t fun to die Tyme and Tyme again for your entertainment, but you knew I was going to live, didn’t you?

I’m grateful to my creators for putting me in one of the *greatest* bodies out there, on whose head not a strand is out of place, and whose body Adonis and Antinous would envy. They also seem to have had a big budget, which they mostly spent on interior design porn, and renting cars from the Fast and the BiCurious outlet mall. *I* have no objections. I do wish the writers had been paid more… Because I really don’t understand who I am, and what has been happening to me. I also didn’t know *how* to feel about what was happening, but fortunately, the background music was always at hand to tell me.

Since I’m now alive — I’m not sure, this might be a Black Mirror kind of situation — I have been lurking around the forums online to find out the truth. I’ve pretty impressed by the hard work of the “fandom”. There are some good theories out there. But I’m still not sure I understand. (I'm a bit thick, you see, but thickness, like size, matters.)

***Ignore the following three paragraphs if pressed for time, or to avoid "plot" details. ***

What I’m most confused about is perspective. So, when I was going into cardiac arrest -- as were Tyme and Tonkla and everyone else who’s ever been shot it would seem -- I had four comatose minutes during which I could see four (?) consequential moments where I could have chosen a less evil path. Fun. I love guilt-tripping. Some, including my maker, Sammon, argue that each of these moments is a pathway to an alternate “reality”, but my physicist friend assures me that this is not how the many-universe theory works. (There, reality splits every measurable moment, because quantum decoupling happens every measurable moment. Besides, neither the heart nor the brain are quantum systems, but... never mind.) Also, can an unconscious person see? Or hear? Or feel? Isn't that an oxymoron? I, for one, certainly don't remember any of it! Before you accuse me of being pedantic, know that Sammon prides herself on her scientific and philosophical sophistication. But the most existential question for me is this: once we do enter this liminal space, and 'choose' an alternate 'reality', what happens to the reality we leave behind? Do I die? Am I dead? Am I Bruce Willis in that movie?

Now, there is also that whole other storyline involving online gambling, TonKla, Korn, Win, and Nan. I know you didn't care for any of it, but bear with me. Did *I* see that too? Did Tyme? Or were their storylines alone real all the time? Are my parents good or bad? If good, why did I see what I did? If bad, why did Tyme see what he did? Fine, let's allow that my perspective and that of an omniscient narrator can co-exist. But then, didn’t TonKla’s dead brother show up at one random point? More confusingly, if the four minutes represent opportunities where deaths could have been prevented, didn’t other deaths happen anyway? Are some lives more worth than others? I mean, I know my beautiful body is worth more than Tyme’s grandmother’s life, or that bastard TonKla's, but still… Am I the asshole? Or is the universe fatalistic all the same, and our subjunctive possibilities mere hallucinations? If so, what’s the fucking point of all this?

Of course, Tyme is still in a huff about the fact that *his* perspective got half a measly episode, but mine got six! Poor TonKla, he fared even worse! While we’re at it, what in crazy cat lady’s name was that last episode all about? I'm so confused, and I don’t know why my creators were in such a hurry to wrap things up. I don't even understand why I'm still alive, and why Tyme's still alive, but not my brother. Why did he have to kill himself? Don't we all have blood on our hands? Also, who chooses these realities for us? Sammon? If so, why choose these, and not one in which my story actually makes sense? As I said, the writers should have been paid more, if they were paid at all. But then, all those “cute” moments between me and Tyme — it satisfied you lot, didn’t it? How many of you screamed at the last shot? Good, I’m happy for you. I'm happy for us too. Not for my brother, though.

*** Here endeth knowledge. ***

I know some of you thought my sex scenes with Tyme were a tad on the soft side. Listen, I know my body, and the fact that I was listening to Limp Bizkit all of next day is no coincidence. Tyme is a Great lover, and he bore his arse out for you: be Greatful. But I will admit, that bastard TonKla stole the show from me. Never trust a power bottom. Were you really surprised when he shot me, and revealed his face in the campest way possible? I’d say I’m glad he’s dead, but, I’d still love to have had a Great Tyme with him and Win and Korn. And yes of course I'd have sex with my murderer if he's hot enough -- ask any self-respecting gay man. Besides, you all saw a flash of JJay's p-JJ, didn't you? How many times did you go back, freeze the frame, and thought to yourself, "I've become my mother"?

Oh, one last thing. Why 4 minutes, you ask? It is, apparently, the length of time it would take for consciousness to fade after the heart stops, during which, you can enter an alternate dimension, alternate reality, alternate universe, or whatever else is alternate. That’s what the last-minute narrator -- where the fuck did she come from? -- says. Turns out, not possible. Anoxia induces loss of consciousness in 6 seconds, and inflicts permanent brain damage within 2 minutes. (You should have seen the first draft of this review. There are parts of my brain to which I no longer have any access.) So, I can only guess that my creators were listening to Madonna on repeat on Spotify as they fell asleep (or while doing cocaine), and concluded, with Mr. Timberlake, there were only 4 minutes left to save the world…

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: In Search of Lost Tyme
DON'T SAY: The Great Catsby

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The Ten Commandments of KBL

Here are the commandments that have been handed down to us by the gods of Korean BLs. They shall be the commandments by which any present and all future KBLs may be judged.

(For more on ratings and my thoughts on the show, see below.)

1. Thou shalt not kiss. Thou shalt not, in any meaningful sense of that word, "kiss". Thou mayst, however, press thy lips against another man’s as thou wouldst a leper’s.

2. Thou shalt not utter the word ‘gay’. For it is a sin. Thou mayst love another man, but if any man shall ask of thee if thou dost, thou mayst answer, “I like not men, I like only you.”

3. Thou shalt refrain from all carnal desires. For it is a sin. The submissive shall resist all attempts at intimacy, and the dominant may not pursue the submissive unless it is known that all his attempts shall prove fruitless. (Aptly mayst thou call this 'ironical'.)

4. Thou shalt respect the difference in height between the dominant and the submissive. Six inches will suffice, a foot too much, three inches too little. As below, so above.

5. Remember thou that there exist only three acceptable settings for a KBL. School, university, and office. For these do encompass all of life. Thou shalt invest thy characters in white jackets with blue borders if at school, leather jackets and hooded sweaters at university, and ill-fitted suits for work.

6. Remember thou that there exist only three acceptable plots for a KBL. Friends to lovers, enemies to lovers, and (adopted) brothers to lovers. Thou shalt entertain no other plots besides these.

7. Thou shalt employ no actor that is not thin, wanting of water, and starved for nutriments. The actors must have defined chests, six (or better yet, eight) pack abdominals, and flawless skin. Thou mayst coat the skin with three inches of wall paint to whitewash all flaws.

8. The writer shall inscribe in each tale at least one instance of timejump, forced separation or miscommunication. The unimaginative shall employ all three.

9. Thou shalt choose from among the following ornaments at least three to embellish thy tale: accidental fall and catch, gentle wiping of the lips (for there is a general want of raiment in our kingdom), gentle forehead kiss, gentle forehead pat, gentle lock-of-hair restoration, gentle fever (oftenest from a mere drop of rain), a gentle towel bath for that fever, gentle wound-tending, gentle somnolent confession, gentle amnesia (from a mere drop of wine) to wipe out the memory of that confession, and, forget not thou, the not-so-gentle eleventh hour crisis that shall precede the felicitously ever after.

10. Thou shalt by no means indicate homophobia in thy tale — in this, our most homophobic realm — unless it furthereth thy plot and our cynical purpose. Friends and family shall be universally supportive, unless it force a separation between thy characters. Remember thou always that this is a world of pandering fantasy, not reality.

Biblical Proportions (so far):
Commandments Broken: 1 (!!!).
Commandments Obeyed: 2, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

Purpose:
* I wrote out these commandments as a review for another show, because, let's face it, KBL has basically become an IKEA assembly line, built out of the same few plots, not to mention drawing from the same pool of well-worn tropes. I tested the commandments with two other shows before, and their predictive power astonished even me. So, this is my tongue-in-cheek way of poking fun at KBLs, and drawing attention to those that are more original.
* My system is this: I’ll start with 5.5 throughout. For each commandment broken, I’ll add half a star to the story. (If the first two commandments are broken, I’ll add a whole extra star to the overall rating.) And for each commandment obeyed, I’ll deduct half a point from the story. If a commandment is obeyed, but in a subversive way, I’ll count it as broken.
* On how I rate the cast, I shall be unabashedly shallow. A hot cast automatically gets 5 stars. Shirtlessness gets an extra star. Decent acting adds another star or two. Nudity, or proper kissing, or any sign that the actors have no fear in portraying gay intimacy, will add a whole star to the total rating.

Ratings:
— Well, well, well... This is the first time I have seen both the first and third commands broken in KBL, and that too in the first half of the show. And one of the leads is an idol, no less! Is KBL finally getting past its Prudence Clearwater phase?
— Other than that, it has so far obeyed every commandment from 4 to 10, all of them in the first two episodes.
— The actors are all quite cute, and the leads have shown that they are not afraid of portraying gay intimacy, all of which earns them a rating of 6. I'm not convinced, however, that they are good actors. (But then, that requires a decent script.)

Further Impressions:
— This show is so stupid. Even by the first episode, it’s clear that Da On and Seong Hyeon are end-game. Seong Hyeon is such a ‘green flag’ he might as well be a leprechaun celebrating St Patrick’s Day in an Irish pub. He's also quite dull. Plus, it's always been always clear to me, from the cartoonish monstrosity of Su Hyeon, that he's not the real villain, that Jae Min is. And, of course, Da On is a hothouse flower throughout, who has no agency, and who just bends to the will and whim of everyone else.
— I'm sorry, but who writes these plotlines? In what universe does a "contract" of mutual restraint make sense? And in what universe is that a viable plan to keep a man by your side forever? And, and, and... in what universe will anyone agree to abide by that contract? I can't for the life of me imagine a gay man coming up with any of this, because we are far more likely to just fuck and be friends, or enter into a polyamorous arrangement, than contrive any of this Hallmark Channel/Lifetime Movie nonsense.
— No, seriously. Who comes up with these plotlines? JaeMin is supposed to be this manipulative mastermind, who was devious enough to come up with that meaningless "contract", yet, for 11 years, he stood next to Da On, and did nothing? 11 years? You waste a decade of your life on a relationship that is yet to be, that you desperately want, for which you will go to any sociopathic lengths, and yet, you sacrifice the best years of your life by being celibate and warding him off?
— Does Da On have a magic b***y or something? Why are three men into him? No, seriously, why? I see that he's cute, and is a shy maiden, which is of course a catnip for monsters in KDrama. But it's not as if there aren't others out there. Nevertheless, three men are devoting their lives to this wet blanket, scheming and pining and plotting and stabbing themselves... Does he wear a secret perfume called 'Pour Drapeaux Rouges'?
— As for the finale, let's just say, it was worthy of the best (or worst) KDrama by way of Mexican telenovelas, with some Bollywood melodrama thrown in for good measure. It was gloriously silly.

Verdict:
Well, it had everything: love quandrangles, passive bottoms, cartoon villains, self-harm, kidnapping, a near-homophobic 11th hour crisis, gay kisses (in KBL!), utterly ridiculous plotlines, and the most boring green-flag seme I can think of. If this is your thing, go for it!

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: The key to an Open Relationship is honesty & communication.
DON'T SAY: The key to a Secret Relationship is mistrust & manipulation.

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Like in the Movies: An Honest Trailer

[This is a review of "Gaya sa Pelikula" written in the form of a film trailer. Imagine an appropriately epic narratorial voice, hovering above images from the show.]

Are you a jaded BL fan? Are you sick and tired of the same high-school Korean BLs that come out once a season? Of the same engineering Thai BLs that come out once a month? Of the same food-themed JBLs that come out once a week? Do you feel somewhat guilty about the fact that BL is still almost entirely written by and cater to straight women? Do you often find yourself bemoaning — if only because you feel you must — the dearth of BLs written by gay men for gay men?

Are you looking for something fresh and innovative, something to revolutionise the whole BL universe? Something that avoids all the tired tropes of a bog-standard BL? Such as… a rich, confident bad boy; a poor, diffident, good boy; unreasonably hot men; strict Asian parents; absent Asian parents; fujoshis; “I’m an ally” divas; enemies to lovers; roommates to lovers; fake boyfriends; and ham-fisted metaphors about self-acceptance and being in and out of the closet?

Well, say hello to “Gaya sa Pelikula”. Just like in the movies.

Written by a gay man for gay men, here’s a show that constantly screams: “This is what representation looks like!!! Nkay?”

Prepare to be bowled over by a show that completely reinvents the genre, in a story that includes such revolutionary ideas as… ummm... a rich, confident bad boy; a poor, diffident, good boy; unreasonably hot men; strict Asian parents; absent Asian parents; fujoshis; “I’m an ally” divas; enemies to lovers; roommates to lovers; fake boyfriends; and ham-fisted metaphors about self-acceptance and being in and out of the closet.

Never mind all the allegations against the writer. Ignore anything that shatters our desperate hope that BL will finally do right by the LGBT community. Why care about all that when we have lines such as these?

“I refuse to be a plot device that trigger's somebody's identity crisis.”

“Have you ever felt like you’re not the protagonist in your own story?”
“I’m not always hurting because I’m gay, but because I always choose to love.”
“Jesus is too forgiving to be a Capricorn.”

They just sound clever, don't they? And they make you feel clever. The lines may be about as deep as spray tan on skin. Not to mention the fact that the show goes on to do exactly what these lines, and the show itself, purports to subvert. (Except the Jesus line. That's on him.) But the writer took a course on film and queer theory in the US, and he’ll never let you forget it. And if you recognise all the movie references throughout the show, from Cinema Paradiso (which to the student of film studies is what The Dark Knight is for straight men) to name-checking every film by Apichatpong Weerasethakul, go on, give yourself a pat in the back. You clever-clogs, you.

Out with your laptops, keyboard warriors. Tap away at your phones, fanatics. Here is a show that will have you screaming “die” at anonymous strangers on Reddit and MDL. Because if they don't like the show, they are monsters. Engage, once again, with that eternal question: is it BL or is it LGBT? Is it BL because two unusually hot men get together, or is it queer because they don’t stay together? Is it BL because being fake boyfriends in a homophobic country is about as real as "in the movies", or is it queer because the homophobia in the show, it turns out, is all internal? One thing is for certain. For a show written by a gay man, none of the gay characters in it end up truly happy — least of all the fat gay uncle whose only purpose is to be wise, and ruin (I mean, support) his nephew. Because, remember, the only true or realistic queer story is an unhappy one. And that’s what makes it a masterpiece.

Prepare to be charmed by these young and beautiful star-crossed lovers, and fall for a rich cast of characters, not one of whom is given any depth or complexity, but all of whom spout dialogues that sound as if they were written by a drunk boomer who spent a little too long on TikTok. Because every person in this show is a symbol, there to serve a particular idea, and a caricature of an idea at that. And that’s what makes it a masterpiece.

So, if you want to watch a BL without feeling guilty about its deep-seated homophobia, Gaya sa Pelikula is the show for you: with a familiar, comforting storyline made modern and profound through self-satisfied quips and specious aphorisms. For it turns out that, even if you have nothing but the bare bones of an unoriginal story, you can get around it by hammering in a reflexive self-serving meta-fictional framework on top of it. (See, we went to college too!) And that’s what makes it a masterpiece.

And if you cannot recognise this masterpiece for what it is, you are dumb as a piece of rock, and have no appreciation for great art. Go watch porn, you weirdo. Nkay?

***
This review was requested by dramaguzzler, a lover of this show, to whom it is dedicated. Be careful what you wish for.

***
Reader’s Digest:
DO SAY: Call Me By Your Name
DON’T SAY: Bad Education

Read More

Guns and Poses

Warning: This review is rated R for filth, dirt, obscenity and profanity. Reader beware.

Mani and Pedi are back. I asked my friends, both old-school drag-queens, to watch House of Stars with me. Here is their conversation, edited for clarity. This is a live review, so, it is organised episode by episode.

MANI: So, what are we watching today?
PEDI: House of Stars.
MANI: Is this a sequel to House of Gucci?
PEDI: Gaga… Oo.. Lala.

Episode 1.
MANI (when Suzi arrives on screen): Work! Woooork!
PEDI: She hasn’t even opened her mouth yet, and we know she’s a diva.
MANI: Icon!
PEDI (when Gun arrives): Fuck. Me. Hard. Have I died? Am I in heaven? He is... *hot*.
MANI (dumbstruck): You know what? If he came up to me, and said to me, drink my piss, I’ll drink his piss. I'll say: when's a good time for you? Do you charge by the ounce?
PEDI (laughing): You’re disgusting.
MANI: (when Korn arrives): Okay, I cannot tolerate this level of hotness in one TV show.
PEDI: This feels like a Thai Elite. How gay do we think it’s going to be?

MANI: Girl, this is a Thai BL. Elite had nothing on this.
PEDI (when Wayha and Wayu arrive): Alright, they’re quite cute. But maybe forgettable?
MANI: I don’t know. I’d still fuck them.
PEDI: Or have them fuck you.
MANI: It’s all about give and take in our world.
PEDI (laughing): Ooh, who’s this?

MANI: Pawin.
PEDI (intrigued): He looks sly. Oh, a sly twink. Mama, mark my words. He’s a power bottom. The sower of dis-cord.

MANI: He’s gonna break up Korn from that evil girlfriend, isn’t he?

PEDI (laughing): A Korn thresher! (Laughs at her own joke): We know what’s going to happen, right?
MANI: Dogging?
PEDI laughs. (Later, when Pitch arrives): Pitch? He’s called Pitch?
MANI (when So arrives): And he’s called So. So?
PEDI: Wow, these boys *cannot* act.
MANI: And, compared to the men who came before… they look, ummm, how do I put it politely? Reptilian?
PEDI: Look, Pitch evidently has had too much botulinum toxin injected into his face, and only a So-So man could fall in love with him. Let us be kind.
MANI: I hate to break this to you, but I think Ms Botox and Ms Sourpuss are meant to be together.
PEDI flips the table in anger.

Episode 2 & 3.
PEDI: I don't understand. Is this an agency for actors? Or a whorehouse? Is Suzi an agent, or a pimp?
MANI: A bit of both, I think.
PEDI: Is that why they're all under curfew and house arrest?
MANI (getting up from the sofa when So and Pitch appear): We don’t care about So called Pitch? Okay? I don't care. They cannot act. They are boring. And I hate them. Stop this madness! Stop this gaslighting!
PEDI (unable to stop laughing): This is Pitch Imperfect… No, no wait… Bitch Imperfect.
ME (from the corner): You’re fired.
From this point onwards, whenever So or Pitch arrive on the screen, MANI takes the remote and presses fast forward.

Episode 4.
MANI (seeing Mintra leave): Finally. There is never a bad time for a mother to die in a Thai BL.
PEDI: Ooh, is something gay about to happen?
MANI (as the seduction begins): There you go. Dogging. See?
PEDI: Suzi! You pervert! Stop slivering them.
MANI: You mean the movie Sliver?
PEDI: Yes.
MANI: This is so hot, I’m not gonna lie.
PEDI: What’s there to lie about?
MANI (when they bone again in bed): See, this is true queer representation.
PEDI: What? Sideways cowboy?
MANI: As long it's not missionary... it's queer. (Later, when Wayu and Wayha enter the screen): Oh, I like them. They’re cute. But they don't have any *heat*... Oh wait, he's taking his shirt off. Never mind.
PEDI: Well, here’s a Pitch-er of cold water to ruin everything.

Episode 5
PEDI (seeing Pawin mount Korn): What the... fuck?
MANI (awe-struck): Hang on. Is the actor playing Pawin actually naked?

PEDI (getting very, very close to the TV): Looks like it.
MANI: You’re going to jerk off to this later, aren’t you?

PEDI: Mama, I am a cherry-grove lesbian. I *need* a story to get aroused.
MANI: And this is the one?

PEDI: Yes. And the fact that they are evidently going to get caught only adds to the thrill.
MANI (laughing): So, So? So, we know who the Mask is, right?
PEDI: It’s so obvious, it's not even obvious.
MANI: Well, we’re here for Korn bread. Who cares about the plot it comes from?

PEDI: Good point.

Episode 6
MANI: Nooooooooooo! Leave him alone, you marble-faced Barbie! Gun is ours!!!
PEDI: I didn't think it would be possible. But paired with Pitch, Gun is getting less and less attractive. It's like when your best friend marries an asshole, and she becomes an asshole, and you don't wanna hang out with her anymore? Just like that.
MANI: Urgh. (They skip through their whole failing-in-love montage.) Finally! Korn!
PEDI: Korn keeps us *fed*!
MANI: As he should.
PEDI: Did you notice that he's an oenophile? Always swilling a glass of fine wine?
MANI: Why do I hang out with you?

Episodes 7-8
MANI: The assistant with the power lesbian haircut is quite hot. She deserves her own plotline.
PEDI: I think it’s coming.
MANI: And Suzi knows how to put on a suit! Her stylist needs a raise. Not something I normally say about a Thai BL.
PEDI (seeing Pitch come on screen): Okay, for the rest of this show, we are not talking about Marble Face. Okay? Not even if he’s with Gun. It’s Chekov's anti-Gun. Give me the remote. Move it!
MANI (unable to make sense of the chronology): Who edited this show? Were they in a coma? Were the writers high on cocaine?
PEDI (when Sin arrives on the screen): Ooh, who's the new suit?
MANI: I don’t know. But the man knows how to wear one.
PEDI: It's the long-lost son, isn’t he? There's always a long lost son in Thai lakorns.
MANI (when it is revealed who The Host is): I knew it. I knew it!
PEDI: There’s your plotline.
MANI: Hang on. Is this incest? Is that where this is going?
PEDI: I doubt it. It’s not from Taiwan. (Later, when Mintra tries to frame Pawin): Really? This is where we’re at? In 2023?

Episode 9
MANI (when Sin declares “I want to ruin everything”): Woooork! Woooooork!
PEDI (when Wayha and Wayu kiss): Awww… Lovely. Let the f*** at it, I say.
MANI: Hang on, hang on, hang on, Wayha, the post-adolescent *man*, has never been kissed before? Are you kidding me?
PEDI: This is BL fantasy, mama. Why are you expecting reality?
MANI: I’m not expecting reality. I just don’t want a teenage girl's Wattpad fantasy. Give me sex dungeons, and a voucher for Home Depot.
PEDI: A true gay fantasy.
MANI & PEDI together, at the final scene: Noooooooooooooooooo!
MANI: What just happened? Did we lose one of the main reasons we've been watching this show?
PEDI: Aaaaaaaaaargh! Couldn’t they have killed the other Bitch instead?

Episode 10-11:
MANI: Who do you think did it?
PEDI: Not the son. Not the Power Lesbian, obviously.
MANI: It’s the four-eyed assistant. It’s always the quiet, unassuming ones.
PEDI (when Gun confesses to So): Okay, what? He permanently disabled your brother, and you just forgive him? Mama, I smell a rat. I think So’s the killer.
MANI: So? So!
PEDI (laughing): Shut up.
MANI: Secret basement? This has gone full on Gothic, Mary.
PEDI: Sin can pull a sweater, let me tell you. Sweaters become him.
MANI: Would you say that he makes you sweat all over?
That he knows his pullovers?
PEDI (laughing): You need help.
MANI (when Host and Sin reveal the truth): Pawin is the only one invested. Look at him acting all shocked. Everyone else? Stone-faced.
PEDI (when the sex scene begins): Mama, is this Star Trek the next generation?
MANI: What do you mean?

PEDI: I mean, this has to be science fiction, right? Are we really seeing every guy in the house bang each other?
MANI: Except Marble Face and Sourpuss.
PEDI: Oh, put me out of my misery if that happens.
MANI: Mintra, Mintra! You go girl! Finally, some self-respect! (Later): Hang on, did Mintra and the Bottom Bitch just team up against Korn? Woooooork! Wooooooork!
PEDI: Awww… poor Korn.
MANI: This show is magnificent.

Episode 12.
MANI (during the yacht scene): What? What’s happening?
PEDI: We just destroyed a man’s life. I gave a man PTSD. My botox injections went all wrong. Oh, and our agent just died. But hey, let’s paartaaaaay!
MANI (at So): You brought your disabled brother on a yacht? With the man who hit him with his car?
PEDI: Something smells fishy here. And it’s not the sea.
MANI: Don't tell me Suzi really did die due to an allergy! If so, that’s worse than Cersei’s death in GoT.
PEDI: But wait, mama. Did you notice something? Something awesome? We haven’t seen Pitch in the last two episodes… at all. As in, he's gone. Disappeared.
MANI (jumping with joy): You’re right. You’re right! Our prayers have been answered! Praise the lord! The Pitch dropped dead! (Laughs at her own joke.)
PEDI: Do you think he was fired? The actor?
MANI: Why, because he was so bad? Now that you mention it...
PEDI: I hope people wrote to The Hague, because it is a crime against humanity to pair him up with Gun.
MANI (laughing at her own cleverness): I do hear Gun crime is on the rise.
ME (from the corner): You're fired.
PEDI (shocked at the final twist): What???
MANI: Told you!
PEDI: You witch!
MANI: I kind of knew it when So So was looking at the camera — hitting his head against the fourth wall, very, very badly — and talking about how good it would be if everything had a happy ending...
PEDI: Yup. Should have seen it coming. What an ending though!
MANI: This show is pure genius.
PEDI: A work of art.
MANI: Come on, let's watch it again.
PEDI: I'll order pizza.

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: The Korn Ultimatum
DON’T SAY: So long, Pitch!

Read More

God’s Own Country

The following review is dedicated to FreshKicks, who has always been generous in sending me his BL cuts, and who sent his copy of Kamisama to me when I needed it the most.

You might be familiar with my friend Taeko from my review of Happy of The End. She watched Kamisama at my request, and this is an edited excerpt of our conversation.


ME: So?
TAEKO: I liked it.
ME: Really?

TAEKO: Yes, I really, really liked it. So much so that I’m having the boys watch it.
ME: And?

TAEKO: They seem to be enjoying it too, which is always a good sign. I think the last time they were quite taken with something was the Heart-Li Ming storyline in Moonlight Chicken.
ME: Didn’t you just show them that cut of the show?

TAEKO: Of course, I wasn’t going to subject my kids to the rest of it.
ME (laughing): Fair enough. I was really nervous recommending this to you, you know.
TAEKO: Why?

ME: Well, it has two things you hate the most. Perhaps hate is a strong word. But you have a strong aversion for ‘gender swap’ storylines. Because they are almost never done well. But what I was more worried about was that you couldn’t countenance another story with a queer death, and…
TAEKO: I do hate them — and hate them with a passion. But only when they "bury the gays" in order to elicit cheap tears and sympathy from the viewer. “Pity the gays. Look how sad they are. What sad lives they lead. Let us tolerate them.” Fuck off. What was that Thai abombination that begins with a double suicide?
ME: Until We Meet Again.
TAEKO: Urgh. Never again. But then, remember what happened? The audience responded exactly as the cynical writers wanted them: “So raw, so realistic. This is not BL. It’s LGBT. Why? Because gays must suffer. And suffering is the only truth.”
ME: But that wasn’t the case here.
TAEKO: No. Fortunately, you had insisted I persist, and I’m so glad I did. It might now be one of my favourite JBLs. One I’d be inclined to rewatch.
ME: Praise indeed!
TAEKO (laughing): Yes. But the fact that we remained unaware of it for so long, and that so few people speak of it, or praise it, or put it on their lists, tells me a lot about….
ME: Let’s not, shall we? I already have a target painted on my forehead from all my other reviews. (Taeko laughs.) Tell me, instead, what you liked about the show. What stood out. Because we seldom tend to like the same things about a show.
TAEKO: Thar's probably true. Hmmm. Let me think. I suppose it is one of the richest BLs I have ever seen.
ME: How do you mean?
TAEKO: In the sense of being dense, intricately plotted, copious… It sort of had everything, didn’t it? BL, GL, sort-of straight love, all the clichés of a school JBL — from rooftop confessions to ill-fitting uniforms — but also overtures beyond it. It was a complete package.
ME: Yes. And how rare it is for a BL to be by turns funny, weird, sad, sexy, boring, and at one point, absolutely heartbreaking! I’m sorry, but a talking-dog fujoshi-god is an inherently funny thing, even to say it, let alone watch it; the chemistry between Rin and Kagura-as-Yashiro was beautiful and wistful; and the breakfast scene with the Tendou family was just devastating.
TAEKO: What I found more shocking was it was quite charming. Charm is a word I seldom associate with JBL — Smells Like Green Spirit and Old Fashion Cupcake are notable exceptions — and almost never with KBL. (I suppose Semantic Error is the rare exception.) But this was funny, charming, and even camp. I should very much like to think that all the gods are dressed like Yuki Furukawa in this show.
ME (laughing): You should see me during Pride Month! To me, what makes the show truly interesting is what it does with its premise. Most gender-swap storylines seem to me lazy at best — unable to follow through on the premise — or homophobic at worst. You switch genders to make ‘gayness’ palatable, and reinforce straightness as the norm. Or, it is just played for cheap laughs. (Looking at you, Hollywood.) But not here.
TAEKO: No, and it has some very complex and subtle — even poignant — things to say about gender and sexuality, and about self-acceptance, especially in Japan.
ME: I wanted to ask you about that. I seemed to miss a lot in the translation.
TAEKO: Well, this will sound to you a lot stranger than it does to me as a Japanese speaker. But, after switching bodies, Kagura and Yashiro use gender pronouns that do not correspond to their bodies. Yashiro-as-Kagura uses ‘ore’, which only men use, and Kagura-as-Yashiro uses ‘atashi’, which only women use. It also extends to use of particles like ‘wa’, and ‘no’, and other honorific prefixes and suffixes. All of which is to say, Japanese language is very heavily coded by and infused with gender and gender norms. It brings to the fore the idea that gender isn’t just the sex of your body, that it is a deeply cultural phenomenon, and, in Japan, as you know, with deeply sexist implications. You see that in Smells Like Green Spirit too, where these grammatical structures threw interesting light on the difference between being a crossdresser, say, and a trans person in Japan.
ME: That was a good show.
TAEKO: Yes. I happen to think that that show was better on gender and sexuality, in a way this wasn’t.
ME: Because, in part, they don’t use the word ‘gay’ here, I presume?
TAEKO: Yes, it’s as if Margaret Thatcher were still alive, or Ron DeSantis governed Japan. (Perish the thought!) Remember, when someone asks Rin-chan — my favourite character — if she was ‘that way’, and she gets angry? As if being called a ‘lesbian’ were the worst thing in the world? That’s so out of character for her.
ME: That rubbed me up the wrong way too. Reminded me of Janice from Mean Girls. How refreshing was Green Spirit, by contrast, when it used the word ‘gay’ within the first five minutes.
TAEKO: Wasn’t it? Anyway, what Kamisama *was* good at, I thought, at least until the last episode, was that it showed how gender and sexuality go to the very heart of selfhood. After switching bodies, they are no longer themselves. And not just because of inward conflicts, but because they didn’t realise that who you are is defined as much by your relationship with the outside world as it is within yourself. Self is a social construction.
ME: Profound, sis. I agree. At least until the last episode, the show fought hard against the idea that body and mind, head and heart, could be separated. Or *should* be separated, given that it does presume the existence of an independent soul. Otherwise, no body swap. But I liked the idea that selfhood is defined by your body too, and that it is unwise to wish it away.
TAEKO: Until they sort of ruined it in the last episode. I will say, that episode was not my favourite.
ME: Why?

TAEKO: Many reasons. The idea that Kenta suddenly loved Yashiro regardless of ‘gender’, after having taken multiple episodes to realise that Yashiro is *not* Yashiro without his physical body… it was just such a betrayal of his own personal evolution up to that point.
ME: Perhaps it was a reflection, merely, of Kenta’s bisexuality?

TAEKO: Kenta may have been bisexual — not that the show would ever use that word — but he didn’t fall in love with Yashiro when he was Kagura.
ME: I see.
TAEKO: Anyway, this wasn’t the only reason the final episode was disappointing. I also found the resolution of the plot by deus ex machina — or, in this case, deus in machina — really stupid. Though far less stupid than the last-minute backstory they gave him.
ME: I thought you’d say that. I didn’t mind it, but found it far too abbreviated to be satisfactory.
TAEKO: You just uttered the most Victorian sentence I have heard in a while. The thing is, the show constantly kept me on my feet until the last minute. Just when I thought I understood what was happening, it managed to still surprise me. The arrival of the actual Tendou Kagura, for example. As late as Ep. 5, I think. I didn’t see that coming, did you? Why did they then go down the most predictable path for Kamisama and our protagonists? Not to mention our dearest fujoshi.

ME: But the ending wasn’t predictable for Rin and Kagura though. That was very refreshing. I really liked how and where their characters ended up.
TAEKO: Oh, Rin-chan is my favourite character, and Kagura-as-Tashiro my least favourite. I suppose that’s not surprising to you.
ME: I thought the dog was your favourite.
TAEKO: It was, until they gave her a stupid backstory too.
ME: Fair enough. Did the lack of a proper kiss in the end bother you? It did me.
TAEKO: It actually didn’t, because I didn’t care for the last episode in general. Also, the leads didn’t have that much chemistry to begin with…
ME (shocked): What???
TAEKO: Sorry, love. Rin and (Yashiro-as-)Kagura had the best chemistry, and I’m prepared to die on that hill. The fact that they don’t get together is what makes the show both brilliant and subversive.
ME: I’ll never understand you, Taeko.
TAEKO (laughing): Hubby said the same thing just this morning.
ME: Poor man.
TAEKO: Oh, he’ll be fine. 

ME: You know what, call me corny — but don’t look at my feet — I’m still delighted our boys got together. I needed them to. It could have been done better, I agree, and come to think of it, I don’t understand why Kamisama needed a backstory at all. In a show with a talking dog-god — excellent performance by the dog, by the way, it deserves a BAFTA or an Emmy — realism is not anyone’s concern. They could have used that time to explore the physical dynamics of the boys’ relationship, which the show really shied away from.
TAEKO: Very well put. Yes, that troubled me a lot. JBL really needs to grow a pair. But, as I said, I was a lot more bothered by the idea, reinforced at the last minute, and against everything the first 7 episodes said, that you fall in love with the "soul" after all, that the soul was the "real" person, and that the body had nothing to do with who you are. As if the body were a mere appendage. “I’ll love you no matter who (i.e., what gender) you are,” Kenta says. What codswollop!
ME: Fortunately, the first seven episodes were almost perfect.
TAEKO: I agree. And it was well cast, well acted, and for the most part, very well written. I was surprised by how well plotted it was, and how the various threads came together so well… 

ME: I do wish that Japanese film makers would learn a thing or two about colour saturation. I’m sick of the faded sepia tones…
TAEKO: Yes, we need Nagisa Oshima to come back to direct a BL.
ME: There was Gohatto.
TAEKO: Recommend it here, and you’ll get murdered. I guarantee it!
ME (laughing): You know, Taeko, I think I have a good group of people here who’ll protect me. I’ll be fine.
TAEKO: Okay, if you’re going to be sincere, I might as well hang up…
ME: But then you’d have to cook for the boys.
TAEKO: Oh, the horror, the horror.

Reader’s Digest:
DO SAY: The God of Small Things
DON’T SAY: God is just Dog spelt backwards.

Read More

Happy in the End?

This is a conversation between me and my friend, Taeko. It is in two parts, the first covering Ep. 1 to 6, and the second covering Ep. 7 & 8, plus the series as a whole. As you will see, the division has proved quite useful, as the two parts really represent two different series, with what seem like two different sets of writers and directors.

PART ONE. (Ep. 1 to 6)

ME: Kimi to futari, hanauta majiri, kasanaru tabi, iro asakaya, kimi ga suki datta....
TAEKO: For god's sake, are you still singing that song?
ME: Yes. What's more, I wrote down the lyrics, decoded the Kanji, translated it, and memorised the lines.
MY HUSBAND (from the kitchen): Neeeeeeeeeerd....
TAEKO: So, Happy of the End. I feel we aren't going to disagree much on this one.
ME: No! I don't know how the last two episodes will turn out, but so far, it might be one of the best of the BLs I have ever seen.
TAEKO: Praise indeed! I am surprised at how much they were able to pack into just 6 episodes so far... Even though I feel some things have been lost in the process.
ME: Like what?
TAEKO: Chihiro, for instance... His abandonment by his whole family deserves more attention, and more justice than the show has given it. It was limited to just a few scenes, and needed far more emotional heft than that. On the other hand, you might be able to better relate to his being in love with a bisexual man than I can. Did the show come too close to suggesting, though, that bisexuals are just greedy and sleep around?
ME: No, I just think Shun'ichi is an arsehole, and deserves to be lonely forever.
TAEKO (laughing): I love it when you become catty. But Haoren's storyline -- it is very well done.
ME: Right? He might have the worst life it is possible to have in Japan. And just when you think that the show couldn't possibly go *there*, it goes there. I can't think of a taboo it hasn't touched... except, maybe, incest.
TAEKO: You never know. I'm still not sure if the guy who drops his trousers was his dad, his step-dad, or someone else.
ME: Speaking of bad daddies, or baddies... Maya!
TAEKO: Asari Yosuke is an amazing actor. As soon as he appeared on the screen, my hairs stood on end. That frog scene... Ewww.
ME: As is Kubota Yuki. Kaji is a fascinating character, because, unlike most other characters, his moral compass is not easily decipherable. He doesn't have the clarity that even Haoren has. He sends Haoren to Maya, and says something homophobic to Chihiro. He later repents of both, but it is not clear he might not do it all again. The writing could have been better in that scene, but I didn't think a BL was even capable of such subtle characterisations. Then there is also Yamanaka So as Matsuki -- another strange character. The simultaneous admixture of care and predation, of abuse and regret. His facial expressions were just superb. He convinced me in one minute why someone would *want* to be his pet.
TAEKO: But are we happy with the main actors?
ME: Beppu Yarai is a revelation for me. His eyes dance, his lips seduce, his body invites pity and sorrow. I'm less sure of Sawamura Rei.
TAEKO: I disagree. Rei was a revelation for me. You expect the hardened victim of child abuse and trauma to be this mere carapace of a human being, incapable of a smile, and incapable of hope. Haoren even declares himself to be so. But his actions belie his thought, and Rei captured that very well. And he's not this big, burly, intimidating, "blokey" bloke. His littleness and fragility are precisely what feel are subversive. Plus, you know how I love tiny tops.
ME: You're weird, you are. I still think Rei has been miscast, and, apart from Semantic Error, cannot think of the last time when an idol was good. But what about the show itself? Any reservations?
TAEKO: I found the frequent flashbacks tiresome. Especially when it was repeating the same scenes of abuse. In a short series, every second is precious. I also thought the slaps and the hitting weren't convincing. They needed better stunt coordinators. What about you? Didn't the inner monologues bother you?
ME: I could have done without them. It's a compulsive need the Japanese seem to have to rely more on the manga than on the script or the actors. But I do think that the decision to retain the basic structure of manga/BL storytelling, while trying to fit such an unusual story within it, might have been deliberate.
TAEKO: How so?
ME: Because it is jarring. The whole framework is jarring. The grammar of BL/Manga sets certain expectations for you, and their fossilised vocabularies then provoke predictable reactions to predictable events. Here, however, the grammar is there, but not the vocabulary. So, I don't necessarily feel the way I'm supposed to feel.
TAEKO: That *is* true, actually. I thought the portrayal of abuse was almost cold, clinical. And I didn't necessarily feel I needed to cry or be sad. It made me numb, which is perhaps how Haoren felt. Plus, there was no loud music to tell me how I ought to feel throughout the show.
ME: Can we talk about the music, and how good it is?
TAEKO: You're not going to start singing again, are you?
ME: No, I mean the background music. It wasn't particularly original -- there were those sustained guitar chords for the romance, and the xylophone ripples for Maya -- but it was atmospheric, and at least felt assonant with the plot.
TAEKO: You seem to like the show so much more than I do. Which is surprising. Because if anyone is a cynical arsehole between the two of us, it's you.
ME: Why, thank you. I will admit, I was quite miffed about the sex scenes.
TAEKO: Thank god! Me too. Are white blankets the new pixellation now? What was that?
ME: I agree! The loveless sex scenes were bad enough. But, when they finally make love after Haoren has disclosed his wounds -- and after we have seen a glimpse of both men's curves -- it seemed an act of criminal negligence to just throw a blanket over them. This is where they finally accept each other, their bodies, their love.
TAEKO: What made it worse for me was: after all that boldness on the streets, why the shyness between the sheets? Especially after the fleshlight scene, which was just... heartbreaking. If you can dwell long enough, and graphically enough, on scenes of abuse and violence, you can dwell enough on love. Urgh... Japan.
ME: Not limited to Japan, though, is it? In America, Red, White & Royal Blue, an innocent little gay flick, has the same rating as Django Unchained. Violence is preferable to intimacy, it seems, and straight intimacy to intimacy between men.
TAEKO: Let's not go there. But I'm happy you are so enthusiastic about a show for the first time in ages! I am less enthralled than you, but agree that this is a brilliant show.
ME: I agree. 2024 has been a dud so far. Let's hope this one picks up the slack...
MY HUSBAND (setting the table): Nerds...


PART TWO. (Ep. 7 & 8)

ME (to my husband): Take the rubbish out, will you?
TAEKO: You sound sad, my love.
ME: I am.
TAEKO: Why?
ME: That the series is over. That it made me cry a few times in the last episode. But, above all, that what I feared most still came true: a *precipitous* decline in quality in the last two episodes.
TAEKO: I hate to say this: but I did... Never mind, go on.
ME: Well, let me think: the last episode alone had the noble idiot trope, a forced separation at the train station, the nonsensical suicide of Maya -- which was completely at odds with his characterisation throughout the series -- the brief coming together of all the characters just before the ending... I mean, is that all you have to show of Kaji and Matsuki, two of the best characters in the show? The degree to which it borrowed from the BL trope kit was almost embarrassing.
TAEKO: Yet there were moments that moved you in it?
ME: Yes. Chihiro's face on the train when he realised that Haoren wasn't going to contact him. (Beppu is the saving grace of that episode, despite the director's best efforts to ruin him.) The moment where Haoren finds him on Instagram. The recognition of his own photo at the exhibition (though it was definitely not the photo Chihiro took). The brief cut, in the last scene, where they break the fourth wall (though the direction of it was really, truly awful). What did you think?
TAEKO: It all felt to me terribly rushed. I could barely keep up with all the stabbing and the running and the seaside gallivanting and the running away again and the prison time... It was exhausting. The seals were cute though. And with such logical inconsistencies as Chihiro's sudden success where he had none before (couldn't he have worked and saved up for a camera earlier?), and a mere three-year sentence for attempted murder, my disbelief could no longer be suspended. I'm also afraid I wasn't quite as moved as you with those precious moments, nor as disappointed with others, because my expectations were far lower.
ME: Maybe I just didn't want the final episode to be a complete failure.
TAEKO: What about the penultimate episode? Did you find it just as wanting?
ME: Well, it certainly wasn't memorable. I was really terrified going in -- which is a good thing -- because I knew Maya was gunning for Chihiro, but then it all became deflated like a tyre on road pike, didn't it?
TAEKO: Oh god yes. I watched the stabbing scene with almost Buddhist serenity, though this might be because they spoiled it for us in the trailer, as they did the train scene. The whole interlude between the assault and the stabbing was so odd, and so unconvincingly domestic -- and then, Haoren even used the "it's all my fault" line. Did Nicholas Sparks write this part?
ME: I wish it weren't so, but you're right.
TAEKO: So, no longer among the best of the BLs?
ME: No, no. It did make me cry at the end, which few BLs do. But I don't know why. If I could split it into two series, the first six would get a 9, and the last two would get a 6, which averages out to 7.5. But that still feels a bit generous.
TAEKO: Especially from you, for whom a single scene can sound the death-knell of a series.
ME: Hahaha. True. But I don't think the final episodes of HOTE were done in bad faith -- which is what pissed me off about the final scene of Cherry Magic, for example. So I'm willing to give it more of a pass. How about you?
TAEKO: I'm going to give it a 6 at best, but then, you know I'm a heartless bitch.
ME: Language!
TAEKO: Sorry.
ME: You know what makes me most sad, Taeko? Something told me this was exactly what was going to happen. I feel as if I knew it all along, not least because this is what happens whenever they squeeze a long manga into a short series. It always runs out of steam. Urgh. I hate being right.
TAEKO: You are the modern Cassandra, the entangler of men. Now, we need a good laugh. Shall we hate-watch something together?
ME: As it happens, I have just the thing...

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: I'm addicted to you...
DON'T SAY: Don't you know that you're toxic?

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You’ve Got Male

What if the protagonists of ‘Futtara Doshaburi’ could actually communicate? The following review — in the form of an e-mail thread — imagines just that.

I. From Nakarai to Hagiwara
Ummm… Wrong address, mate.

II. From Hagiwara to Nakarai
Oops...
Now, in real life, this is where our correspondence would end. But we are in a JBL, so, let’s draw it out for 6 more episodes?

III. From Nakarai to Hagiwara
We are indeed! I am therefore obliged to say: you must be a very hard worker, you must be very tired, so well done, thank you, thank you for working hard and for being tired.

IV. From Hagiwara to Nakarai
Otsukaresama! Now it's my turn to say something weird to get this plot going: so, why don’t I ask a complete stranger to divide women — all women — into two groups. I’ll start: women who want to fuck, and women who don’t.

V. Nakarai to Hagiwara
A bit random, but sure. I suppose, women who wear make-up, and women who don’t? Let’s face it. In our world, portrayals of women range from disposable passivity to outright misogyny. I wonder where the needle will fall this time.

VI. Hagiwara to Nakarai
I guess I'm showing my true colours. I’m in a sexless relationship with a woman, you see. That could only mean one of two things: she’s into women, or she’s having an affair.

VII. Nakarai to Hagiwara
Join da club, dawg. My roommate is fit, and I want him to fuck me. But he won’t. That could only mean one thing: he’s a psychopath.

VIII. Hagiwara to Nakarai
Maybe *we* should get together? Not now, because that would put us both out of a job. Perhaps few episodes down the line?
Meanwhile, I met this arsehole at work today. He’s kind of cute. Since you’re so obviously — [to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it, I won’t say it] — “you know” ... I wonder if you’d fuck him. I mean, *I* would. I think.

IX. Nakarai to Hagiwara
Oh babes, is this flirting? If so, I hate to break it to you: but you might also be, “you know”…
By the way, I met a guy at work too. He’s a wimp. A hot wimp, but a wimp all the same. We stood under the rain for a bit, and he brought me an umbrella. So I’m guessing we’ll get married at the Imperial in 2 months?

X. Hagiwara to Nakarai
Good for you! I stood with someone under the rain too. That arsehole from work. What a coincidence. Wouldn’t it be funny if it were us?

XI. Nakarai to Hagiwara
Babes, we are in a BL… It *is* us!

XII. Hagiwara to Nakarai
Lol. Okay. Let’s do this then. Let’s do the rain thing again, fuck off to somewhere symbolic, like an art museum, and then send each other another “flirty” text. Imagine what would happen if we both *vibrated* at the same time, and our eyes met!

XIII: Nakarai to Hagiwara
I can hear the ovaries exploding already... What next?

XIV: Hagiwara to Nakarai
Well, we have three episodes left. The penultimate one will be the ‘big’ eleventh-hour crisis, where we swear off each other. We know that. So, we have to fuck in the next one, right?

XIV: Nakarai to Hagiwara
A quick learner, I see. I wonder if you’ll be just as quick in bed.
How about this? We try it with our insignificant others one last time, and when it doesn’t work, we'll meet under the rain, utter the title of the programme five times (like witches in Hocus Pocus, only less, "you know"), go to a love hotel, and then gently graze our bodies over each other? That counts as fucking, right?



XVI: Hagiwara to Nakarai
This is what you want me to leave my girlfriend for? Love, I’m going to dick you down. We may not show it on TV, because our producers are seasoned sadists. But it’s happening.

XVII: Nakarai to Hagiwara
Lolz. Bring it on. Is it alright if I just lie there like a wet log when you fuck me? 



XVIII: Hagiwara to Nakarai
How did you know? Have you been talking to people behind my back?
Anyway, now that that's over, how are we going to create the obligatory pre-final crisis?
P. S. About last night, was I any good?



XIX. Nakarai to Hagiwara
Oh, surely we have foreshadowed this with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer? In my case, it must have something to do with my dead parents. Because in a BL, you always need to have dead parents. What is it in your case?
P. S. You were quite sweet, babes. Though not quite a love machine yet. You’re a bit too gentle, though eminently teachable, which is what matters.

XX. Hagiwara to Nakarai
Oh god! We made this big deal in the first episode about sniffing around our partner’s phones. Shit. Where is my phone? Where is it?
P. S. Just wait and see what I do to you after this show is over!

XXI. Nakarai to Hagiwara.
So, stuff happened. I’m not quite sure what. I just woke up with bruises all over my hands and body, and a possible hickie in my neck…

XXII. Hagiwara to Nakarai
What?! Call the police!

XXIII. Nakarai to Hagiwara
Absolutely not! This is a JBL. We don’t go to the police or acknowledge abuse! No, I’m going to use this as an excuse to split up from you, not communicate, and leave the viewers frustrated for another week. That’s how it’s done!

XXIV. Hagiwara to Nakarai
It is? What bell-end came up with that?
Anyway, I’ve broken up with my girlfriend. I still have no idea why she won’t have sex with me. Since we don’t acknowledge the existence of sexual identities here, I can’t use that as a reason. So, who the fuck knows? She does not seem to like the idea of two men together though. She finds it almost revolting. Now, if only there was a word for it.
Now, my love, go to the fucking police!

[A few weeks of non-communication later…]

XXV. Hagiwara to Nakarai
Okay, I think I’ve finally got the hang of it. Here’s how we bring everything to an anticlimactic conclusion: a friend who appears in two scenes to bring us together, your sadness (diddums!), the threat of me moving away, Fujisawa’s behaviour being motivated by dead parents, then rain, rain, symbolism, rain, sun-showers, rain, rain-showers, rain, rain in front of the museum, rain, umbrella, rain, kiss, rain… How does that sound?

XXVI. Nakarai to Hagiwara
Well, well. The student becomes the master! Perfect! And this time, *I’ll* have the umbrella. Geddit?

XXVII. Hagiwara to Nakarai
Genius! I’ll go book a love hotel now for the weekend, and download Deliveroo on my phone. You have lube, right?

***
This review is dedicated to JollyGolly, one of my first friends on MDL.

***
Reader’s Digest:

DO SAY:
When the sun shines, we'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath, I'ma stick it out to the end…

DON’T SAY:
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umburella
You can stand under my umburella, ella, ella, eh, eh, eh

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