Honglou Meng

Freefall, or, Now My Friend Refuses to Talk to Me.

A conversation between me and a friend called Zhuang Zhou:

Part I. Episodes 1-7

ME: There’s a new Taiwanese BL in town!
ZZ: Oh? Is it about stepbrothers?


ME: Ummm…
ZZ: Let’s run through the checklist. Are the leads unusually attractive?


ME: Yes.
ZZ: Is one of them poor, the other one rich?


ME: Yes.
ZZ: Is one of them a taciturn grouch, and the other a happy-go-lucky pout?
ME: Wait…
ZZ: A dead mother, or an absent father?


ME: Both!
ZZ: Does it go from (step) sibling conflict to (step) sibling rivalry to (step) sibling love to (step) sibling banging?


ME: I don’t know about the banging, but the rest of the arc is covered.
ZZ: Is there an outing by the beach, by the river, or in an arcade?


ME: Two out of three!
ZZ: Being pushed against a wall? "Spin the bottle"? "Teach-you-a-lesson" kiss?
ME: Uh-huh.
ZZ: An older, supportive side gay couple?
ME: Yes. But helpfully, they have no individuality so far.
ZZ: Cameos from other TBLs?


ME: Aplenty.
ZZ: A vague attempt at creating a stock villain?
ME: There is this kid who might fit the bill. But his only sin, as far as I can see, is wanting to be the best and popular. So, monster!
ZZ: Loud, intrusive background music?
ME: Yes! Why do TBLs do this? Sometimes, I can't even hear what they're saying.
ZZ: Pity. How about a timejump or a trip abroad?


ME: We aren’t there yet, but it is based on a novel, and the young people who have read it hint at both in the comments.
ZZ: Don't tell me they're going to pull another Addicted or Stay With Me on us.
ME: That's the fear.
ZZ: So tell me why I should watch it.
ME: Well, it is not without charm. The characters are in school, and they are actually shown schooling! You know, books, teachers, homework, and all that stuff which other BLs pretend don’t exist? Plus, in this world, the teenagers do have boners, which, of course, most teenage boys do all the time. (Remember what filth we entertained in our heads?) So, it is not chaste. And the leads do have great chemistry.
ZZ: Tell me why I shouldn’t.
ME: The fans might murder me for this. But the episodes are far too long for what they contain. They could have done each episode in 30 minutes or less (which the Japanese seem able to do effortlessly). I'm not sure what all those lingering shots of nothing accomplished. I love seeing the boys together. But this is not Andrei Rublev.
ZZ: It does sound like it is chock full of the tropiest tropes that ever troped.
ME: Doesn’t matter if done well, though, does it? I myself am a bit divided about the show, but on the whole, I'm rather enjoying it than not.
ZZ: Maybe I’ll give it a go. I’ll call you after it’s done.
ME: Shhhhh…. Don’t let people know we call each other! What will the teenagers on MDL think?
ZZ: Right.


Part II. Episodes 8 & 9

NOTE: ZZ has a very irascible sense of humour. His opinions are not mine :)

ZZ: I hate you.
ME: Why?
ZZ: For making me suffer through this show.
ME: Did you quit?
ZZ: Are you still watching?
ME (shyly): No...
ZZ: You do realise what you've done?
ME: What?
ZZ: You've made me want to quit Taiwanese BLs forever. After you ruined Thai BLs for me forever by recommending that pile of... Never mind.
ME: When did you quit and why?
ZZ: Fifth or sixth episode, I'm not sure.
ME: So soon?
ZZ: What was there to watch? It's every trope in the TBL book, but served half-baked and soaked in maple syrup. The boys were quite cute, yes, but they were clearly 30 playing on 17. Their roles and interactions were stale as last month's loaf. I'm fine with the step-brother trope, but tell me what was subversive about it? What was new? And it was so... slow... It wasn't building up tension. It was acting as a muscle relaxant. Which might be good for Wang, because he's clearly the bottom, but I kept falling asleep. What did you see in this?
ME: Just lots of lovely moments. Tenderness. Hope for a beautiful romance. Unlike you. Who has an iceberg for a heart.
ZZ: Which made you overlook all the bad signs posted along the way. Well, was it worth it?
ME: To be honest, I no longer know. Why couldn't they leave well enough alone? Things were good (for me) until Ep. 7. Then, at the end of Ep. 8, the boys move in together, and what should have been a beautiful moment was ruined by such an awful loud soundtrack that I thought, this has all the subtlety of a hangnail. It was a bad sign. Then Ep. 9 came and... I needed to be put out of my misery.
ZZ: What happened?
ME: Oh, ZeeZee. It was baaaaaad... an absurd kidnapping plot, strange bisexual love triangles between teachers without any palpable tension, students mooning their teachers, 25 minutes of a school sports day... IBS would look at that episode and say, that's bloated. I couldn't go on. But I hear that there was a bandit in the 10th episode, who provides the only possible excuse for our boys to finally sleep in the same bed together.
ZZ: Because you know... Wang, despite his build, is as helpless and maladroit as if he's always about to walk on a banana peel...
ME: Yes. The poor thing kept spraining his ankles. Despite fighting off thugs three episodes earlier, he's still afraid of sleeping alone with all that banditry.
ZZ: I told you. This is BL by the numbers. Why won't anyone listen to me? Have you been spoiled the ending? Was I right to predict a time-jump and a forced separation?
ME: It seems so. Which is why I quit. Either they will have to get precipitously to a happy ending, or, they'll do a cliff-hanger and wait for a second season. I'm not sure I wanted to stay for either. Do you think I should have?
ZZ: I don't know, and I don't care... I'm going to go sink into my bed like a hippopotamus and stuff myself with a Victoria sponge cake. Now, go away.

P. S. I did go back for the last episode, eventually. The ending was just... unforgivable.

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: You're the On1y One.
DON'T SAY: I am the One & On1y...

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Great Tyme Continuum (With no added sultriness)

Hello, I'm Great! No, I don’t mean I'm doing great (have you seen the show?), but that I am Great! Ummm… no, I'm not saying I'm a great person (have you seen the show?), but my name is Great! Oh… I give up. I’m the crazy cat lady. Happy?

Anyway, what did you make of me and my story? Wasn’t it fun? Admittedly, it isn’t fun to die Tyme and Tyme again for your entertainment, but you knew I was going to live, didn’t you?

I’m grateful to my creators for putting me in one of the *greatest* bodies out there, on whose head not a strand is out of place, and whose body Adonis and Antinous would envy. They also seem to have had a big budget, which they mostly spent on interior design porn, and renting cars from the Fast and the BiCurious outlet mall. *I* have no objections. I do wish the writers had been paid more… Because I really don’t understand who I am, and what has been happening to me. I also didn’t know *how* to feel about what was happening, but fortunately, the background music was always at hand to tell me.

Since I’m now alive — I’m not sure, this might be a Black Mirror kind of situation — I have been lurking around the forums online to find out the truth. I’ve pretty impressed by the hard work of the “fandom”. There are some good theories out there. But I’m still not sure I understand. (I'm a bit thick, you see, but thickness, like size, matters.)

***Ignore the following three paragraphs if pressed for time, or to avoid "plot" details. ***

What I’m most confused about is perspective. So, when I was going into cardiac arrest -- as were Tyme and Tonkla and everyone else who’s ever been shot it would seem -- I had four comatose minutes during which I could see four (?) consequential moments where I could have chosen a less evil path. Fun. I love guilt-tripping. Some, including my maker, Sammon, argue that each of these moments is a pathway to an alternate “reality”, but my physicist friend assures me that this is not how the many-universe theory works. (There, reality splits every measurable moment, because quantum decoupling happens every measurable moment. Besides, neither the heart nor the brain are quantum systems, but... never mind.) Also, can an unconscious person see? Or hear? Or feel? Isn't that an oxymoron? I, for one, certainly don't remember any of it! Before you accuse me of being pedantic, know that Sammon prides herself on her scientific and philosophical sophistication. But the most existential question for me is this: once we do enter this liminal space, and 'choose' an alternate 'reality', what happens to the reality we leave behind? Do I die? Am I dead? Am I Bruce Willis in that movie?

Now, there is also that whole other storyline involving online gambling, TonKla, Korn, Win, and Nan. I know you didn't care for any of it, but bear with me. Did *I* see that too? Did Tyme? Or were their storylines alone real all the time? Are my parents good or bad? If good, why did I see what I did? If bad, why did Tyme see what he did? Fine, let's allow that my perspective and that of an omniscient narrator can co-exist. But then, didn’t TonKla’s dead brother show up at one random point? More confusingly, if the four minutes represent opportunities where deaths could have been prevented, didn’t other deaths happen anyway? Are some lives more worth than others? I mean, I know my beautiful body is worth more than Tyme’s grandmother’s life, or that bastard TonKla's, but still… Am I the asshole? Or is the universe fatalistic all the same, and our subjunctive possibilities mere hallucinations? If so, what’s the fucking point of all this?

Of course, Tyme is still in a huff about the fact that *his* perspective got half a measly episode, but mine got six! Poor TonKla, he fared even worse! While we’re at it, what in crazy cat lady’s name was that last episode all about? I'm so confused, and I don’t know why my creators were in such a hurry to wrap things up. I don't even understand why I'm still alive, and why Tyme's still alive, but not my brother. Why did he have to kill himself? Don't we all have blood on our hands? Also, who chooses these realities for us? Sammon? If so, why choose these, and not one in which my story actually makes sense? As I said, the writers should have been paid more, if they were paid at all. But then, all those “cute” moments between me and Tyme — it satisfied you lot, didn’t it? How many of you screamed at the last shot? Good, I’m happy for you. I'm happy for us too. Not for my brother, though.

*** Here endeth knowledge. ***

I know some of you thought my sex scenes with Tyme were a tad on the soft side. Listen, I know my body, and the fact that I was listening to Limp Bizkit all of next day is no coincidence. Tyme is a Great lover, and he bore his arse out for you: be Greatful. But I will admit, that bastard TonKla stole the show from me. Never trust a power bottom. Were you really surprised when he shot me, and revealed his face in the campest way possible? I’d say I’m glad he’s dead, but, I’d still love to have had a Great Tyme with him and Win and Korn. And yes of course I'd have sex with my murderer if he's hot enough -- ask any self-respecting gay man. Besides, you all saw a flash of JJay's p-JJ, didn't you? How many times did you go back, freeze the frame, and thought to yourself, "I've become my mother"?

Oh, one last thing. Why 4 minutes, you ask? It is, apparently, the length of time it would take for consciousness to fade after the heart stops, during which, you can enter an alternate dimension, alternate reality, alternate universe, or whatever else is alternate. That’s what the last-minute narrator -- where the fuck did she come from? -- says. Turns out, not possible. Anoxia induces loss of consciousness in 6 seconds, and inflicts permanent brain damage within 2 minutes. (You should have seen the first draft of this review. There are parts of my brain to which I no longer have any access.) So, I can only guess that my creators were listening to Madonna on repeat on Spotify as they fell asleep (or while doing cocaine), and concluded, with Mr. Timberlake, there were only 4 minutes left to save the world…

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: In Search of Lost Tyme
DON'T SAY: The Great Catsby

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Happy in the End?

This is a conversation between me and my friend, Taeko. It is in two parts, the first covering Ep. 1 to 6, and the second covering Ep. 7 & 8, plus the series as a whole. As you will see, the division has proved quite useful, as the two parts really represent two different series, with what seem like two different sets of writers and directors.

PART ONE. (Ep. 1 to 6)

ME: Kimi to futari, hanauta majiri, kasanaru tabi, iro asakaya, kimi ga suki datta....
TAEKO: For god's sake, are you still singing that song?
ME: Yes. What's more, I wrote down the lyrics, decoded the Kanji, translated it, and memorised the lines.
MY HUSBAND (from the kitchen): Neeeeeeeeeerd....
TAEKO: So, Happy of the End. I feel we aren't going to disagree much on this one.
ME: No! I don't know how the last two episodes will turn out, but so far, it might be one of the best of the BLs I have ever seen.
TAEKO: Praise indeed! I am surprised at how much they were able to pack into just 6 episodes so far... Even though I feel some things have been lost in the process.
ME: Like what?
TAEKO: Chihiro, for instance... His abandonment by his whole family deserves more attention, and more justice than the show has given it. It was limited to just a few scenes, and needed far more emotional heft than that. On the other hand, you might be able to better relate to his being in love with a bisexual man than I can. Did the show come too close to suggesting, though, that bisexuals are just greedy and sleep around?
ME: No, I just think Shun'ichi is an arsehole, and deserves to be lonely forever.
TAEKO (laughing): I love it when you become catty. But Haoren's storyline -- it is very well done.
ME: Right? He might have the worst life it is possible to have in Japan. And just when you think that the show couldn't possibly go *there*, it goes there. I can't think of a taboo it hasn't touched... except, maybe, incest.
TAEKO: You never know. I'm still not sure if the guy who drops his trousers was his dad, his step-dad, or someone else.
ME: Speaking of bad daddies, or baddies... Maya!
TAEKO: Asari Yosuke is an amazing actor. As soon as he appeared on the screen, my hairs stood on end. That frog scene... Ewww.
ME: As is Kubota Yuki. Kaji is a fascinating character, because, unlike most other characters, his moral compass is not easily decipherable. He doesn't have the clarity that even Haoren has. He sends Haoren to Maya, and says something homophobic to Chihiro. He later repents of both, but it is not clear he might not do it all again. The writing could have been better in that scene, but I didn't think a BL was even capable of such subtle characterisations. Then there is also Yamanaka So as Matsuki -- another strange character. The simultaneous admixture of care and predation, of abuse and regret. His facial expressions were just superb. He convinced me in one minute why someone would *want* to be his pet.
TAEKO: But are we happy with the main actors?
ME: Beppu Yarai is a revelation for me. His eyes dance, his lips seduce, his body invites pity and sorrow. I'm less sure of Sawamura Rei.
TAEKO: I disagree. Rei was a revelation for me. You expect the hardened victim of child abuse and trauma to be this mere carapace of a human being, incapable of a smile, and incapable of hope. Haoren even declares himself to be so. But his actions belie his thought, and Rei captured that very well. And he's not this big, burly, intimidating, "blokey" bloke. His littleness and fragility are precisely what feel are subversive. Plus, you know how I love tiny tops.
ME: You're weird, you are. I still think Rei has been miscast, and, apart from Semantic Error, cannot think of the last time when an idol was good. But what about the show itself? Any reservations?
TAEKO: I found the frequent flashbacks tiresome. Especially when it was repeating the same scenes of abuse. In a short series, every second is precious. I also thought the slaps and the hitting weren't convincing. They needed better stunt coordinators. What about you? Didn't the inner monologues bother you?
ME: I could have done without them. It's a compulsive need the Japanese seem to have to rely more on the manga than on the script or the actors. But I do think that the decision to retain the basic structure of manga/BL storytelling, while trying to fit such an unusual story within it, might have been deliberate.
TAEKO: How so?
ME: Because it is jarring. The whole framework is jarring. The grammar of BL/Manga sets certain expectations for you, and their fossilised vocabularies then provoke predictable reactions to predictable events. Here, however, the grammar is there, but not the vocabulary. So, I don't necessarily feel the way I'm supposed to feel.
TAEKO: That *is* true, actually. I thought the portrayal of abuse was almost cold, clinical. And I didn't necessarily feel I needed to cry or be sad. It made me numb, which is perhaps how Haoren felt. Plus, there was no loud music to tell me how I ought to feel throughout the show.
ME: Can we talk about the music, and how good it is?
TAEKO: You're not going to start singing again, are you?
ME: No, I mean the background music. It wasn't particularly original -- there were those sustained guitar chords for the romance, and the xylophone ripples for Maya -- but it was atmospheric, and at least felt assonant with the plot.
TAEKO: You seem to like the show so much more than I do. Which is surprising. Because if anyone is a cynical arsehole between the two of us, it's you.
ME: Why, thank you. I will admit, I was quite miffed about the sex scenes.
TAEKO: Thank god! Me too. Are white blankets the new pixellation now? What was that?
ME: I agree! The loveless sex scenes were bad enough. But, when they finally make love after Haoren has disclosed his wounds -- and after we have seen a glimpse of both men's curves -- it seemed an act of criminal negligence to just throw a blanket over them. This is where they finally accept each other, their bodies, their love.
TAEKO: What made it worse for me was: after all that boldness on the streets, why the shyness between the sheets? Especially after the fleshlight scene, which was just... heartbreaking. If you can dwell long enough, and graphically enough, on scenes of abuse and violence, you can dwell enough on love. Urgh... Japan.
ME: Not limited to Japan, though, is it? In America, Red, White & Royal Blue, an innocent little gay flick, has the same rating as Django Unchained. Violence is preferable to intimacy, it seems, and straight intimacy to intimacy between men.
TAEKO: Let's not go there. But I'm happy you are so enthusiastic about a show for the first time in ages! I am less enthralled than you, but agree that this is a brilliant show.
ME: I agree. 2024 has been a dud so far. Let's hope this one picks up the slack...
MY HUSBAND (setting the table): Nerds...


PART TWO. (Ep. 7 & 8)

ME (to my husband): Take the rubbish out, will you?
TAEKO: You sound sad, my love.
ME: I am.
TAEKO: Why?
ME: That the series is over. That it made me cry a few times in the last episode. But, above all, that what I feared most still came true: a *precipitous* decline in quality in the last two episodes.
TAEKO: I hate to say this: but I did... Never mind, go on.
ME: Well, let me think: the last episode alone had the noble idiot trope, a forced separation at the train station, the nonsensical suicide of Maya -- which was completely at odds with his characterisation throughout the series -- the brief coming together of all the characters just before the ending... I mean, is that all you have to show of Kaji and Matsuki, two of the best characters in the show? The degree to which it borrowed from the BL trope kit was almost embarrassing.
TAEKO: Yet there were moments that moved you in it?
ME: Yes. Chihiro's face on the train when he realised that Haoren wasn't going to contact him. (Beppu is the saving grace of that episode, despite the director's best efforts to ruin him.) The moment where Haoren finds him on Instagram. The recognition of his own photo at the exhibition (though it was definitely not the photo Chihiro took). The brief cut, in the last scene, where they break the fourth wall (though the direction of it was really, truly awful). What did you think?
TAEKO: It all felt to me terribly rushed. I could barely keep up with all the stabbing and the running and the seaside gallivanting and the running away again and the prison time... It was exhausting. The seals were cute though. And with such logical inconsistencies as Chihiro's sudden success where he had none before (couldn't he have worked and saved up for a camera earlier?), and a mere three-year sentence for attempted murder, my disbelief could no longer be suspended. I'm also afraid I wasn't quite as moved as you with those precious moments, nor as disappointed with others, because my expectations were far lower.
ME: Maybe I just didn't want the final episode to be a complete failure.
TAEKO: What about the penultimate episode? Did you find it just as wanting?
ME: Well, it certainly wasn't memorable. I was really terrified going in -- which is a good thing -- because I knew Maya was gunning for Chihiro, but then it all became deflated like a tyre on road pike, didn't it?
TAEKO: Oh god yes. I watched the stabbing scene with almost Buddhist serenity, though this might be because they spoiled it for us in the trailer, as they did the train scene. The whole interlude between the assault and the stabbing was so odd, and so unconvincingly domestic -- and then, Haoren even used the "it's all my fault" line. Did Nicholas Sparks write this part?
ME: I wish it weren't so, but you're right.
TAEKO: So, no longer among the best of the BLs?
ME: No, no. It did make me cry at the end, which few BLs do. But I don't know why. If I could split it into two series, the first six would get a 9, and the last two would get a 6, which averages out to 7.5. But that still feels a bit generous.
TAEKO: Especially from you, for whom a single scene can sound the death-knell of a series.
ME: Hahaha. True. But I don't think the final episodes of HOTE were done in bad faith -- which is what pissed me off about the final scene of Cherry Magic, for example. So I'm willing to give it more of a pass. How about you?
TAEKO: I'm going to give it a 6 at best, but then, you know I'm a heartless bitch.
ME: Language!
TAEKO: Sorry.
ME: You know what makes me most sad, Taeko? Something told me this was exactly what was going to happen. I feel as if I knew it all along, not least because this is what happens whenever they squeeze a long manga into a short series. It always runs out of steam. Urgh. I hate being right.
TAEKO: You are the modern Cassandra, the entangler of men. Now, we need a good laugh. Shall we hate-watch something together?
ME: As it happens, I have just the thing...

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: I'm addicted to you...
DON'T SAY: Don't you know that you're toxic?

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Fruits 'n Suits

THE BAILIFF: All rise. The court is now in session. Justice Bea Yeller presides.

DEFENCE: Objection!

JUDGE: Counsel... we haven’t even begun yet.
DEFENCE: But we're here, your Honour. We're here, we’re (not) queer, and we’re loud and clear.
JUDGE: Oh, do sit down. (To the Prosecution): Now, what is the substance of the claim here?

PROSECUTION: A JBL programme, your Honour. Love is Poison. We claim that it is another predictable, pointless and a disappointing addition to the canon, and that, though it is often enjoyably silly, in 2024, it feels dated and retrogressive.
DEFENCE: Spoilsports!
JUDGE: Is that a legal ground for objection, counsel?

DEFENCE: It is in the show!

JUDGE (sighing): They don’t pay me enough for this.
THE JURY: Nor us, your Honour.
JUDGE: Alright, I’ll hear from the Defence first. What do you have to say?

DEFENCE: We say, simply, that LIP is a fun, funny, quirky, and delightful BL, that warms our hearts, and fills us with joy. It does not aspire to anything more than that. And it should not be taken to task for not being anything more than that. The entirety of Prosecution’s case rests on what it *wants* a BL to be, not what it is.
JUDGE: And what is it? 

DEFENCE: A BL.
PROSECUTION: Objection, your Honour. Facts not in evidence.
JUDGE: Sustained. Counsel, you can't just go around begging the question. What do you mean by "just a BL"?
DEFENCE: It’s a fantasy in which two men fall in love. That’s all. It is governed by a set of well-established conventions, and Love is Poison merely follows those conventions. That does not make it derivative or dull, even if it is predictable.
JUDGE: Alright then. What makes it so fun and enjoyable? What is it that warms your hearts and fills them with joy?

DEFENCE: Two very handsome leads, one nerdish lawyer and one sexy rogue. Workplace romance that is half Suits, half Legally Blonde. A light, almost wafer-thin plot which we can comfortably ignore as background noise. People talking to succulents, succulents talking back.
JUDGE: Wait, wait. What?
PROSECUTION: Yes, your Honour. You heard it right. In this world, succulents can talk, while emitting bright solar flares.
JUDGE: Very well. I'll allow it. What else?
DEFENCE: Well, food porn, of course. This is JBL, after all. Manga-style very loud interior monologues. Insanely masculine. (Or the writers were insanely high on mescaline. We're not sure.) A killer soundtrack. With helpful furigana to sing along. The assurance of a happy ending. And, it is very, very funny. What more could you possibly want?
JUDGE: Does the Prosecution dispute any of this?

PROSECUTION: No, your Honour.
JUDGE: Then why are we here?

PROSECUTION: May we put certain questions to the Defence, your Honour?
JUDGE: Why?

PROSECUTION: Latitude, your Honour.
JUDGE: Go ahead. I need to file my nails anyway.
PROSECUTION: Those two very handsome leads, do either of them call themselves ‘gay’?
DEFENCE: No.
PROSECUTION: Is there a character in the show that explicitly does?
DEFENCE: Yes.
PROSECUTION: Is he handsome, this openly gay person? Is he shown with his lover? Are the two shown in any intimate light? Is he anything more than an unattractive, supportive sidekick?
DEFENCE: No. No. No. And no.
PROSECUTION: Do the leads kiss?

DEFENCE: Objection, your Honour. Where are they going with this?

JUDGE: Overruled. Continue.
PROSECUTION: Do the leads kiss?
DEFENCE: It depends on what you mean by kiss.
JUDGE: I think we all know what kissing means, counsel.
PROSECUTION: You'll be surprised, your Honour. We must be grateful we are not in a South Korean court. But to clarify, we mean a kiss that clearly shows two men desiring each other. Not a kiss in which one man presses his lip against another as if he might catch the plague, or worse, turn him “gay”.
JUDGE: No need to be snippy, counsel.
PROSECUTION: Cheerfully withdrawn.
JUDGE: Very well, do they kiss?
DEFENCE (looking a bit hapless): We refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate us.
(The JUDGE rolls his eyes.)
PROSECUTION: Alright. Is there an intimate scene in which, rather than show any body contact, one actor just planks on top of the other, again, you know, because… eww… gay…
DEFENCE: Objection!
JUDGE (at the same time): Counsel! You are on a short leash here.
PROSECUTION: Apologies, your Honour.
JUDGE (to the Defence): Answer the question.

DEFENCE: No, there isn’t. But if the actors are not comfortable doing that...
PROSECUTION: Then they have no business being in a BL, your Honour. Why take on a role where you love another man, if you're not willing to act it? It just reeks of homophobia.
DEFENCE: Objection. There’s no homophobia in the show.
PROSECUTION: We don’t disagree, your Honour. There *is* no homophobia in the show. That is part of what makes it enjoyable. Right? 
It is pure fiction.
DEFENCE: Yes. So what? Is that wrong? Many of us need that fantasy to escape this world, and we are well within our right to.
PROSECUTION: We take no issue with that. But everything around and about the show is, shall we say, more 2014 than 2024. After all, why introduce a gay character with no individuality, no depth, and no heart, except to support the very straight-coded leads?

DEFENCE: Straight-coded? Are you suggesting the leads be effeminate to conform to a stereotype?

PROSECUTION: Not at all. But the Defence has already admitted to the existence of BL conventions by which LIP abides. Did you not? Would you not then agree that this is one of them? That the leads must, to all appearances and in all aspects, act ‘straight’? One consequence of which is that they can never identify as ‘gay’? And another consequence of which is that effeminate or openly gay characters don’t ever get to be the leads? Besides, why can't the lead ever be an effeminate gay man, when androgynous idols are all the rage in Japan? Or would that be too obviously "gay" for the audience?
DEFENCE: Objection, your Honour.
JUDGE: What is it this time?
DEFENCE: Relevance? Must these people ruin everything that is fun by making it about something grave and important? 

PROSECUTION: Might we remind the jury that BLs are, by the defendants' own definition, stories of two men in love? Which makes the question of whether or not they are gay or bisexual more than relevant.
JUDGE: Overruled. Hurry up, counsels. Some of us have to go to lunch.
PROSECUTION: Your Honour, what the Defence calls conventions, we call clichés. What they call silly, we call stupid. What warms their heart, makes us cringe. What fills them with joy, fills us with regret.
JUDGE: Isn’t this all a bit subjective, counsel? What exactly do you want me, and the jurors, to do about it?
DEFENCE: Exactly. Why harsh our mellows?
JUDGE: Is that a legal code now, "harshing one's mellows"?

PROSECUTION: Your Honour, we don’t ask for realism from BLs. That would be an oxymoron. We just think that many of the conventions, as the Defence calls them, or tropes, as we call them, are backwards and regressive. They are exclusionary, even discriminatory. We would also enjoy LIP a lot more if it did not resort to these tropes in 2024, when the majority of Japanese are in support of gay marriage, and when Japan, as a society, seems apt to move on.
JUDGE: What does the Defence say?

DEFENCE: We don’t believe in telling people what to make, your Honour. We just enjoy what is given.
PROSECUTION: But not telling people what to make is to tacitly endorse what they are already making. By claiming to enjoy it for what it is, you are voting for more of the same. For stasis and mediocrity. And it shows.
DEFENCE: Objection.
JUDGE: Overruled.
DEFENCE: Your Honour!
JUDGE: O-ver-ruled. (To the Prosecution): Wrap it up, counsel.
PROSECUTION: Your Honour, we would love to do nothing more than enjoy the same BLs that the Defence does. Nothing would make us happier. But many of these outdated conventions leave a very bad taste in our mouths. We love the cactus choreography, we love the blinding white camera flares, and we all love the strategic towel drop that accidentally reveals the nerdish lawyer’s unexpectedly hot body. We love the stupidity of the BL insistence that every student, lawyer, doctor, be a genius and the best in the whole country. We love the even greater stupidity that they all also happen to be hot, popular, and surrounded by girls who do nothing but shout ‘kawai’, and run around with gifts and flowers to give the ‘ikemen’. (Of course, we won’t talk about how JBLs treat the women in the show, which deserves its own class-action lawsuit.) All we ask is that gay people’s identities be not erased in the name of appealing to the masses, and pandering to the homophobes. We don’t think we are being unreasonable.
JUDGE: Anything more to add?
PROSECUTION: No, your Honour.
JUDGE (to the Defence): Counsel?
DEFENCE: The Defence rests, your Honour.
JUDGE: Very well then. Jurors, deliberate, and when you come to a conclusion, let me know. I’m off to Bianca’s.

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: The jury's out.
DON'T SAY: Gay.

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A Recipe for Gastronomic JBLs (II)

Or, How to Rob the Cradle in 7 Gourmet Meals

Ingredients:

For the series:
10-15 year age-gap
6-10 inch height gap
2-4 side characters with no depth or individuality
1 small kitchen
1 knife and 1 pair of ryouribashi (cooking chopsticks)
1 serving (at least) of onigiri
1 serving (at least) of a Western dessert
2-4 instances (at least) of misunderstanding & miscommunication, or forced separation
1 episode of illness or indisposition
1 wet towel to help tend to that indisposition
(Story optional)

For each episode:
10 mins. of food porn, of which
2 mins. for broth-based dishes
2 mins. for rice-based dishes
2 mins. for curry or sauce
2 min. for lingering shots of chopping
1 min. for serving
1 min. for presentation
2 min. (at most) of interaction with side characters
1 exclamation (at least) of "oishii" or "umai"
(Plot and character development optional)

For serving:
2-4 shots of chopstick choreography per episode
3-5 near-kisses per series
1 fish-eye or camera-angle non-kiss per series (optional)
(Payoff optional)

Preparation:
1. Toss the ingredients together in a medium-sized series
2. Be careful to keep the right proportions for each episode
3. Simmer slowly to break down all chemistry and tension
4. Gently stir the camera around the top of the pan and apply suitable filters
5. Decant the bland broth into 25-minute containers
6. Garnish with the non-kiss
7. Serve lukewarm immediately, or tomorrow, or five years from now. It doesn’t matter.

Special Notes for Mitsuya Sensei:
1. I have not seen two actors/characters with less chemistry and less suited for each other since Elon Musk and Grimes. It is the first BL, ever, in which I actively did not want the men to kiss.
2. Yamazaki Masayoshi is an amazing actor, and made the role of Mitsuya his own.
3. Caramel Popcorn is the new birthday cake.
4. The dog was the best thing about the show. Fight me.

Note: This review also appears under Sugar Dog Life, but with a different set of notes.

DO SAY: Itadakimasu.
DON’T SAY: Ittakimasu.

See Also: Sugar Dog Life, Bokura no Shokutaku, Kinou Nani Tabeta, Perfect Propose.

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A Review of SLGS set to the “Friends” Theme Song

I tried to write a straightforward review of this show many times. But it is so weird, and so full of tonal shifts and dissonance, that I couldn’t quite find a satisfying way to do it. So, I decided instead to write a review in the style of a 90s sitcom theme song, specifically Friends, given the setting of the show and its references to music. One of the virtues of the show is that, though it deals with very serious themes, and is often very moving, it refuses to take itself seriously. I have done the same thing, and hope I have somewhat succeeded in capturing the spirit of the show. If you know the theme tune, feel free to sing along.

***

So no one told you life was gonna be this way
Your school’s a joke, you’re broke, your love life’s MIA
It’s like you’re always stuck in second year
When whether you’re a man, a woman, queer
or straight, is not even clear
but

I’ll be there for you
(When you beautify your lips)
I’ll be there for you
(When you embellish those lids)
I’ll be there for you
(‘Cause you’re queer as me too)

You think you’re being bullied, but he’s just another gay
You want your wig on, he shears it off, and it’s better everyway
You know you’d rather shag that gym teacher
But the only one who comes for you
is that creepy foul monster
but

I’ll be there for you
(When your life’s under threat)
I’ll be there for you
(When you’re full of dread and regret)
I’ll be there for you
(‘Cause you’re gay for me too)

[No one could ever know me
No one could ever see me
Seems you're the only one who knows
What it's like to be me
Someone to face the day with
Make it through all the rest with
Someone I'll always laugh with
Even at my worst, I'm best with you, yeah]

It’s true, we can’t always have our dream
But if from one of us these tears must stream
Let it be mine, for we’re a team
and

I’ll be there for you
(When the rain starts to pour)
I'll be there for you
(Like I've been there before)
I'll be there for you
('Cause you're there for me too)

***

This review is dedicated to ScorchQueen, whose encouragement and support on this site means much to me.

Reader's (Nirvana) Digest:
DO SAY: Come As You Are
DON’T SAY: Negative Creep

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Unforgotten Bite

Alright, hear me out. I quite enjoyed this. Well, half of it. Well, maybe a third of it.

There was a period when chaste, homophobic KBLs were getting on my last nerve, and I decided I won't watch any BLs without at least a bit of tongue-lashing, and so, I stumbled upon this. With generous skipping, I thought of it as a Thai Pinku Eiga, which made it a lot more fun.

Don't be under any illusion: this is very, very, very, very, very, very bad. Very.

But... was I amused to see a virgin twin(k) ride a hot stud like an acrobatic rodeo two minutes after saying, "I've never done this before"? Yes.

Was I also amused to see the other twin(k) be railed by another hot dude (my fave) on the kitchen table... twice? Also yes.

Did I hate that horrible loincloth on one of the twinks during that stairway two-way? Absolutely.

Was I also left with an idiotic smile at the end of it all, with a welcome reminder that characters in a BL can unapologetically enjoy sex -- something a lot of supposedly "good" BLs still have on their to-do list? Believe it.


***
Notes:
1. The score for acting/cast is based purely on the hotness of the actors, which, I know, is very deep of me.
2. The score for "rewatch value" is also based on hotness, but of the sex scenes, which, to be fair, ought to be deep.
3. I don't know that there was any *music*, but I remember seeing guitars -- this being a Thai BL, after all -- and promptly muted my computer.
4. As for story, it is as good as you get in any soft porn. Which is to say, non-existent. It did convince me to go to Japan, though!


***
Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: Don't you ever tell me... Love isn't true... It's just something that we do.
DON'T SAY: Let's ride this train... coming around the bend... I know it's coming again.

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Frequently Asked Questions: A Partial Guide to "Love In The Big City"

Content Warning: Mild sardonic humour.

I. THE BASICS.

Should I watch this show?

Absolutely.

Why?

Because it is perhaps the best Korean series I have seen under the BL/LGBT rubric. 



Really? But you hate everything!
I know!

What’s so good about the show?
The cast and the acting are both superb, the cinematography is very good, and the production commendable. The directors (especially of the later episodes) did a great job creating and sustaining specific moods within which the drama plays out. But, above all, I just fell in love with the story, and all the people, flawed as they are, in it. I felt as if I had entered a whole, new, fully realised world, which I was loth to leave. It was funny, messy, enjoyable, beautiful, quietly moving, and at times, devastating.

What’s middling about it?

The script. When it’s good, it’s very good. When it’s bad, you'll roll your eyes or cringe. Sometimes, you're left with more questions than answers.

And what’s bad?
That depends on what you want out of the show. If you’re expecting a traditional BL, you’ll be disappointed. If you're looking for social commentary on homophobia in Korea, you'll be disappointed. If you’re looking for likeable characters, a protagonist you can root for, or for the evolving presence of another character besides the protagonist, you’ll also be disappointed.

How would you characterise this show then?
Think of "Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man", but make it gay and less obnoxious. The story is about Ko Yeong, and Ko Yeong alone. It is to his life that the series is devoted. Other people will merely come and go. As they do in the solipsistic theatre in each of our lives.

Does it have a happy ending?
I will not dignify that with a response.*


II. PLOT & CHARACTERS.

What is the plot of the show?
It really doesn't have one. You just follow the life of Ko, and see the world through his perspective, which, admittedly, is limited, self-serving and sometimes suffocating. However, the overarching theme is love, and how, in contrast to what Pope Ru Paul II says, you can't really love yourself until you have dared to love someone else.

Can you say more?
Well, without spoiling too much, I think the show is about how we don't always recognise love when we have it, nor understand it when we profess it, nor, worst of all, know how to treasure it until we lose it.

Sounds painful.
It's love!

Who is Ko Yeong, then?
He's a writer, and is obviously modelled on Sang Young Park, the person who wrote the novel on which this is based. I won't say anything more than that. You should discover his character on your own.

Oh no, he's unlikeable, isn't he?
Since when did people start insisting that all fictional characters must be admirable or paragons of moral purity? He's human, and yes, humans are often insufferable.

Alright, alright. What about the other characters?
Yeong has a good group of friends, a girl friend from college with whom he lives for a while, lovers who come and go, and then there is... no, I don't want to spoil it. There's also his mum and dad, though the latter has only a marginal presence, and is very thinly sketched.

How well-drawn are the other characters?
Well, you will have to first accept that most characters aren't present throughout the show. They do drop off. If you accept that -- and I'm not saying you should -- I think they are very well-drawn. The girl friend and Yeong's mother are my favourites. The Japanese character at the end is the worst-written. But the actors are, with one or two exceptions, brilliant, and bring their subjects vividly to life.


III. THE SCRIPT & ACTING.

Is the writing any good?
Yes, and no. There is a lot to like about it. It is suffused with humour and charm -- a rare virtue in this world -- and pregnant with pathos. But it is uneven. Some episodes are clearly better than others.

Such as?
Again, I don't want to spoil too much. But there is an episode involving a break-up scene in a pasta restaurant. Let's just say, it was perfect. The note on which the episode ends might seem irredeemably cheesy, and might have been better written, but I thought it was the right note on which to end it. Not least because, otherwise, homophobia would have won the day. I will also say that the writing in Ep. 6 was perhaps the best in the series, and the best in any Korean TV show I have seen -- which, outside the BL world, is admittedly not a lot. Obviously, Park loves Madame Bovary, the references and parallel to which, for those who have read it, will be obvious.

When is the writing bad?
It mainly comes down to two things: pacing, and on-the-nose sentimentality. Evidently, squeezing a 200-page novel into an 8-part series is hard, but the script could have nevertheless been sharper, and the timing better spent. There are omissions that make little sense, and inclusions that are baffling. The other problem is its propensity to lapse into sentimentality when it is not sure that the audience will feel the way it wants them to feel. This leads to narrative overcompensation, and therefore to some of the sappiest moments in the show. Having said that, there is another plausible explanation for this sappiness and for some of the more overt fairy tale moments. (Emphasis on the ‘fairy’.)

What is it?
This is a bit of a spoiler. But Yeong, in the end, strongly implies that the story we have seen is not real, but a fictionalised version of his life that he has written for himself. He is attempting to write and rewrite story of his past loves — which is symbolised in the lantern scene — and yet (or therefore) fails to understand it. The fairy tale moments are a symbol of that want. This is, of course, a generous interpretation on my part. But I think it is justified.

I have to ask, this being a Korean production, do the men in the show at least kiss?
Oh, they do so much more than that!

Glory Hallelujah! So the actors don't hold back?
No! The cast is quite amazing. (Well, except the Japanese cast member. He should have been fired.) And the lead is a tremendous actor, and, from what I gather, a very good person.

Is this what happens when straight people are not put in charge of a show?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me.*


IV. THE ISSUES.

I presume the show has something to say about what it's like to be gay in Korea and all that?
It sure does.

And?
Well, it is not a PSA about homophobia in Korea, and thank heavens for that. The story does touch upon all the issues, but by allusion and ellipsis, and not, as lesser shows do, in the service of edification or worse, as a plot device.

So, what does come up?
Christianity, of course, and the homophobia it sows. (Somebody should put up a poster somewhere: CHRISTIANITY. RUINING YOUR SEX LIFE FOR 2000 YEARS!) Conversion therapy. Internalised homophobia. HIV. PrEP.

Does it deal with these issues well?
Urgh.* Why should the onus of that be on the show? Or on any work of art? But, to answer your question, for the most part, yes. Yeong has never had trouble accepting himself, and wants to be only himself. (Though in the first episode or two, that does not always appear to be the case.) And HIV is not a death sentence in the show, and it is clear that, when it was filmed/written, Thailand was farther ahead on PEP/PrEP than Korea. (Japan doesn't offer PrEP to this day!) These are all a normal part of what it means to be a sexually active gay person today, and it is to the show's credit that it portrays it as such, and not as an onerous check-list to tick off. Such things come up organically, and don't feel forced. There is one issue, however, that I should perhaps warn you about, which is my one area of moral uncertainty about the show.

Which is?
The question of when and how to tell a potential sexual partner you have HIV. It was once unquestionable that you had to tell all potential partners. But with PrEP and PEP, as well as the medical certainty that Undetectable=Untransmittable, these things are no longer quite so clear cut, not least when the stigma of disclosing your HIV status remains as strong as ever. Yeong says in the show that he has only told one partner (which, on its face, is quite unbelievable). But that makes his behaviour with other partners morally dubious, unless we know that he's undetectable, which he does seem to be. (Korea's public health system does pay for HIV medication.) Then why not say so, especially when it could have been done in two lines of dialogue or less? It would have also added to the depth of Yeong's character, by adding more substance to his limitations as a human being. This, I think, *is* an instance of bad writing.


V. LIFE LESSONS

Does the show offer any pearls of wisdom for young gay (or bi) men?
Yes, plenty!

Such as?
1. Don't go out with a philosopher. Ever.
2. Don't date Christians. Or rather, practising Christians of the born-again, evangelical sort.
3. If you're going to go to bed with a guy on the DL, don't fall in love with him. To quote a wise woman: Use him, abuse him, lose him.
4. If a guy asks you to hide who you are in public, or in front of other people, run.
5. If it seems like you're dating one prick after another, or one closet-case after another, take a good look at yourself in the mirror. Maybe it's you, Linda!
6. Keep a good group of friends around you who understand you.
7. Learn about PEP, PrEP, U=U, STDs, and when in doubt, always use a condom.
8. If you are lucky enough to find a man with whom you can be yourself, don't ever let him go.
9. Loving another person is perhaps the hardest thing in the world to do. And for all its highs, rushes, longings, and satisfactions, it also has its long periods of languor, stupor, pain, and disappointment. Don't confuse these for signs of failure and give up.
10. There is a reason we have appropriated the word 'gay' for ourselves. We are lovely, funny, messy, sexy, gorgeous, insane creatures. Embrace it!


VI. LAST WORDS

It sounds as if, even though you like the show a great deal, you do have a few reservations about it. Why do you then praise it so, and why the high rating?
I don't usually go into shows with any set expectations. I go in with a spirit of receptiveness, to see what the work has to offer. In most BLs I come across here, what I see is a straight woman's fantasy of two men being in love, where, if you replace the submissive person with a woman, you'd barely notice the difference from a run-of-the Mills & Boons romance.

I see what you did there.
Haha, yes. Nothing wrong with that, of course. Pleasure is pleasure. But it does not resonate with me. (I also find it deeply troubling when shows go out of their way to avoid the word 'gay', or avoid depictions of gay intimacy -- which decision, alas, wins much plaudits among the viewership here.) On the other hand, films that are tagged with the LGBT label are expected to focus too heavily on the pain of coming out, societal homophobia, bullying, suicides, and persecution, which, of course, is vital and important. But something gets lost in the middle between these two extremes of straight-washed fantasy and hideous reality. This show exists in that in-between space, and that's what appealed to me the most. Love mixed with hatred, levity with weight, humour with sorrow, fantasy with reality, charm with severity, isolation within crowds, and pockets of tolerance within a hostile city. The show is not quite realistic, but it is *real*. It is a world I can recognise as being true, as being faithful to life. And it is not often I can say that.

*The asterisk indicates an ironic or sardonic comment, not to be taken literally. I wish I didn't have to point this out. But given that some people are constitutionally devoid of a sense of humour (see below, and on the comments section of the show), I thought it better to be safe. Sigh.

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: Monsieur Yeong, c'est moi!
DON'T SAY: Let us be Seoul Mates

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WikiHow: How (Not) To Do A Remake

Step 1. Think hard. When was the last time people thought a remake was better than the original? If you are going to remake a show that is justly (or unjustly) famous (or notorious), know that people will always compare your show to the original. If it falls short, you have only yourself to blame.

Step 2. Know your audience. BL is a niche community, even in Japan. Many of us have heard of and seen the original LITA. We may love it, we may hate it, but we know of it. A lot of us will watch the remake just in order to see how it compares. If you forget this, again, you have only yourself to blame.

Step 3. Ask yourself why. I mean, why? For god’s sake, why? Why can’t you leave well enough — or bad enough — alone? What possible reason might you have, apart from a presumed reluctance on the part of the Japanese -- a reluctance that I don't think exists -- to read subtitles? Or if that isn’t the problem, what have you to offer us that’s different? If nothing, why waste time and money on this, when you could have given us something better?

Step 4. Consider the source material. Here, you potentially have two. The (cough) novel. And the TV show. If you did read... the novel… more power to you. If you just watched the TV show, welcome to our world. But don't forget. This is Mame. Storytelling isn’t her strength. Sexual… ummm… proclivities, I guess? are what gets her off. As, of course, does calling your dom top “Daddy”. Well done, Noeul.

Step 5. Rip the bodices. Isn’t that what got you into it in the first place? If you’re going to be coy around it, leave it alone. Some of us return to LITA not for the… story… but for something else. And that something else was *hot*. If you can’t handle the heat, stay out of the kitchen. Which, given the number of gastronomic BLs Japan puts out each year, is perhaps impossible.

Step 6. Speaking of cooking, test for chemistry. People who cared for LITA fall into two camps. They were either in it for the dom-bottom pair, or for the peat-bog -- I mean, peat-fort -- pair. Either way, it is the chemistry between them that sold the show. This one has all the chemistry of mildew on a damp cloth.

Step 7. Cast the right actors. In a bodice-ripper, they must be game, and willing to go all the way. The actors in the original did. That’s why we bought it — even those who hated it. You did well enough with Shoma here, and there is a reason why he did two segments of Kiss x Kiss x Kiss in one season. The man is hot, and he's comfortable lashing his tongue against another's. But you really oughtn’t have cast the rest of the gang here. Hamaya was certainly a bad choice. When one of the actors refuses to open his lips, while the other one licks them like a cat does the last drop of milk from a bowl, it is not sexy. It looks non-consensual, and makes us cringe. (While I’m not staying for the other couple, what I have seen so far hasn’t been encouraging. I doubt they’d even kiss.)

Step 8. Find the right size. For the series as a whole and for each episode. Here, the length and duration do not feel right. Sometimes, less is not more. Compression is not always a virtue. Size matters. The original… story… was narratively "challenged" as it was. Don’t make it incomprehensible. Remember: length contraction is the same as time dilation. Einstein taught us that.

Step 9. Identify areas for improvement. The "story" and the "writing" in the original weren’t exactly stellar. You could have made the story tighter (or, you know, exist), more coherent, and more integrated, especially given the limitations on time and length you have imposed upon yourself. Isn’t this what JBLs are supposed to be good at?

Step 10. Or, you know, just stop. The “market”, unlike colour in Japanese cinematography, is saturated enough as it is. We have the Thai BL meat factory releasing a bodice-ripper every other week, but at least there the actors know how to kiss. Taiwan releases a step-brother storyline once a month to titillate us, and KBL is ever at hand to give us the white-and-blue-jacket no-kiss-guaranteed school lunch once a season. We have enough to keep us going. If you have nothing original to offer, why bother?

This review is dedicated to Selbee, who had love enough to ask me for one.

Reader’s Digest:
DO SAY: There’s a new Love in the Air.
DON’T SAY: It's a hole in the ozone layer.

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Good Guy, My Loss

A Review in Two Letters

Letter 1. From James/Elyes to Me:

Dear Meng,

Forgive me for not writing sooner, but, something strange is going on. As you know, I left Auckland to take up a new position in Bangkok, and I was really looking forward to it. However, since coming here, my world has turned upside down. Completely. I fear I may have left the real world behind, and might now be the lead in a Thai BL. Is this a good thing? Or bad? Help!

Since I stepped foot in this beautiful country, people keep calling me handsome. It has never happened before. Men, women, children, pigeons... they all call me handsome. That was the first clue. I have also lost most of my body fat. You can now see muscles in my body that I did not know existed. Then there is my skin. You’d think that, even with sunscreen, my translucent skin would become more and more tanned, being this close to the equator. But, if you can believe it, I’ve become paler. I suspect someone has been applying a thick coat of make-up on me when I'm asleep, all over my body, and it refuses to come off when I shower. You’d also think that the humidity of Bangkok would mess up my hair into unmanageable frizz. But no, every strand perfectly falls into place, even when it's wet with lube or shampoo.

I am the head of a company whose name I do not know, and whose business I do not understand. I wear suits. It is 35 C outside and I wear suits. I do not sweat. For some reason, I also cannot button up my shirt. Every time I try, it keeps unbuttoning itself, sometimes down to my waist. I go up to my colleagues showing my nipples and navel. Is this sexual harrassment?

I have an assistant. His name is Pat. At this time, I’m pretty sure we have an abusive relationship. I think I’m still gay in this world, or at least bi, but I’m not allowed to say it. Everytime I try to, someone chokes my throat. Not sure who. (Also, all the men in this world seem to be gay, except for one friend of Pat’s. Who would have thought it? Gay friends are no longer the side-kicks, but straight men are. Progress?) Anyway, this assistant does not to do any company work. He just manages my sex life. Which, I think, takes up a good chunk of my waking hours. I know he’s in love with me, and I like him too, so it is only fitting that I treat him horribly, and make him cater to my every whim. I am obsessive, possessive, and controlling, and I'm pretty sure I'm gaslighting him too. I suspect I'll be stalking him soon, then abduct him, and keep him under house arrest. All very romantic. But he loves it... I think. Weirdly, I have this other fuckbuddy named Kim who’s much hotter, and way better in bed. Pat, by comparison, is stiff as a board, and resists me like a Victorian virgin. Yet, the BL gods have willed it that I must lust after this wet blanket.

I keep falling ill. Pat keeps falling ill. We both keep fainting, often from a cold, often caught from a single drop of rain. But we don’t go to the doctors. Oh no. We unbutton our shirts instead (in my case, there's just one button left), and we gently rub each other’s white-as-chalk chests -- and, weirdly, our knee-pits, which is apparently an erogenous zone here -- with wet towels. I suppose leeches and blood-letting are no longer sexy.

Am I the arsehole here? You don’t need to ask Reddit. I am. Yet I’m sure there’s a reason for it, and a past will be revealed which will perfectly justify my present behaviour. Until then, I’ll have to put up with everyone calling me a “red flag”. Which is fine, because I hate "green flags". Only, I’m not sure I want to stay here. I know, it’s a pretty cushy life I have right now. I'm rich, hot, immensely fuckable, and answerable to no one. Who’d want to give all that up? But it sits so oddly with the world of today, and the person I was, that my conscience might not permit it. We shall see.

I’ll write if I have any updates. Pray for me.

Love,
J./E.

*****

Letter 2. From me to Elyes

Dear Elyes,

You will notice that I'm no longer calling you by your birth name, because I've been waiting for a reply to my last three letters, and have received none. I must presume therefore that you have now embraced your new identity, and are completely of the BL world, with no access to reality whatsoever.

You lucky bastard. Couldn't you have taken me with you? I hate it here. You get to live in a world where homophobia does not exist, where the majority of men are gay, and where straight people exist just to support you. A photographic negative, in other words, of the real world. Worse, in your world, you are also apparently rich, handsome, and attractive to anything that can breathe, all of which makes me want to run to my GP and ask for a prescription for Ozempic and Rogaine. Only, I can't afford either, because, in this world, I don't even have a pot to piss in.

Admittedly, there is a Mephistophelean bargain here: you've been reduced to a mere stick figure without any psychological depth or complexity, upon whom is foisted the most boring of lives, and the most nauseating language. But who cares? I just want a happy ending -- in every sense of that word. So do you, and so, certainly, does the audience, most of whom will eat this up no matter how horrible you are, and no matter how "toxic" they find you. And when the show "redeems" you, which it doubtless will, all the people who once screamed "red flag" at their screens would now cheer for you and Pat. Where's the incentive then to be good or have a personality? Sod it. You do you, girlfriend!

I was, for a moment, sad for you, because you are now trapped within the confines of this world, and must live out the same segments of your new life over and over again. But I soon realised that's jealousy talking. You get to be perpetually young, perpetually rich, and perpetually happy, while others around you, including the man you supposedly love, get perpetually abused, insulted, or shoved aside. I suppose that that, at least, is a faithful enough reflection of the real world. But then, we *know* the real world is horrible. Otherwise, none of us would be watching Thai BLs now, would we?

That said, a large part of me is also quite angry. Not with you, necessarily, but with the writers. On the one hand, I have lost you as a friend, and that makes me sad. On the other, I'm angry that the writers have written you into this cheap, derivative, lifeless world, instead of creating for you, and for us, a fantasy that is more worthy of you, less demeaning to others, and had greater ambitions. But then the gods of Thai BL have decided that stories such as yours, which they keep churning out at the rate of one a week, is all that its audience deserves. And why not? We keep coming back, because, evidently, we are all masochists here, and we will put up with any amount of suffering to see an imaginary glimpse of happily-ever-after.

I don't want to end on a wistful note. I shall miss you, and I miss the best days of Thai BL. But I want you to be happy. Do us a favour though, will you? When you do get together with Pat, for the tenth time no doubt, have the decency to dick him down properly. I mean, dick him down so properly that he will never have cause to complain again -- except perhaps of having to limp to work. The poor lad deserves at least that, don’t you think?

Take care, my friend.

Love,
Meng.


Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: Blame it on the Bossa Nova
DON'T SAY: What's HR?

Read More

Hearing Gayed. Broken.

The following conversation took place this week between me (a gay man) and a friend of mine (a straight woman who’s hard of hearing). We sometimes watch BLs together. (Note: This conversation was first posted on Reddit, but felt more appropriate here.)

ME: So, what do you think (of Hidamari)?

SHE: What do *I* think? With all this praise from everyone, everywhere, all at once, you’d think this was the second coming of Christ!

ME: Tell me about it. I think there has been a sprinkling of healthy scepticism on Reddit, but it’s out and out war on the pages of MDL.

SHE: Let me guess. Between those who think it’s a disability drama, and those who think it’s BL?

ME: Bingo!

SHE: Are there any who think it’s bad at both?

ME: Ummm… you?

SHE: Bingo!

ME: There is also that other, internecine war on MDL: between that group of mostly young, mostly female population who want a chaste, aching BL, and the older gays who, understandably, don’t want the sex erased from homosexuality.

SHE: Well, you know whose side I am on.

ME: Mine, I hope. Anyway, do spill.

SHE: As you know, I don’t think art needs to be representational at all. It is not anyone’s duty to represent anything. But, insofar as people think that this show ‘represents’ disability, it is a miserable failure. Not least because it is primarily a plot device, whose purpose is to sow misunderstanding and miscommunication between our boys. As if Japanese characters don’t do enough of that to themselves already. Apparently, deaf people can’t communicate because… well… they can’t hear well. Get it? How original! Have you ever known me to be non-communicative?

ME: If only.

SHE: Might I remind you that you gave me your number? Anyway, I know I'm oversimplifying matters... but not that much. The idea that people hard of hearing cannot reach out, or do not reach out, out of fear, failure of confidence, or low self-esteem, is just so old and tired, I'm quite sick of it. Our lives are richer than that. There is nothing we want more than be part of the world, and we are often better communicators for it. I don't know if Kohei's syndrome was more cultural or physiological, but either way, he made me quite angry with all that self-pity. A highly unattractive trait in a man. At least Taichi brought a measure of joy and innocence into the drama -- and Kobayashi is an amazing actor -- but soon I grew weary of his naïveté too. He's so dense that even light would bend around him. I was patient enough of all this for the first few episodes, but then they brought in Maya...

ME: Who, by the way, has a lot of defenders.

SHE: Of course she does. Another straight, evil woman who comes in between the boys in a BL? It's revolutionary, I tell you.

ME: She transcends that trope, apparently...

SHE: By, let me guess, being deaf and having a sad past? Yay! Deaf people can be evil too! I feel seen! That’s true representation! Trope? What trope?

ME: I get it. I get it. Also, it's not as if either of us are against tropes, when done well. I seem to remember you did love Heart and Li Ming in Moonlight Chicken.

SHE: Oh, that was wonderful. I was swooning over them, and wondering where the fuck was my Li Ming. Was it good “representation”? No. (Let's face it, nor is Hidamari.) Was it “realistic”? No. (Again, nor is Hidamari.) But was it full of joy? Yes! Was it full of chemistry and sensuality and longing? Yes. Did it show that deaf people can be fun and joyous too and want rampant sex and can make fun of ourselves? Yes, yes, yes. It didn’t even have a proper kiss, and yet managed to be so full of physicality. Which emotionally starved fuck-up wrote this script?

ME: I’d rather not go into it.

SHE: Was the person who wrote the manga hard-of-hearing?

ME: I don’t know. I didn't think it mattered.

SHE: Good. Better that way. Because if I found out that they were, I might be tempted to cut them some slack, and I don't want to. I want to preserve my unrighteous indignation.

ME: When did you first become suspicious that the show was going to be a damp squib?

SHE: Shall we say it together?

BOTH: The kiss!

ME: Yes!

SHE: What a cop off!

ME: People tried to justify it, you know. Everywhere. The pearl-clutchers came up with all sorts of explanations. I just couldn’t accept it. At all. This is 20-fucking-24! It smelt too much of cowardice to me. If not institutional homophobia.

SHE: Thank god I can still smell.

ME: Indeed, and my tastebuds are thankful for it. But yes, it was a symbol, a symbol of oncoming failure of imagination, a lack of daring. I knew at that point that they were going to take the easy way out. I mean, the show had so many good things at the beginning. The set-up, the acting, the natural fluidity of presence between Kohei and Taichi. What happened?

SHE: Multitasking never works. Trust me. Not even for women. The show was vacillating from theme to theme, character to character, without knowing what it wanted to say, or show. In other words, the definition of a bad script, which no acting, however good, can redeem. It had no focus.

ME: And the focus should have been on love.

SHE: Yes. Why else are we here?

ME: You mean on earth, or in the BL world?

SHE: What’s the difference?

ME: I’m going to block you now.

SHE: Don’t. Then I have to talk to my husband. I'm just saying that if they wanted to marry the idea of love and hardness-of-hearing, they shouldn't have resorted to such cheap tricks as introducing Maya, or just make misunderstanding the whole machinery of the show. I could practically hear the plot creaking. Ironically...

ME: No wonder you bought me lube for my last birthday. When did you throw in the towel then?

SHE: An episode or two after Maya came in. You?

ME: The episode where Maya came in.

SHE: You quit sooner? That almost never happens!

ME: Yes, but I have been keeping up with discussions on MDL — you know I’m a masochist — and Reddit, and it has been going exactly where I thought it would go. I knew the romance would disappear, I knew that there would be no further intimacy, I knew that Maya would occupy too much time… it all came true. I have developed a sixth sense for turgid BLs.

SHE: And you call me harsh.

ME: I'll do one better and call the ending now. There will be a time-jump, there will be another almost near-miss, there will be an “I’ve loved you all along” realisation, and then the worst bad-angle, fish-eyed kiss imaginable. You know, with the kind of chemistry that causes asphyxiation? Or death by proptosis? That is, of course, if there is a kiss at all. Maybe they'll end it with a low-five.

SHE: What is a low-five?

ME: Where they just hug, or briefly hold hands, and as soon as their hands move downwards, they go: Ewww... gay.

SHE: I've taught you well. And I bet they’ll try to redeem Maya too.

ME: Like Tong in whatchamacallit.

SHE: My Stand-in?

ME: Sorry, I’m too busy.

SHE: What are you watching now?

ME: Happy of the End. Terrible title, but it is sooo good! I'm hoping it will redeem JBL for me this year. You?

SHE: 4Minutes, mainly to see Fuaiz being a power-bottom. I'm hoping that, in the finale, he'll be railed to death by Win and Korn, and maybe have a Great Tyme too.

ME: I’m still waiting for a Thai power couple named Gang & Bang.

SHE: One can only hope. On which note…


Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: What's your love language?
DON'T SAY: What's love in sign language?

Read More

Ten short sermons on how (not) to write (a BL)

1. If you're going to write a show wherein music is an important theme, the characters' fingers must at least touch the instruments convincingly. A few piano lessons (or guitar lessons) will go a long way.

2. A show about musicians must, well, be musical. No amount of autotuning, nor a liberal sprinkling of English words, can conceal a fundamental want of talent.

3. A rock star -- even a grieving washed-up rock star -- is allowed to age without unkempt unshampooed undeloused hair. It is unforgiveable to make Charles Tu look that ugly. Even more unforgivable to use a wig that looks like it was the sole survivor of a tornado that ripped through a FujoCon.

4. Bowl cuts are not markers of youth. Anymore than manbuns are markers of midlife crises.

5. Still on the subject of hair, are blonde mullets a thing now? Does anyone find them attractive? Orca, if you want to know why Reese resists, just look in the mirror.

6. Don't be a prick tease. If you're going to keep our lovers apart in the name of building up tension, you had better give us a good reason for doing so. Poor Reese. I still don't understand why he couldn't shag that idiot for so long, the one who thought it fit to add blonde extensions to his otherwise perfect hair, a stray strand of which, for the billionth time in BL, Reese felt the need to tenderly push away while he was asleep. (Sea did this too! In the same episode!) I know that blindness caused by a lock of hair is endemic to BL, and often fatal. But Reese, if you can tolerate that mullet, you must truly be in love. You do you.

7. If you're going to have more than a few supporting characters in a story, give them more individuality than a side-couple with no dramatic interest, a straight pair who are just supportive friends, and a dead brother whose main purpose is to be dead.

8. People don't need loud background music to tell them how they should feel. People know how to feel -- assuming that the actors and the script are any good. In a show where music is the main theme, it's just self-defeating.

9. Sassy secretaries are awesome. Use them more.

10. Don't worry about age-gaps or height-gaps. They are beloved for a reason. However, be subversive. Make the short twink the top, and the tall washed-up rock star the bottom. Then get a bowl of popcorn and enjoy the pandaemonium that follows. (But please don't save that bowl for another haircut.)

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: If music be the food of love...
DON'T SAY: Play on.

Read More

A JBL Bingo: School Edition

I have created, for your pleasure and displeasure, a bingo card for Japanese school BLs. I wrote these down before I started watching Miseinen (I promise!), and I’m going to see at which episode I yell “Bingo!”. Feel free to play along, and tell me when you win. (For more on the show itself, and my rating, see below.)

Column B:
(Psychology 101)

1. Overbearing mother
2. Absent or abusive father
3. Inability to communicate (except through inner monologues)
4. Panic attacks at the very thought of intimacy
5. Noble idiot

Column I:
(Tropefest)

1. Time jump, usually for trips abroad
2. Trips to the beach
3. Random and wildly inaccurate equations on blackboard
4. Corridor crossings in slow motion
5. Roof-tops, usually fenced-in, against a hilly background: ideal for unrequited confessions
[Bonus point: Bangs for girls, bowlcut for boys, both to make 25 year old actors look like teenagers.]

Column N:
(Love Languages)

1. A wide-eyed "kiss" that reminds you of the girl from The Ring
2. Kabedon, because... door banging is sexy?
3. Free Space
4. Wound tending... preferably with an orange q-tip.
5. Standing in the rain, kissing in the rain, getting cold & fever from the rain... just a lot of rain.

Column G:
(Lines of dialogue)

1. “But we’re both men…”
2. “Kawaii!” or “Kakkoii!”
3. “Ikemen ne.”
4. “Hendayo!" (usually after the first non-kiss)
5. “Suki da.” “Eh?”

Column O:
(War of the Positions)

1. Seme: Nipple-revealing bleach-white shirt. Uke: Buttoned-up black coat.
2. Seme: No real friends. Uke: Really bad friends.
3. Seme: PTSD survivor. Uke: Florence Shitingayle
4. Seme: Rebel with(out) a cause. Uke: Mathlete.
5. Seme: Six feet, tops. Uke: Five feet under.

Verdict:
I'm afraid I have decided to drop the show. A lot of people whom I respect love it: so doubtless the fault is mine. At another time, or perhaps earlier in my BL journey, I might have gushed about it as a teenager would about his or her first love. But now, I see little in it beyond a story I have seen and heard a thousand times before, cobbled together from the same old tired tropes listed above. Which is not to say that it can't be told again, and told anew: the idea of a stuck-up nerd falling for the school bad boy is an inherently exciting premise. Yet here, it felt neither exciting nor subversive. What's more, the show suffers from an excess of JBL's worst tendencies -- and I say this as someone who loves all things Japanese -- such as a general joylessness of tone, a darkness of mood, an emphasis on suffering, and a disdain for levity or charm. (Charm! How rare it is in JBL and KBL!) Two men falling headlong in love -- even if they come from traumatic circumstances -- should feel exhilarating, not exhausting. But by Ep. 5, exhausted is all I felt.

Notes (written down before I quit):
1. Gang, it happened! At the end of Ep. 5, Bingo!!
2. "Infect me!" has to be the sexiest and most romantic thing anyone has ever said in a BL.
3. If my sampling of JBLs is correct, at least a third of all Japanese fathers must be in jail for child abuse.
4. I really wish they would stop casting idols in JBLs and KBLs. They can't all act, and evidently they have a problem with filming intimate scenes. I don't know about you all, but everytime they "kissed", I cringed. They barely opened their mouths, and it never felt natural.
5. "But we're both men." Really? In a show set in 2019? The writers should watch Smells Like Green Spirit.

This review is dedicated to jpny01, the final word and authority on all things BL.

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: Sweet Bird of Youth
DON'T SAY: The Young and the Restless

Read More

A Dictionary of Thai BLs

I have compiled a handy guide to (most) Thai BLs -- including this one. I hope it proves useful to both seasoned viewers and newcomers alike. For my verdict on the show itself, and how I've used this dictionary to guide my ratings, see below.

A: Accidents.
Come in many kinds, but the commonest is the fall-catch-kiss. Don’t try it at home, or you’ll end up in the A&E. Also used to kill off mothers in flashbacks.

B: Bisexuals.
Which every man is. And no woman is.

C: Couples.
Three is the standard. Two unusual. One rare. Go for four if you truly want to torture people. Quality of writing usually declines with, and for, each additional couple.
See Also: Love Triangles.

D: Drinking. Drunkenness.
A drop of alcohol is sufficient for the bottom to lose all inhibition, a glass of beer for the top. Both known to cause irreversible amnesia, particularly after professions of love or a night-time kiss.

E: Engineering. Engineers. Engineering Faculty.
The most acceptable setting for a Thai BL.
See also: Medicine, Medical School, Doctors.

F: Fake boyfriends.
Because, if there’s anything that’s going to get you out of a tough spot in this virulently homophobic world, it is pretending to have a gay lover.

G: Guitars.
Pathognomonic of bad BLs. The harbinger of all things abysmal. When you hear that first strum, run fast, run far.

H: Homophobia.
Generally absent, unless it can be (cynically) mined to manufacture a last-minute conflict. Where present, it's usually the father. It might be argued, however, that it is the BL genre itself that's ultimately homophobic, even Thai BL.
See also: “Don’t say Gay”, 11th Episode Curse.

I: Illness or indisposition.
Usually fever. Sometimes fainting. Often from a drop of rain or a glass of wine. Great occasion for piggy-back riding and dry towel baths.

J: Jest. Jokes. Jocularity.
Slapstick, often scatological. Growls of hunger mandatory. Throw in a few jokes at the expense of your effeminate (i.e., actually “gay”) and trans characters to show people how truly progressive you are.
See also: Homophobia, Transphobia

K: Kisses.
At least nominally present, unlike in KBL. Vary in range from fish-eye non-kisses to full on snog-fest. First kiss nearly always accidental. Common trends include underwater kissing & rooftop kisses.

L: Like. Love.
Used in such phrases as, “I am not gay. I just like you.”

M: Miscommunication and Misunderstanding.
The commonest and laziest way to manufacture a conflict. Usually involves accidentally hearing a half truth, and wilfully interpreting it against the other party.
See also: Forced Separation, Trips Abroad

N: Noble Idiot.
One of three acceptable ways to separate a couple. The idiot will run away from his love, in order to spare and save him, by making him, and us, suffer.
See also: Miscommunication & Misunderstanding, Homophobia.

O: Orphanhood.
A sure-fire way to coax sympathy. Achieved by death or abandonment. Mothers always die. Usually by accident or cancer. Fathers run away. Usually with another woman.
See also: Flashbacks.

P: Product placement.
An indispensable ingredient of East Asian BLs. Look out for rose milk, a make-up kit, or a carbonated drink.
See also: Subtlety (Lack of).

Q: Q-tips.
Essential to treat the whisper of a scrape, no more than the size of an ant, without which the submissive shall die of sepsis.

R: Reincarnation.
A way to bury your gays and have them too. Trades on cultural norms for acceptability. A premise that’s never put to good use.

S: Sexual Roles and Positions.
The difference between the dominant ("the top", "the seme") and the submissive ("the bottom", "the uke") must be maintained at all costs. The dominant shall be more aggressive, more violent, and the pursuer. The submissive shall be a shy maiden, who cannot be trusted to climb the stairs without falling down. The dynamic may be reinforced in many ways, most notably, age difference and height difference.

T: Towels. Towel baths. Hand Towels.
The occasion to reveal the perfectly sculpted and dehydrated body. Or to wipe out a food crumb from your lover’s mouth, possibly due to chronic shortage of napkins in Bangkok, or because our submissive has joined Riverdance and cannot use his arms.

U: Uniforms.
A bleached white shirt and a pair of blue or grey trousers. If at school, make the trousers short. If at university, add a grey jacket.

V: Varsities.
Basketball is unexpectedly the most popular. Followed by singing, since it always involves a national competition. Football & volleyball — sports that are actually popular in Thailand — are occasionally allowed.

W: Women.
Disposable. Usually limited to fujoshis and evil ex-girlfriends.
See also: Misogyny.

X: X-Rated (or NC) scenes.
More wishful thinking than reality. Usually involves one actor planking over another with minimal body contact. But, starved as we are, we’ll take it.

Y: Yikes!
Reserved for tropes that ought to be retired by now. You know what they are.
See also: A Therapist.

Z: Zzzzz… I’ve run out of ideas, okay? Much like Thai BLs.


Ratings:
— Story: Thai BLs have basically become an IKEA factory. We all know that. So, I wrote out this dictionary for fun, and thought to myself that, the more elements from it a show has, the less I'd rate it for story. Of course, tropes themselves are fine, and when done well, fun. Tropes can also be subverted and made original. But left to itself, a trope becomes a failing organ and threatens the unity of the whole organism.
— Casting: I give 5 for heat and chemistry, 5 for acting.
— Music: In Thai BL, if there's a guitar anywhere on the horizon, the rating instantly goes to 1. Otherwise, I tend to tune out most BL music.
— Rewatch Value: Less than 5, don't bother. 5 to 7.5, with generous skipping and skimming. Above 7.5, worth it.

Verdict:
Well, so far, I have counted almost every letter of the alphabet, from varsities and uniforms to fake boyfriends and nonsensical misunderstandings. Nothing about the show has taken me by surprise. In fact, I often felt as if I had gone to sleep and woken up in 2015.
The show is often undeniably charming. I won't deny that. Much of it must be due to the cast. Thomas and Kong aren't great actors, but they have chemistry, and of course, it helps that I wouldn't kick Tom out of my bed. That said, you cannot ignite a damp rag through sparks alone.
I don't know if I have the heart to continue this show: but, as it stands, I can predict how it'll end: a 11th-episode-crisis, most likely from a homophobic father. (Misunderstandings are already taken, you see.) Then, a reconciliation, and a happily ever after. If this is the case, please let me know, and I'll drop the show right now. I haven't the heart to see another show where homophobia is used as a mere plot device.
Update: Dropped.


Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: Fly the Friendly Skies
DON'T SAY: Skyfall

Read More

A Dictionary of Thai BLs

I have compiled a handy guide to (most) Thai BLs, which I hope will prove useful to both seasoned viewers and newcomers alike. I believe it contains everything you need to know about this show -- and, alas, many others. For more on my ratings, and my verdict on the show itself, see below.

A: Accidents.
Come in many kinds, but the commonest is the fall-catch-kiss. Don’t try it at home, or you’ll end up in the A&E. Also used to kill off mothers in flashbacks.

B: Bisexuals.
Which every man is. And no woman is.

C: Couples.
Three is the standard. Two unusual. One rare. Go for four if you truly want to torture people. Quality of writing usually declines with, and for, each additional couple.
See Also: Love Triangles.

D: Drinking. Drunkenness.
A drop of alcohol is sufficient for the bottom to lose all inhibition, a glass of beer for the top. Both known to cause irreversible amnesia, particularly after professions of love or a night-time kiss.

E: Engineering. Engineers. Engineering Faculty.
The most acceptable setting for a Thai BL.
See also: Medicine, Medical School, Doctors.

F: Fake boyfriends.
Because, if there’s anything that’s going to get you out of a tough spot in this virulently homophobic world, it is pretending to have a gay lover.

G: Guitars.
Pathognomonic of bad BLs. The harbinger of all things abysmal. When you hear that first strum, run fast, run far.

H: Homophobia.
Generally absent, unless it can be (cynically) mined to manufacture a last-minute conflict. Where present, it's usually the father. It might be argued, however, that it is the BL genre itself that's ultimately homophobic, even Thai BL.
See also: “Don’t say Gay”, 11th Episode Curse.

I: Illness or indisposition.
Usually fever. Sometimes fainting. Often from a drop of rain or a glass of wine. Great occasion for piggy-back riding and dry towel baths.

J: Jest. Jokes. Jocularity.
Slapstick, often scatological. Growls of hunger mandatory. Throw in a few jokes at the expense of your effeminate (i.e., actually “gay”) and trans characters to show people how truly progressive you are.
See also: Homophobia, Transphobia

K: Kisses.
At least nominally present, unlike in KBL. Vary in range from fish-eye non-kisses to full on snog-fest. First kiss nearly always accidental. Common trends include underwater kissing & rooftop kisses.

L: Like. Love.
Used in such phrases as, “I am not gay. I just like you.”

M: Miscommunication and Misunderstanding.
The commonest and laziest way to manufacture a conflict. Usually involves accidentally hearing a half truth, and wilfully interpreting it against the other party.
See also: Forced Separation, Trips Abroad

N: Noble Idiot.
One of three acceptable ways to separate a couple. The idiot will run away from his love, in order to spare and save him, by making him, and us, suffer.
See also: Miscommunication & Misunderstanding, Homophobia.

O: Orphanhood.
A sure-fire way to coax sympathy. Achieved by death or abandonment. Mothers always die. Usually by accident or cancer. Fathers run away. Usually with another woman.
See also: Flashbacks.

P: Product placement.
An indispensable ingredient of East Asian BLs. Look out for rose milk, a make-up kit, or a carbonated drink.
See also: Subtlety (Lack of).

Q: Q-tips.
Essential to treat the whisper of a scrape, no more than the size of an ant, without which the submissive shall die of sepsis.

R: Reincarnation.
A way to bury your gays and have them too. Trades on cultural norms for acceptability. A premise that’s never put to good use.

S: Sexual Roles and Positions.
The difference between the dominant ("the top", "the seme") and the submissive ("the bottom", "the uke") must be maintained at all costs. The dominant shall be more aggressive, more violent, and the pursuer. The submissive shall be a shy maiden, who cannot be trusted to climb the stairs without falling down. The dynamic may be reinforced in many ways, most notably, age difference and height difference.

T: Towels. Towel baths. Hand Towels.
The occasion to reveal the perfectly sculpted and dehydrated body. Or to wipe out a food crumb from your lover’s mouth, possibly due to chronic shortage of napkins in Bangkok, or because our submissive has joined Riverdance and cannot use his arms.

U: Uniforms.
A bleached white shirt and a pair of blue or grey trousers. If at school, make the trousers short. If at university, add a grey jacket.

V: Varsities.
Basketball is unexpectedly the most popular. Followed by singing, since it always involves a national competition. Football & volleyball — sports that are actually popular in Thailand — are occasionally allowed.

W: Women.
Disposable. Usually limited to fujoshis and evil ex-girlfriends.
See also: Misogyny.

X: X-Rated (or NC) scenes.
More wishful thinking than reality. Usually involves one actor planking over another with minimal body contact. But, starved as we are, we’ll take it.

Y: Yikes!
Reserved for tropes that ought to be retired by now. You know what they are.
See also: A Therapist.

Z: Zzzzz… I’ve run out of ideas, okay? Much like Thai BLs.


Ratings:
— Story: Thai BLs have basically become an IKEA factory. We all know that. So, I wrote out this dictionary for fun, and thought to myself that, the more elements from it a show has, the less I'd rate it for story. (Of course, tropes themselves are fine, and when done well, fun. Tropes can also be subverted and made original. But left to itself, a trope becomes a failing organ and threatens the unity of the whole organism.)
— Casting: 5 for heat, 5 for acting.
— Music: If there's a guitar anywhere on the horizon, the rating instantly goes to 1. Otherwise, I tend to tune out most BL music. If it really stands out, I'll give it 5 minimum.
— Rewatch Value: Less than 5, don't bother. 5 to 7.5, yes, with generous skipping and skimming. Above 7.5, worth it.

Verdict:
Hmmm. I gave the first two episodes a proper go for Pond's sake, because I fell in love with him in 180 Degrees. However, despite that delicious opening scene, the rest of his presence in this series has been a grave disappointment. My poor fellow just walks around gazing at Earth as if his eyes had been dipped in formaldehyde by a taxidermist. If only he'd gaze at earth instead of Earth, who, in turn, has been told that blinking his eyes and twisting his face like a ventriloquist's doll is the same as acting. He needs to fire his agent, and his directors. People have suggested that I stay for Bas and Ngern, and I'm told that there is at least one scene in which Pond is half-naked: maybe I'll just skip to those parts.
I will say, even I couldn't have predicted that an entire show could be concocted from a dictionary I wrote to merely amuse myself. Indeed, I often felt as if I had travelled back in time, because everything about this show feels more 2015 than 2025. Poor Ngern. The handsome fella deserves better. I'm fairly certain I shall drop this one. It is already dragging by Ep. 3, and there are still 14 episodes to go. FourTeen! Yes, that kind of sophisticated word-play in the title should have been our first clue.
Update: Dropped. Couldn't make it past the first 15 mins. of Ep. 4.

***
This review is dedicated to Tim, one of my first friends on MDL.

***
Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: Gays4ever
DON'T SAY: Takes4ever

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