Honglou Meng

A Dictionary of Thai BLs

I have compiled a handy guide to (most) Thai BLs, which I hope will prove useful to both seasoned viewers and newcomers alike. I believe it contains everything you need to know about this show. For more on my ratings, and my verdict on the show itself, see below.

A: Accidents.
Come in many kinds, but the commonest is the fall-catch-kiss. Don’t try it at home, or you’ll end up in the A&E. Also used to kill off mothers in flashbacks.

B: Bisexuals.
Which every man is. And no woman is.

C: Couples.
Three is the standard. Two unusual. One rare. Go for four if you truly want to torture people. Quality of writing usually declines with, and for, each additional couple.
See Also: Love Triangles.

D: Drinking. Drunkenness.
A drop of alcohol is sufficient for the bottom to lose all inhibition, a glass of beer for the top. Both known to cause irreversible amnesia, particularly after professions of love or a sleeping-beauty kiss.

E: Engineering. Engineers. Engineering Faculty.
The most acceptable setting for a Thai BL.
See also: Medical School.

F: Fake boyfriends.
Because, if there’s anything that’s going to get you out of a tough spot in this virulently homophobic world, it is pretending to have a gay lover.

G: Guitars.
Pathognomonic of bad BLs. The harbinger of all things abysmal. When you hear that first strum, run fast, run far.

H: Homophobia.
Generally absent, unless it can be (cynically) mined to manufacture a last-minute conflict. Where present, it's usually the father. It might be argued, however, that it is the BL genre itself that's ultimately homophobic, even Thai BL.
See also: “Don’t say Gay”, 11th Episode Curse.

I: Illness or indisposition.
Usually fever. Sometimes fainting. Often from a drop of rain or a glass of wine. Great occasion for piggy-back riding and sensual towel baths.

J: Jest. Jokes. Jocularity.
Slapstick, often scatological. Growls of hunger mandatory. Throw in a few jokes at the expense of your effeminate (i.e., actually “gay”) and trans characters to show people how truly progressive you are.
See also: Homophobia, Transphobia

K: Kisses.
At least nominally present, unlike in KBL. Vary in range from fish-eye non-kisses to full on snog-fest. First kiss nearly always accidental. Common trends include underwater kissing & rooftop kisses.

L: Like. Love.
Used in such phrases as, “I am not gay. I just like you.”

M: Miscommunication and Misunderstanding.
The commonest and laziest way to manufacture a conflict. Usually involves accidentally hearing a half truth, and wilfully interpreting it against the other party.
See also: Forced Separation, Trips Abroad

N: Noble Idiot.
One of three acceptable ways to separate a couple. The idiot will run away from his love, in order to spare and save him, by making him, and us, suffer.
See also: Miscommunication & Misunderstanding, Homophobia.

O: Orphanhood.
A sure-fire way to coax sympathy. Achieved by death or abandonment. Mothers always die. Usually by accident or cancer. Fathers run away. Usually with another woman.
See also: Flashbacks.

P: Product placement.
An indispensable ingredient of East Asian BLs. Look out for rose milk, a make-up kit, or a carbonated drink.
See also: Subtlety (Lack of).

Q: Q-tips.
Essential to treat the whisper of a scrape, no more than the size of an ant, without which the submissive shall die of sepsis.

R: Reincarnation.
A way to bury your gays and have them too. Trades on cultural norms for acceptability. A premise that’s never put to good use.

S: Sexual Roles and Positions.
The difference between the dominant ("the top", "the seme") and the submissive ("the bottom", "the uke") must be maintained at all costs. The dominant shall be more aggressive, more violent, and the pursuer. The submissive shall be a shy maiden, who cannot be trusted to climb the stairs without falling down. The dynamic may be reinforced in many ways.
See also: Age Difference, Height Difference.

T: Towels. Towel baths. Hand Towels.
The occasion to reveal the perfectly sculpted and dehydrated body. Or to wipe out a food crumb from your lover’s mouth, possibly due to chronic shortage of napkins in Bangkok, or because our submissive has joined Riverdance and cannot use his arms.

U: Uniforms.
A bleached white shirt and a pair of blue or grey trousers. If at school, make the trousers short. If at university, add a grey jacket.

V: Varsities.
Basketball is unexpectedly the most popular. Followed by singing, since it always involves a national competition. Football & volleyball — sports that are actually popular in Thailand — are occasionally allowed.

W: Women.
Disposable. Usually limited to fujoshis and evil ex-girlfriends.
See also: Misogyny.

X: X-Rated (or NC) scenes.
More wishful thinking than reality. Usually involves one actor planking over another with minimal body contact. But, starved as we are, we’ll take it.

Y: Yikes!
Reserved for tropes that ought to be retired by now. You know what they are.
See also: A Therapist.

Z: Zzzzz… I’ve run out of ideas, okay? Much like Thai BLs.


Ratings:
— Story: Thai BLs have basically become an IKEA factory. We all know that. So, I wrote out this dictionary for fun, and thought to myself that, the more a show borrows from it, the less marks I'd give it for storytelling. (Of course, tropes themselves are fine, and when done well, fun. Tropes can also be subverted and made original. But left to itself, a trope becomes a failing organ and threatens the unity of the whole organism.)
— Casting: 5 for heat, 5 for acting.
— Music: If there's a guitar anywhere on the horizon, the rating instantly goes to 1. Otherwise, I tend to tune out most BL music. If it really stands out, I'll give it 5 minimum.
— Rewatch Value: Less than 5, don't bother. 5 to 7.5, yes, with generous skipping and skimming. Above 7.5, worth it.
— Needless to say, this is all meant to be for good fun. Not to be taken seriously.

Initial Observations:
— First of all: 24 episodes? Jesus Christ!
— Engineering jackets!
— This is going to suck, I can tell.
— GMMTV needs a hostile takeover.
— 4 stars for cast, just for Perth. I'll add another star, because some of them can act.
— Lastly, I wrote out this dictionary as fun, and it is mainly intended to make people laugh. But even I couldn't have predicted what a formulaic trope-fest this would be. And I'm just on Ep. 2! The fact that this is the third time in as many months that I have used this dictionary, with no small predictable power, tells you how bad, scientifically, Thai BLs are at the moment. (Though ThamePo isn't half bad, and Gelboys gives me hope.)

Verdict:
I couldn't get past the third episode. So, I quit, and have marked this as such. However, a friend is making a Perth/Santa cut for me, so I might check that out, and update this review afterwards.

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: 4 x 6 = 24.
DON'T SAY: Four Horse-couples of the Apocalypse.

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