Honglou Meng

Ossan's Lost: A Dissent

The following is a FaceTime conversation between me and my friend Apichatpong, who prefers to go by Chat. We often watch BLs together.

CHAT: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
ME: So you gave it a go then?
CHAT: Yes.
ME: And?
CHAT: I threw my laptop out of the window.
ME: That would have been impressive if you didn’t live on the ground floor.
CHAT: Well, you know me. This laptop means more to me than my own mother.
ME: Okay, let's pivot. You sound upset, my dear.
CHAT: I’m livid. So livid, in fact, that I want to go home to Bangkok and shut down GMMTV.
ME: Do you want to get us murdered? People have been doxxed for less.
CHAT: I don’t care any more. There’s no meaning to life.
ME (laughing): It wasn’t that bad, come on.
CHAT: I suppose you've forgotten the original. But then, you also have no taste.
ME: I can see what sort of mood you’re in. What are you so miffed about?

CHAT: What is there to be happy about? This show is an absolute trainwreck, one that leaves mutilated corpses in its wake. Just... why??????? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
(CHAT opens the door to his garden dramatically and declaims.)
People of Thailand… Listen to me. Don’t let them get away with it. You are better than this. You are better than this abomination of a show.
ME (laughing): Melodramatic? You? Never!
CHAT (coming back in): Lou, you know how much I love the original. I resisted it for a long time, but I was so glad I watched it in the end. It was a wonderful (if uneven) show, genuinely funny, full of heart, and it had a huge impact on me. Hell, it had a huge impact in Japan. Haruko and Maki’s wedding was broadcast on the public squares of Shinjiku, and…
ME: Why are you talking to me as if you host a podcast with a weeb?
CHAT: At least it’s not a true crime podcast. But mate, this show... this show is the opposite. It is regressive, it is stupid, and it is not funny.
ME: Yes, you famously love your country's sense of humour.
CHAT: But I do! I watched all of RakDiao. Do I not deserve a fucking medal for that?
ME: You’re not making the compelling case you think you are.
CHAT: I don't care… I'm mad because this version takes everything that made the original tick, and jettisons it. And has left in its place a concoction that is at best bland, and at worst, tasteless.
ME: I know I shouldn't, but go on.
CHAT: Okay, TED Talk mode activated. (Clearing his throat.) The original worked because of three things. One, it is about an old man’s love. Hence the name. But the fact that he is old, or Haruta’s boss, is not the joke. Nor is his attractiveness. Unlike in this atrocity, Kurosawa is distinctly unattractive, something he is blissfully unaware of. The Japanese OL was all about what it means to start again, in middle age, as an Ossan, after being married to a woman for decades. Only this time he has to begin again with a man. Kurosawa was starting over twice, and he was clueless and hapless and hopeless at it. That’s what makes it funny, and poignant. But what do we have here? A very attractive older man, whose wife has already died: which removes all that inner conflict, and which leaves his character toothless by default. And a satire that has no bite can never be funny.
ME: Wait. Two points before you continue. One, a lot of people on MDL say that the last premise no longer works because Thailand has equal marriage…
CHAT: Oh bollocks. As if many, many older gay men in Britain and America are not still trapped in unhappy marriages or do not come out in their 50s. When did Phillip Schofield come out?
ME: True. But tell me this, why should the original OL should be the point of comparison here? After all, we adapt from books and plays, remake TV shows and films, all with little fidelity to the original, so why should you base your opinion now on the Japanese version?
CHAT: I don’t claim one *ought* to compare it to the original. I’m merely using the original as a point of departure to say why this version is insubstantial, or even awful, in a way that the original wasn't. And no, it does not come down to cultural differences either. It's not just a question of Thai humour being different. That's a lazy, and frankly objectionable, argument. You found Rak Diao funny, didn't you? Of what hindrance was “your” culture to its appreciation? To say something is enjoyable or not because of cultural relativism is as much an insult to your intelligence as it is to that culture on behalf of which these people purport to argue. Besides, your objection would be justified if I expected viewers to know the plot from the original. I don't. But comparing one adaptation with another is a legitimate enterprise — after all, one of the first questions many of us ask about an Austen adaptation is, does it do justice to the book? — because it enriches our understanding of a show, not detract from it.
ME: Hmmm. Go on. On to your second point.
CHAT: Yes. But before that, what I said about Ossan also applies to Haruta/Momo. Look at Earth. I know you don’t fancy him…
ME: Not with a bargepole.
CHAT: But I do. Most normal people do. He is very attractive. But Tanaka isn’t, you see. Not in the same sense. You do end up finding him attractive in the show, but he's not out there as a thirst trap from the get go.
ME: Well, at least they cast Mix, who is as unattractive as they get… You ought to be happy about that.
CHAT: I think I see a SWAT team outside your room. Anyway, what I’m even crosser about is how the women are portrayed in the show. In the original, the women were not mere fujoshis. They were not just there to scream ‘awww’ and ‘kawaiiiiiiii’. Nor were they the cock-blocking monsters we have come to expect in most BLs. No, they were fully realised characters. Kurosawa’s wife is allowed to grieve her marriage and find her own man, and Uchida and Haruta are given the chance to explore their feelings for each other… Half the humour and half the subversiveness of the original derived from its depiction of womanhood and female sexuality. And yes, the original *was* subversive. This one has all the subversiveness of a straight wedding on a crowded beach in Bali.
ME: But how do you know that the episodes to come in the Thai version won't have anything subversive, or a fuller exploration of its female characters?

CHAT: Mate? Be serious. The first three episodes are each an hour long. Guess how many minutes were devoted to the female characters in total? Less than 5.
ME: Ah.
CHAT: But worry not. Instead of giving the women their due, this version has more BL bloatware than anything you get with a Samsung phone. Including, in this instance, the appearance of First and Khaotung. With whom, for the record, I'm absolutely done.
ME: As am I with Earth and Mix. Sorry.
CHAT: I mean, I don’t disagree. I think both couples need to be retired and paired with other people for their own good.
ME: Yes! Thai BL really needs to stop with this whole tradition of pairing actors for life. They are not pink flamingos, you know.
CHAT: Which brings me to the third reason. The dynamics of the love triangle. In the original, you want to root for Maki, but, for all of Kurosawa’s flaws — and he is a deeply annoying, wonderfully flawed character — it is hard not to want him to be happy as well. The triangle held together because it was, if not equilateral, at least isosceles.
ME: Nerd.
CHAT: Said Prof. Pot to Prof. Kettle.
ME (laughing): Touché.
CHAT: But how can there be the space or scope for a true love triangle here, when there is already a pre-determined ship that has fixed the outcome in the viewer's mind, and when those of us who are tired of that coupling actively don’t want Earth to be Mix-ed.
ME: Yuck.
CHAT: Yup! Earth does do his best with his gesticulations, and Krit, having pedigree, has clearly studied the original. (For the record, I do like Krit.) But then, there’s Marble Face, who's proof positive that botulinum is as toxic to acting as it is to the face. And then throw in the wet blanket of a script. Which no amount of good acting can ignite.
ME: All fair enough. But to quote my nephew, “Why so salty, bruh?”
CHAT: Well, can I quote your own words?
ME: I wish you wouldn’t.
CHAT (imitating me): “Or, you know, just stop. The “market”, unlike colour in Japanese cinematography, is saturated enough as it is. We have the Thai BL meat factory releasing a bodice-ripper every other week, but at least there the actors know how to kiss. Taiwan releases a step-brother storyline once a month to titillate us, and KBL is ever at hand to give us the white-and-blue-jacket no-kiss-guaranteed school lunch once a season. We have enough to keep us going. If you have nothing original to offer, why bother?”
ME: I see your point.
CHAT: I’m angry, because it is just another product of the meat factory, as you call it. I’m angry, because it is an insult to the original. I’m angry, because all the things that were good about it are gone. I’m angry, because Thailand — even GMMTV, which is in desperate need of a hostile takeover — can do so much better. I'm angry, because time and energy and resources have been spent on this when there are better scripts and stories out there -- funnier, and richer, and livelier, and above all, about us -- that could have been told instead. Need I go on?
ME: No. Not least because it is very funny to me to see you so worked up about a BL. However, I’m absolutely certain that you have not endeared yourself to anyone on MDL. And I’m also certain that you’re going to bring me down with you. But then, I made a promise, and I have to keep it.
CHAT: Do. Can I just say one more thing?
ME: Yes.
CHAT: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
ME (laughing): By the by, I worked out what the name of your Thai BL ship would be!
CHAT: What's that?
ME: ChatBot.
CHAT: Oh, fuck off!

**
This review is dedicated to Maggi64, one of my first friends on this website.

***
Reader’s Digest:
DO SAY: Earth, Wind and Fire
DON’T SAY: Lost in Translation

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A Dictionary of Thai BLs

I have compiled a handy guide to (most) Thai BLs, which I hope will prove useful to both seasoned viewers and newcomers alike. I believe it contains everything you need to know about this show. For more on my ratings, and my verdict on the show itself, see below.

A: Accidents.
Come in many kinds, but the commonest is the fall-catch-kiss. Don’t try it at home, or you’ll end up in the A&E. Also used to kill off mothers in flashbacks.

B: Bisexuals.
Which every man is. And no woman is.

C: Couples.
Three is the standard. Two unusual. One rare. Go for four if you truly want to torture people. Quality of writing usually declines with, and for, each additional couple.
See Also: Love Triangles.

D: Drinking. Drunkenness.
A drop of alcohol is sufficient for the bottom to lose all inhibition, a glass of beer for the top. Both known to cause irreversible amnesia, particularly after professions of love or a sleeping-beauty kiss.

E: Engineering. Engineers. Engineering Faculty.
The most acceptable setting for a Thai BL.
See also: Medical School.

F: Fake boyfriends.
Because, if there’s anything that’s going to get you out of a tough spot in this virulently homophobic world, it is pretending to have a gay lover.

G: Guitars.
Pathognomonic of bad BLs. The harbinger of all things abysmal. When you hear that first strum, run fast, run far.

H: Homophobia.
Generally absent, unless it can be (cynically) mined to manufacture a last-minute conflict. Where present, it's usually the father. It might be argued, however, that it is the BL genre itself that's ultimately homophobic, even Thai BL.
See also: “Don’t say Gay”, 11th Episode Curse.

I: Illness or indisposition.
Usually fever. Sometimes fainting. Often from a drop of rain or a glass of wine. Great occasion for piggy-back riding and sensual towel baths.

J: Jest. Jokes. Jocularity.
Slapstick, often scatological. Growls of hunger mandatory. Throw in a few jokes at the expense of your effeminate (i.e., actually “gay”) and trans characters to show people how truly progressive you are.
See also: Homophobia, Transphobia

K: Kisses.
At least nominally present, unlike in KBL. Vary in range from fish-eye non-kisses to full on snog-fest. First kiss nearly always accidental. Common trends include underwater kissing & rooftop kisses.

L: Like. Love.
Used in such phrases as, “I am not gay. I just like you.”

M: Miscommunication and Misunderstanding.
The commonest and laziest way to manufacture a conflict. Usually involves accidentally hearing a half truth, and wilfully interpreting it against the other party.
See also: Forced Separation, Trips Abroad

N: Noble Idiot.
One of three acceptable ways to separate a couple. The idiot will run away from his love, in order to spare and save him, by making him, and us, suffer.
See also: Miscommunication & Misunderstanding, Homophobia.

O: Orphanhood.
A sure-fire way to coax sympathy. Achieved by death or abandonment. Mothers always die. Usually by accident or cancer. Fathers run away. Usually with another woman.
See also: Flashbacks.

P: Product placement.
An indispensable ingredient of East Asian BLs. Look out for rose milk, a make-up kit, or a carbonated drink.
See also: Subtlety (Lack of).

Q: Q-tips.
Essential to treat the whisper of a scrape, no more than the size of an ant, without which the submissive shall die of sepsis.

R: Reincarnation.
A way to bury your gays and have them too. Trades on cultural norms for acceptability. A premise that’s never put to good use.

S: Sexual Roles and Positions.
The difference between the dominant ("the top", "the seme") and the submissive ("the bottom", "the uke") must be maintained at all costs. The dominant shall be more aggressive, more violent, and the pursuer. The submissive shall be a shy maiden, who cannot be trusted to climb the stairs without falling down. The dynamic may be reinforced in many ways.
See also: Age Difference, Height Difference.

T: Towels. Towel baths. Hand Towels.
The occasion to reveal the perfectly sculpted and dehydrated body. Or to wipe out a food crumb from your lover’s mouth, possibly due to chronic shortage of napkins in Bangkok, or because our submissive has joined Riverdance and cannot use his arms.

U: Uniforms.
A bleached white shirt and a pair of blue or grey trousers. If at school, make the trousers short. If at university, add a grey jacket.

V: Varsities.
Basketball is unexpectedly the most popular. Followed by singing, since it always involves a national competition. Football & volleyball — sports that are actually popular in Thailand — are occasionally allowed.

W: Women.
Disposable. Usually limited to fujoshis and evil ex-girlfriends.
See also: Misogyny.

X: X-Rated (or NC) scenes.
More wishful thinking than reality. Usually involves one actor planking over another with minimal body contact. But, starved as we are, we’ll take it.

Y: Yikes!
Reserved for tropes that ought to be retired by now. You know what they are.
See also: A Therapist.

Z: Zzzzz… I’ve run out of ideas, okay? Much like Thai BLs.


Ratings:
— Story: Thai BLs have basically become an IKEA factory. We all know that. So, I wrote out this dictionary for fun, and thought to myself that, the more a show borrows from it, the less marks I'd give it for storytelling. (Of course, tropes themselves are fine, and when done well, fun. Tropes can also be subverted and made original. But left to itself, a trope becomes a failing organ and threatens the unity of the whole organism.)
— Casting: 5 for heat, 5 for acting.
— Music: If there's a guitar anywhere on the horizon, the rating instantly goes to 1. Otherwise, I tend to tune out most BL music. If it really stands out, I'll give it 5 minimum.
— Rewatch Value: Less than 5, don't bother. 5 to 7.5, yes, with generous skipping and skimming. Above 7.5, worth it.
— Needless to say, this is all meant to be for good fun. Not to be taken seriously.

Initial Observations:
— First of all: 24 episodes? Jesus Christ!
— Engineering jackets!
— This is going to suck, I can tell.
— GMMTV needs a hostile takeover.
— 4 stars for cast, just for Perth. I'll add another star, because some of them can act.
— Lastly, I wrote out this dictionary as fun, and it is mainly intended to make people laugh. But even I couldn't have predicted what a formulaic trope-fest this would be. And I'm just on Ep. 2! The fact that this is the third time in as many months that I have used this dictionary, with no small predictable power, tells you how bad, scientifically, Thai BLs are at the moment. (Though ThamePo isn't half bad, and Gelboys gives me hope.)

Verdict:
I couldn't get past the third episode. So, I quit, and have marked this as such. However, a friend is making a Perth/Santa cut for me, so I might check that out, and update this review afterwards.

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: 4 x 6 = 24.
DON'T SAY: Four Horse-couples of the Apocalypse.

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