Honglou Meng

This, I imagine, is what the first draft of the script for "A Perfect Match" looked like:

Scene 1.
[A wet dream.]
[Morning wood.]
[Lingering shots of Xiao Nan showering. Ummmm…. Aaaaaaaaabs.]
[Lather. Rinse. Repeat.]
[Product placement.]
[Dead parents.]
[Gran sad.]

Scene 2.
[Nan's late for an interview. Saves a girl.]
[Boss bad. Girl his sister.]
[Product placement.]
[Dead parents.]
[Gran sad.]

Scene 3.
Evil woman: Flirt with me. I’m the straight devil.
The Villain: I will, baby. Now fuck off, Nan, you perfect-bodied handsome god, you.
[Note to casting: Make sure the villain is the ugliest member of the cast.]
Xiao Nan mewls.
[Lingering shots of Xiao Nan (and the villain) showering. Ummmm…. Aaaaaaaaabs.]
[Lather. Rinse. Repeat.]

Scene 4.
[Xiao Nan and The Boss meet, get drunk, and talk about...]
[Dead parents.]
[Lingering shots of Xiao Nan showering. Ummmm…. Aaaaaaaaabs.]
[Lather. Rinse. Repeat.]
[Product placement.]
[More product placement.]
[Near kiss. Even more product placement.]
[The little girl is a brat.]
Director’s Note: All very well, but where’s the dialogue in this?

Scene 5.
[Introduce a supportive fujoshi.]
[Product placement.]
[Yes, this whole episode is for product placement. It's called multi-level marketing.]
[Lingering shots of Xiao Nan showering. Ummmm…. Aaaaaaaaabs.]
[Lather. Rinse. Repeat.]

Scene 6.
[Boss and Xiao Nan play tennis.]
[Both take their tops off, for no apparent reason.]
[Ummmm.... Aaaaaaaaabs…. Peeeeeeecs… Niiiipples....]
[Boss has an unexpectedly hot body.]
Xiao Nan's Thirst: That tattoo! Wreck me daddy… Destroy me king…
Xiao Nan: I think I might fall in love with you. So, I'm going to go.
Boss: I like you too, so I'm going to let you go.
[Brat sister screams.]
[The villain wants a second serving of Xiao Nan.]
Everyone: Who doesn’t?

Scene 7.
[Brat sister screams again.]
[Xiao Nan shows he can bitch-slap.]
[The villain wants a rematch with the boss. They play tennis. The boss wins. Obvs.]
[The hotties kiss. Finally.]
[Gran sees.]
[Gran sad.]
[Fujoshi consoles.]
[Product placement.]
Director’s Note: Seriously. Will there be any meaningful dialogue in this show?

Writers: Aaaaaaabs…olutely not.

Scene 8.
[Gran sad because boy loves boys.]
Gran: You a whore?
Xiao Nan: No....
[Cut to Xiao Nan, who's now having rampant, rambunctious sex with Boss.]
[Camera cuts back to Gran again, who’s suddenly happy, for no reason whatsoever.]
[Product placement.]
[Lingering shots of Xiao Nan showering. Ummmm…. Aaaaaaaaabs.]
[Lather. Rinse. Repeat.]

Scene 9.
[Tennis match. Someone wins.]
[The villain creates a conflict. Let’s see, he pretends to be injured so that the boss can be jealous?]
[Boss jealous.]
[Lingering shots of... ]
Writers: Wait. What the fuck? Where's the shower scene? What's going on?
Director's Note: I think we've had enough showering, don't you?
Writers: Aaaaaabs... so.. fucking... not!

Scene 10.
[The leads reconcile.]
[Xiao Nan becomes a wife and a cook.]
[The kid's still a brat.]
[Gran's a bit useless.]
[Beach trip. Shirtless frolicking. Ummmm... Aaaaaaaaabs.]
[Product placement.]
[They all live happily ever after... in a surprisingly tiny flat.]
Note from the Producers: What?!?!? That's it? The final scene is not of the boys showering together? After all this fluffing, you won't even finish us off?

Verdict:
This is one of the worst shows I have ever seen. I loved it.


Reader’s Digest:
DO SAY: sPectacular...
DON’T SAY: exPectorant...