7
2
1
This review may contain spoilers
The Ten Commandments of KBL
Here are the commandments that have been handed down to us by the gods of Korean BLs. They shall be the commandments by which any present and all future KBLs may be judged.
(For more on ratings and my thoughts on the show, see below.)
1. Thou shalt not kiss. Thou shalt not, in any meaningful sense of that word, "kiss". Thou mayst, however, press thy lips against another man’s as thou wouldst a leper’s.
2. Thou shalt not utter the word ‘gay’. For it is a sin. Thou mayst love another man, but if any man shall ask of thee if thou dost, thou mayst answer, “I like not men, I like only you.”
3. Thou shalt refrain from all carnal desires. For it is a sin. The submissive shall resist all attempts at intimacy, and the dominant may not pursue the submissive unless it is known that all his attempts shall prove fruitless. (Aptly mayst thou call this 'ironical'.)
4. Thou shalt respect the difference in height between the dominant and the submissive. Six inches will suffice, a foot too much, three inches too little. As below, so above.
5. Remember thou that there exist only three acceptable settings for a KBL. School, university, and office. For these do encompass all of life. Thou shalt invest thy characters in white jackets with blue borders if at school, leather jackets and hooded sweaters at university, and ill-fitted suits for work.
6. Remember thou that there exist only three acceptable plots for a KBL. Friends to lovers, enemies to lovers, and (adopted) brothers to lovers. Thou shalt entertain no other plots besides these.
7. Thou shalt employ no actor that is not thin, wanting of water, and starved for nutriments. The actors must have defined chests, six (or better yet, eight) pack abdominals, and flawless skin. Thou mayst coat the skin with three inches of wall paint to whitewash all flaws.
8. The writer shall inscribe in each tale at least one instance of timejump, forced separation or miscommunication. The unimaginative shall employ all three.
9. Thou shalt choose from among the following ornaments at least three to embellish thy tale: accidental fall and catch, gentle wiping of the lips (for there is a general want of raiment in our kingdom), gentle forehead kiss, gentle forehead pat, gentle lock-of-hair restoration, gentle fever (oftenest from a mere drop of rain), a gentle towel bath for that fever, gentle wound-tending, gentle somnolent confession, gentle amnesia (from a mere drop of wine) to wipe out the memory of that confession, and, forget not thou, the not-so-gentle eleventh hour crisis that shall precede the felicitously ever after.
10. Thou shalt by no means indicate homophobia in thy tale — in this, our most homophobic realm — unless it furthereth thy plot and our cynical purpose. Friends and family shall be universally supportive, unless it force a separation between thy characters. Remember thou always that this is a world of pandering fantasy, not reality.
Biblical Proportions (so far):
Commandments Broken: 1 (!!!).
Commandments Obeyed: 2, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.
Purpose:
* I wrote out these commandments as a review for another show, because, let's face it, KBL has basically become an IKEA assembly line, built out of the same few plots, not to mention drawing from the same pool of well-worn tropes. I tested the commandments with two other shows before, and their predictive power astonished even me. So, this is my tongue-in-cheek way of poking fun at KBLs, and drawing attention to those that are more original.
* My system is this: I’ll start with 5.5 throughout. For each commandment broken, I’ll add half a star to the story. (If the first two commandments are broken, I’ll add a whole extra star to the overall rating.) And for each commandment obeyed, I’ll deduct half a point from the story. If a commandment is obeyed, but in a subversive way, I’ll count it as broken.
* On how I rate the cast, I shall be unabashedly shallow. A hot cast automatically gets 5 stars. Shirtlessness gets an extra star. Decent acting adds another star or two. Nudity, or proper kissing, or any sign that the actors have no fear in portraying gay intimacy, will add a whole star to the total rating.
Ratings:
— Well, well, well... This is the first time I have seen both the first and third commands broken in KBL, and that too in the first half of the show. And one of the leads is an idol, no less! Is KBL finally getting past its Prudence Clearwater phase?
— Other than that, it has so far obeyed every commandment from 4 to 10, all of them in the first two episodes.
— The actors are all quite cute, and the leads have shown that they are not afraid of portraying gay intimacy, all of which earns them a rating of 6. I'm not convinced, however, that they are good actors. (But then, that requires a decent script.)
Further Impressions:
— This show is so stupid. Even by the first episode, it’s clear that Da On and Seong Hyeon are end-game. Seong Hyeon is such a ‘green flag’ he might as well be a leprechaun celebrating St Patrick’s Day in an Irish pub. He's also quite dull. Plus, it's always been always clear to me, from the cartoonish monstrosity of Su Hyeon, that he's not the real villain, that Jae Min is. And, of course, Da On is a hothouse flower throughout, who has no agency, and who just bends to the will and whim of everyone else.
— I'm sorry, but who writes these plotlines? In what universe does a "contract" of mutual restraint make sense? And in what universe is that a viable plan to keep a man by your side forever? And, and, and... in what universe will anyone agree to abide by that contract? I can't for the life of me imagine a gay man coming up with any of this, because we are far more likely to just fuck and be friends, or enter into a polyamorous arrangement, than contrive any of this Hallmark Channel/Lifetime Movie nonsense.
— No, seriously. Who comes up with these plotlines? JaeMin is supposed to be this manipulative mastermind, who was devious enough to come up with that meaningless "contract", yet, for 11 years, he stood next to Da On, and did nothing? 11 years? You waste a decade of your life on a relationship that is yet to be, that you desperately want, for which you will go to any sociopathic lengths, and yet, you sacrifice the best years of your life by being celibate and warding him off?
— Does Da On have a magic b***y or something? Why are three men into him? No, seriously, why? I see that he's cute, and is a shy maiden, which is of course a catnip for monsters in KDrama. But it's not as if there aren't others out there. Nevertheless, three men are devoting their lives to this wet blanket, scheming and pining and plotting and stabbing themselves... Does he wear a secret perfume called 'Pour Drapeaux Rouges'?
— As for the finale, let's just say, it was worthy of the best (or worst) KDrama by way of Mexican telenovelas, with some Bollywood melodrama thrown in for good measure. It was gloriously silly.
Verdict:
Well, it had everything: love quandrangles, passive bottoms, cartoon villains, self-harm, kidnapping, a near-homophobic 11th hour crisis, gay kisses (in KBL!), utterly ridiculous plotlines, and the most boring green-flag seme I can think of. If this is your thing, go for it!
Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: The key to an Open Relationship is honesty & communication.
DON'T SAY: The key to a Secret Relationship is mistrust & manipulation.
(For more on ratings and my thoughts on the show, see below.)
1. Thou shalt not kiss. Thou shalt not, in any meaningful sense of that word, "kiss". Thou mayst, however, press thy lips against another man’s as thou wouldst a leper’s.
2. Thou shalt not utter the word ‘gay’. For it is a sin. Thou mayst love another man, but if any man shall ask of thee if thou dost, thou mayst answer, “I like not men, I like only you.”
3. Thou shalt refrain from all carnal desires. For it is a sin. The submissive shall resist all attempts at intimacy, and the dominant may not pursue the submissive unless it is known that all his attempts shall prove fruitless. (Aptly mayst thou call this 'ironical'.)
4. Thou shalt respect the difference in height between the dominant and the submissive. Six inches will suffice, a foot too much, three inches too little. As below, so above.
5. Remember thou that there exist only three acceptable settings for a KBL. School, university, and office. For these do encompass all of life. Thou shalt invest thy characters in white jackets with blue borders if at school, leather jackets and hooded sweaters at university, and ill-fitted suits for work.
6. Remember thou that there exist only three acceptable plots for a KBL. Friends to lovers, enemies to lovers, and (adopted) brothers to lovers. Thou shalt entertain no other plots besides these.
7. Thou shalt employ no actor that is not thin, wanting of water, and starved for nutriments. The actors must have defined chests, six (or better yet, eight) pack abdominals, and flawless skin. Thou mayst coat the skin with three inches of wall paint to whitewash all flaws.
8. The writer shall inscribe in each tale at least one instance of timejump, forced separation or miscommunication. The unimaginative shall employ all three.
9. Thou shalt choose from among the following ornaments at least three to embellish thy tale: accidental fall and catch, gentle wiping of the lips (for there is a general want of raiment in our kingdom), gentle forehead kiss, gentle forehead pat, gentle lock-of-hair restoration, gentle fever (oftenest from a mere drop of rain), a gentle towel bath for that fever, gentle wound-tending, gentle somnolent confession, gentle amnesia (from a mere drop of wine) to wipe out the memory of that confession, and, forget not thou, the not-so-gentle eleventh hour crisis that shall precede the felicitously ever after.
10. Thou shalt by no means indicate homophobia in thy tale — in this, our most homophobic realm — unless it furthereth thy plot and our cynical purpose. Friends and family shall be universally supportive, unless it force a separation between thy characters. Remember thou always that this is a world of pandering fantasy, not reality.
Biblical Proportions (so far):
Commandments Broken: 1 (!!!).
Commandments Obeyed: 2, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.
Purpose:
* I wrote out these commandments as a review for another show, because, let's face it, KBL has basically become an IKEA assembly line, built out of the same few plots, not to mention drawing from the same pool of well-worn tropes. I tested the commandments with two other shows before, and their predictive power astonished even me. So, this is my tongue-in-cheek way of poking fun at KBLs, and drawing attention to those that are more original.
* My system is this: I’ll start with 5.5 throughout. For each commandment broken, I’ll add half a star to the story. (If the first two commandments are broken, I’ll add a whole extra star to the overall rating.) And for each commandment obeyed, I’ll deduct half a point from the story. If a commandment is obeyed, but in a subversive way, I’ll count it as broken.
* On how I rate the cast, I shall be unabashedly shallow. A hot cast automatically gets 5 stars. Shirtlessness gets an extra star. Decent acting adds another star or two. Nudity, or proper kissing, or any sign that the actors have no fear in portraying gay intimacy, will add a whole star to the total rating.
Ratings:
— Well, well, well... This is the first time I have seen both the first and third commands broken in KBL, and that too in the first half of the show. And one of the leads is an idol, no less! Is KBL finally getting past its Prudence Clearwater phase?
— Other than that, it has so far obeyed every commandment from 4 to 10, all of them in the first two episodes.
— The actors are all quite cute, and the leads have shown that they are not afraid of portraying gay intimacy, all of which earns them a rating of 6. I'm not convinced, however, that they are good actors. (But then, that requires a decent script.)
Further Impressions:
— This show is so stupid. Even by the first episode, it’s clear that Da On and Seong Hyeon are end-game. Seong Hyeon is such a ‘green flag’ he might as well be a leprechaun celebrating St Patrick’s Day in an Irish pub. He's also quite dull. Plus, it's always been always clear to me, from the cartoonish monstrosity of Su Hyeon, that he's not the real villain, that Jae Min is. And, of course, Da On is a hothouse flower throughout, who has no agency, and who just bends to the will and whim of everyone else.
— I'm sorry, but who writes these plotlines? In what universe does a "contract" of mutual restraint make sense? And in what universe is that a viable plan to keep a man by your side forever? And, and, and... in what universe will anyone agree to abide by that contract? I can't for the life of me imagine a gay man coming up with any of this, because we are far more likely to just fuck and be friends, or enter into a polyamorous arrangement, than contrive any of this Hallmark Channel/Lifetime Movie nonsense.
— No, seriously. Who comes up with these plotlines? JaeMin is supposed to be this manipulative mastermind, who was devious enough to come up with that meaningless "contract", yet, for 11 years, he stood next to Da On, and did nothing? 11 years? You waste a decade of your life on a relationship that is yet to be, that you desperately want, for which you will go to any sociopathic lengths, and yet, you sacrifice the best years of your life by being celibate and warding him off?
— Does Da On have a magic b***y or something? Why are three men into him? No, seriously, why? I see that he's cute, and is a shy maiden, which is of course a catnip for monsters in KDrama. But it's not as if there aren't others out there. Nevertheless, three men are devoting their lives to this wet blanket, scheming and pining and plotting and stabbing themselves... Does he wear a secret perfume called 'Pour Drapeaux Rouges'?
— As for the finale, let's just say, it was worthy of the best (or worst) KDrama by way of Mexican telenovelas, with some Bollywood melodrama thrown in for good measure. It was gloriously silly.
Verdict:
Well, it had everything: love quandrangles, passive bottoms, cartoon villains, self-harm, kidnapping, a near-homophobic 11th hour crisis, gay kisses (in KBL!), utterly ridiculous plotlines, and the most boring green-flag seme I can think of. If this is your thing, go for it!
Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: The key to an Open Relationship is honesty & communication.
DON'T SAY: The key to a Secret Relationship is mistrust & manipulation.
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