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This review may contain spoilers
The Porn Supremacy
It has become clear to me, from the very first scene, that the producers of this magnificent show must have hired someone from the gay porn industry as a consultant. This, I believe, is how their pre-production meetings went.
Day 1.
The Producer: Alright, everyone. The results are in, and the trends are clear. There is now a clear north-south divide in the BL audience. Those who seek chaste BLs of cute boys go to Korea or Japan. If they want spice… they come to us or go to Taiwan. Now, the greatness that is Mame showed us how low — I mean, how far — we can go. We now have to up our game. So, I have hired a consultant, Thunder Thighs, from the world of gay porn…
Writer 1: Oh god.
The Producer: …to help us improve our offering. Let’s give him a warm welcome.
Thunder (to thunderless applause): Cheers. Now, let’s get to work. Show me what you have.
Writer 1: I think we’ve covered all the basics. Two couples, potentially three; tall tops, short bottoms; rich tops, poor bottoms; boss tops, subordinate bottoms; slutty tops, virgin bottoms…
Thunder: Yeah, I get the idea. Are these dom tops?
Writer 2: One of them; the other is for chaste-chasers, or, if you will, chaters.
Writer 1: We also have the tried-and-tested office setting, women dotted around the periphery, time jump, accidental fall-and-catch, ten-percent body fat…
Thunder: Good, good. Any (openly) gay guys in it?
Writer 1: Only one. But don’t worry, he is a stereotype and will have neither personality nor boyfriends.
Thunder: Good. Nothing is more off-putting in gay porn than having gay men in it. What about the other guys? Are they “straight”?
Writer 2: Well, technically, they would be bisexuals.
Writer 1: But we don’t acknowledge them. Or use that word.
Thunder: Promising. Promising.
Writer 2: Do you want to hear the story?
Thunder: Oh, no one cares about that. People just fast forward to get to the good stuff.
The Producer (puzzled): Why then have it in the first place?
Thunder: To give the illusion of reality, of course. You have to be able to *believe* that there is a world in which you can “pay the pizza guy back” by servicing him, or that you can “convert” a “straight” guy gay…
Writer 1: Ah, so this is another form of “conversion therapy”?
The Producer: You’re fired.
Day 2.
Writer: So, this is how the story begins. An inexperienced youth is initiated into the rites of gay romance by a brash senior. Time pulls them apart. But then, a few years later, they end up working at the same office, and…
Thunder: How does the initiation happen?
Writer: What? Oh. Well, we thought that they could spot each other across a Buddhist temple, know that they were meant for each other, bump into each other -- literally -- the top will then catch the bottom...
Thunder: What the fuck is this? The Hallmark Channel? This won’t work. Here’s how you do it. The old’un’s the top, yeah? Have him wank off secretly in a public place…
Writer: Secretly… in a public place?
Thunder: Yes. Then have the bottom catch him in the act, by hiding clearly where the top can see him.
Writers: Hiding, where he can be seen?
Thunder: Yes. Then the top catches him watching, pulls him in, and says, ‘You’re so hard! Come, I’ll give you a hand shandy and make you come." He'll go: "But I thought you were straight?" Wait… can the top be his stepbrother?
Writer: No!
The Producer (at the same time): Yes!
Thunder: Never mind. You’ve seen gay porn, right? You know what comes next. One of them says: “Have you ever done this before?” The other guy says: “no”. Then, "Do you want to try?" Then, "Sure." Now, you must avoid kissing if possible, yeah? Kissing is “gay”. But if they must kiss, have the top say: “Can I kiss while I wank you off? It’ll be hotter.” The bottom says: “What if we get caught?” The top goes: “We won’t…”
Writers: You want us to put all of this in the first episode?
Thunder: Are you kidding? This is the first scene!
Day 3.
Writer 1: Should we talk about the other couples?
(Writer 2: Welcome back.)
Thunder: There’s more?
Writer 1: Yes, one more gay couple and one lesbian couple.
Thunder: What’s the deal with the other gay couple?
Writer 1: Well, we were going to have them as a sweet, romantic alternative to the spiciness of the first.
The Producer: We have to cater to the non-horny people, Mr Thighs. Otherwise, they’ll all go to Korea.
Thunder (looking at the cast photos and finding Yoon): Wait… Isn’t this the guy from Unforgotten Night? You’re telling me we’re not going to have him romp around with his chump in the office?
Writer 2: His Champ. And no, we are not.
Thunder: What’s wrong with you people? Have him take his kit off and bring back his back tattoo… Have Champ ravenclaw at it while he’s beneath his boss, like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, and I guarantee you…
The Producer (getting up): Perhaps might be a good time for a break.
Writer 1: Wait, what about the lesbian couple? (To the Producer): Are we allowed to say “lesbian” in Thai BL/GL?
The Producer: No.
Thunder: Sorry, I’ve nothing to contribute to that. If you want to fetishise or demean lesbians, go to straight men.
Day 4.
Writers (walking into the room and slamming the table): What the fuck are you doing to our script?
Thunder: There was a script?
The Producer: Let’s all calm down.
Writer 2: Why have you butchered half the scenes? And why does each episode read like a sex-ed class from a gay porn star?
Thunder: Because, darling, it is. What else have I got to work with?
Writer 1: Plot? Characterisation? Dialogue?
Writer 2: There *is* a story here, can't you see? Jun is the only one with integrity. Sorn is lying to himself and to Jun. But as the story moves along, their roles will reverse. Sorn's girlfriend...
Thunder: Boring.
Writer 1 (to the Producer): You hear that? That’s the nail in my coffin.
Day 5.
Thunder: Alright, where are we so far? We’ve had the handshake, the kiss, the steam, and the straddle. We now have to do the… Wait... Wait a sodding minute. (Thumbing through the whole script.) This thing has 12 episodes? How the fuck are you going to drag it out that long?
Writer 1: Oh, don’t worry about that. We have it refined down to a fine art.
Thunder: How’s that?
Writer 2: We'll start with some denial. That long river in Africa. We'll then introduce an unlikeable girlfriend for the top, and a gentle love interest for the bottom. We'll make them all jealous. Then, we'll use the two most powerful weapons in our arsenal...
Thunder: Which are?
Writer 2: Misunderstanding and miscommunication. Believe me, you can mine these two babies to keep the plot turning for at least 6-8 episodes.
Writer 1: Ten, if you’re a professional.
Writer 2: Yes, people may hate it. But they'll still watch it.
Thunder: And the other four?
Writer 2: That’s where the side couples come in.
Thunder: So, what you’re telling me is that this time, you don’t even have enough for 8 episodes that you had to bring me in.
The Producer: That is correct. So, what’s next?
Thunder: How bold do you wanna be?
The Producer: I mean, we opened the first episode with a handjob…
Thunder: Then how about we open the fourth with flatiron?
Writer 2: Flatiron? What's that?
Thunder: Google it.
Day 6.
The Producer: So, we're all in agreement? We’ll keep Thai and Chump — I mean Champ — for the BL traditionalists: chaste, soft, gentle, and with flags so green that all of Ireland would be offended…
Writers: Fine.
The Producer: Now, as for Sorn and Jun…
Thunder: You’d better let them breed like rabbits if you want the people hooked. You've got to put the Dom back in Condom and the Ass back in passive.
Writer 1: Oh, does that mean we’re allowed to show some realistic elements of safe gay sex on screen? Condoms, lubes, preparations?
Thunder: Douchebag.
Writer 2: A douche too?
Thunder: Very funny. But people don’t wanna see all that mess, yeah? They just want a clean shot. Geddit?
Writer 1: I'll add that to my list of reasons to die.
Writer 2: So what's next? What do we do with Sorn and Porn? I mean, Jun?
Thunder: Well, you've vetoed 'stepbrothers'. We’ve already done 'straight-to-gay'. So, I guess the next big thing would be ‘roommate' porn, and almost ‘getting caught’. Run with those.
Writer 2: What? Right in front of my salad?
Day 7.
Script Editor: I quit. There is no meaning to life anymore.
(Storms out of the room.)
Thunder: What’s her problem?
Writer 1: Let’s see, you got so bored with Chai — Champ and Thai, that is — that their storyline's now as bland as camomile broth. Penny breaks up with Porn in a scene so amicable that Gwyneth Paltrow would look at it and say, ‘that’s bullshit’. And then, all of a sudden, Penny is just ready to scissor Jun in the middle of the office…
Thunder: Oh please, as if you BL writers were ever interested in the romantic life of lesbians.
The Producer: I mean, that's fair.
Writer 2: But you’ve butchered the script so much that nothing makes sense anymore.
Thunder: Coming from you, that's a compliment. You loved the nipple play though, right?
Writer 1: Yes, the dialogue was scintillating. “Don’t mess with my nipple.” “But it’s so tiny and cute.”
Thunder: And what about the banana bit? I wanted him to go down on it...
The Producer: Nope. That's where I draw the line.
Writer 2: I can’t believe I’m about to say this: but the writing is better in porn.
Thunder: My work here is done.
Day 8.
Writer 1: What next?
Thunder: Cottaging.
Writer 2 (to the Producer): How far are we willing to push it?
Thunder: Swallowing, if you want to be demure. Cum shot, if you want to be bold.
Writer 2: Jesus Christ.
The Producer: Meanwhile, please welcome our new addition to the team... Chad.
Mr Thighs: He’s straight, isn’t he?
The Producer: Yes. I’ve brought him in to advise us on the GL scenes.
Thunder: You do realise I was joking last week, right?
The Producer: So?
Thunder: Alright, that’s my cue to leave.
Writer 1: And mine.
Writer 2: And mine.
To be continued…
Day 1.
The Producer: Alright, everyone. The results are in, and the trends are clear. There is now a clear north-south divide in the BL audience. Those who seek chaste BLs of cute boys go to Korea or Japan. If they want spice… they come to us or go to Taiwan. Now, the greatness that is Mame showed us how low — I mean, how far — we can go. We now have to up our game. So, I have hired a consultant, Thunder Thighs, from the world of gay porn…
Writer 1: Oh god.
The Producer: …to help us improve our offering. Let’s give him a warm welcome.
Thunder (to thunderless applause): Cheers. Now, let’s get to work. Show me what you have.
Writer 1: I think we’ve covered all the basics. Two couples, potentially three; tall tops, short bottoms; rich tops, poor bottoms; boss tops, subordinate bottoms; slutty tops, virgin bottoms…
Thunder: Yeah, I get the idea. Are these dom tops?
Writer 2: One of them; the other is for chaste-chasers, or, if you will, chaters.
Writer 1: We also have the tried-and-tested office setting, women dotted around the periphery, time jump, accidental fall-and-catch, ten-percent body fat…
Thunder: Good, good. Any (openly) gay guys in it?
Writer 1: Only one. But don’t worry, he is a stereotype and will have neither personality nor boyfriends.
Thunder: Good. Nothing is more off-putting in gay porn than having gay men in it. What about the other guys? Are they “straight”?
Writer 2: Well, technically, they would be bisexuals.
Writer 1: But we don’t acknowledge them. Or use that word.
Thunder: Promising. Promising.
Writer 2: Do you want to hear the story?
Thunder: Oh, no one cares about that. People just fast forward to get to the good stuff.
The Producer (puzzled): Why then have it in the first place?
Thunder: To give the illusion of reality, of course. You have to be able to *believe* that there is a world in which you can “pay the pizza guy back” by servicing him, or that you can “convert” a “straight” guy gay…
Writer 1: Ah, so this is another form of “conversion therapy”?
The Producer: You’re fired.
Day 2.
Writer: So, this is how the story begins. An inexperienced youth is initiated into the rites of gay romance by a brash senior. Time pulls them apart. But then, a few years later, they end up working at the same office, and…
Thunder: How does the initiation happen?
Writer: What? Oh. Well, we thought that they could spot each other across a Buddhist temple, know that they were meant for each other, bump into each other -- literally -- the top will then catch the bottom...
Thunder: What the fuck is this? The Hallmark Channel? This won’t work. Here’s how you do it. The old’un’s the top, yeah? Have him wank off secretly in a public place…
Writer: Secretly… in a public place?
Thunder: Yes. Then have the bottom catch him in the act, by hiding clearly where the top can see him.
Writers: Hiding, where he can be seen?
Thunder: Yes. Then the top catches him watching, pulls him in, and says, ‘You’re so hard! Come, I’ll give you a hand shandy and make you come." He'll go: "But I thought you were straight?" Wait… can the top be his stepbrother?
Writer: No!
The Producer (at the same time): Yes!
Thunder: Never mind. You’ve seen gay porn, right? You know what comes next. One of them says: “Have you ever done this before?” The other guy says: “no”. Then, "Do you want to try?" Then, "Sure." Now, you must avoid kissing if possible, yeah? Kissing is “gay”. But if they must kiss, have the top say: “Can I kiss while I wank you off? It’ll be hotter.” The bottom says: “What if we get caught?” The top goes: “We won’t…”
Writers: You want us to put all of this in the first episode?
Thunder: Are you kidding? This is the first scene!
Day 3.
Writer 1: Should we talk about the other couples?
(Writer 2: Welcome back.)
Thunder: There’s more?
Writer 1: Yes, one more gay couple and one lesbian couple.
Thunder: What’s the deal with the other gay couple?
Writer 1: Well, we were going to have them as a sweet, romantic alternative to the spiciness of the first.
The Producer: We have to cater to the non-horny people, Mr Thighs. Otherwise, they’ll all go to Korea.
Thunder (looking at the cast photos and finding Yoon): Wait… Isn’t this the guy from Unforgotten Night? You’re telling me we’re not going to have him romp around with his chump in the office?
Writer 2: His Champ. And no, we are not.
Thunder: What’s wrong with you people? Have him take his kit off and bring back his back tattoo… Have Champ ravenclaw at it while he’s beneath his boss, like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, and I guarantee you…
The Producer (getting up): Perhaps might be a good time for a break.
Writer 1: Wait, what about the lesbian couple? (To the Producer): Are we allowed to say “lesbian” in Thai BL/GL?
The Producer: No.
Thunder: Sorry, I’ve nothing to contribute to that. If you want to fetishise or demean lesbians, go to straight men.
Day 4.
Writers (walking into the room and slamming the table): What the fuck are you doing to our script?
Thunder: There was a script?
The Producer: Let’s all calm down.
Writer 2: Why have you butchered half the scenes? And why does each episode read like a sex-ed class from a gay porn star?
Thunder: Because, darling, it is. What else have I got to work with?
Writer 1: Plot? Characterisation? Dialogue?
Writer 2: There *is* a story here, can't you see? Jun is the only one with integrity. Sorn is lying to himself and to Jun. But as the story moves along, their roles will reverse. Sorn's girlfriend...
Thunder: Boring.
Writer 1 (to the Producer): You hear that? That’s the nail in my coffin.
Day 5.
Thunder: Alright, where are we so far? We’ve had the handshake, the kiss, the steam, and the straddle. We now have to do the… Wait... Wait a sodding minute. (Thumbing through the whole script.) This thing has 12 episodes? How the fuck are you going to drag it out that long?
Writer 1: Oh, don’t worry about that. We have it refined down to a fine art.
Thunder: How’s that?
Writer 2: We'll start with some denial. That long river in Africa. We'll then introduce an unlikeable girlfriend for the top, and a gentle love interest for the bottom. We'll make them all jealous. Then, we'll use the two most powerful weapons in our arsenal...
Thunder: Which are?
Writer 2: Misunderstanding and miscommunication. Believe me, you can mine these two babies to keep the plot turning for at least 6-8 episodes.
Writer 1: Ten, if you’re a professional.
Writer 2: Yes, people may hate it. But they'll still watch it.
Thunder: And the other four?
Writer 2: That’s where the side couples come in.
Thunder: So, what you’re telling me is that this time, you don’t even have enough for 8 episodes that you had to bring me in.
The Producer: That is correct. So, what’s next?
Thunder: How bold do you wanna be?
The Producer: I mean, we opened the first episode with a handjob…
Thunder: Then how about we open the fourth with flatiron?
Writer 2: Flatiron? What's that?
Thunder: Google it.
Day 6.
The Producer: So, we're all in agreement? We’ll keep Thai and Chump — I mean Champ — for the BL traditionalists: chaste, soft, gentle, and with flags so green that all of Ireland would be offended…
Writers: Fine.
The Producer: Now, as for Sorn and Jun…
Thunder: You’d better let them breed like rabbits if you want the people hooked. You've got to put the Dom back in Condom and the Ass back in passive.
Writer 1: Oh, does that mean we’re allowed to show some realistic elements of safe gay sex on screen? Condoms, lubes, preparations?
Thunder: Douchebag.
Writer 2: A douche too?
Thunder: Very funny. But people don’t wanna see all that mess, yeah? They just want a clean shot. Geddit?
Writer 1: I'll add that to my list of reasons to die.
Writer 2: So what's next? What do we do with Sorn and Porn? I mean, Jun?
Thunder: Well, you've vetoed 'stepbrothers'. We’ve already done 'straight-to-gay'. So, I guess the next big thing would be ‘roommate' porn, and almost ‘getting caught’. Run with those.
Writer 2: What? Right in front of my salad?
Day 7.
Script Editor: I quit. There is no meaning to life anymore.
(Storms out of the room.)
Thunder: What’s her problem?
Writer 1: Let’s see, you got so bored with Chai — Champ and Thai, that is — that their storyline's now as bland as camomile broth. Penny breaks up with Porn in a scene so amicable that Gwyneth Paltrow would look at it and say, ‘that’s bullshit’. And then, all of a sudden, Penny is just ready to scissor Jun in the middle of the office…
Thunder: Oh please, as if you BL writers were ever interested in the romantic life of lesbians.
The Producer: I mean, that's fair.
Writer 2: But you’ve butchered the script so much that nothing makes sense anymore.
Thunder: Coming from you, that's a compliment. You loved the nipple play though, right?
Writer 1: Yes, the dialogue was scintillating. “Don’t mess with my nipple.” “But it’s so tiny and cute.”
Thunder: And what about the banana bit? I wanted him to go down on it...
The Producer: Nope. That's where I draw the line.
Writer 2: I can’t believe I’m about to say this: but the writing is better in porn.
Thunder: My work here is done.
Day 8.
Writer 1: What next?
Thunder: Cottaging.
Writer 2 (to the Producer): How far are we willing to push it?
Thunder: Swallowing, if you want to be demure. Cum shot, if you want to be bold.
Writer 2: Jesus Christ.
The Producer: Meanwhile, please welcome our new addition to the team... Chad.
Mr Thighs: He’s straight, isn’t he?
The Producer: Yes. I’ve brought him in to advise us on the GL scenes.
Thunder: You do realise I was joking last week, right?
The Producer: So?
Thunder: Alright, that’s my cue to leave.
Writer 1: And mine.
Writer 2: And mine.
To be continued…
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