That bag is either:A) Mark’s sadboy Etsy order after binge-watching Twilight and listening to Hozier on loop,…
How Great Thou Art… From the Back When Mark lays pipe with holy might, And Tong doth arch like blessed art I fall upon my knees (again) To praise that sacred vampire part.
Amazing drip, how sweet the slide, Delivered me to thirst divine— I came, I wept, I saw the light, All thanks to Mark’s unholy spine.
That bag is either:A) Mark’s sadboy Etsy order after binge-watching Twilight and listening to Hozier on loop,…
Lustians 6:9 Let us not grow weary in thirsting, for in due time, Daddy Mark shall reap that which he hath sown… preferably with his shirt off and sweat glistening like the Holy Spirit at a pride parade.
And lo, Tong cried out, “I am but a vessel!” To which Mark replied, “Then let me fill thee.”
That bag is either:A) Mark’s sadboy Etsy order after binge-watching Twilight and listening to Hozier on loop,…
Follow-up scripture?
Second Lube-mentations 3:16 “When the flesh is weak, and the pants are tighter than morality allows, lo—Daddy Mark shall part the thighs like the Red Sea and enter unto thee with great… plot development.”
And the people cried: “Garlic Butter, Garlic Butter!” For it was slippery, sacred, and consensually safe.
That bag is either:A) Mark’s sadboy Etsy order after binge-watching Twilight and listening to Hozier on loop,…
Thirstalonians 4:20 Verily, he rose at midnight and whispered, “Take, eat—this is my body, marinated in garlic butter and sinful thoughts.” Let not thy loins be troubled, for the Lord thy Dom is firm, thick, and emotionally unavailable.
And Auntie Wan sayeth: “Deliver us not from temptation, but directly into the backseat of a tinted car with bad decisions and low-rise jeans.”
Yay, though thou thirst, thou shalt be quenched. In drizzle we trust.
That bag is either:A) Mark’s sadboy Etsy order after binge-watching Twilight and listening to Hozier on loop,…
Book of Drizzle, Chapter 3, Verse 69: And lo, Tong did say unto Mark, “Take of me, for I am the snack and the sacrifice.” And Mark did taste, and saw that it was good— Sticky, but good.
Thou shalt not covet thy vampire’s boyfriend, Unless he’s shirtless, brooding, and smells like moral conflict. Auntie Wan saith unto the thirsty: “Be fruitful and multiply… the tension.”
Blessed are the blue-balled, for they shall inherit the aftercare. And on the seventh day, they did not rest— For the bed was small, the sweat was plentiful, and the lube was preordained.
In the name of the Bite, the Body, and the Holy Bottom. Slaymen.
That bag is either:A) Mark’s sadboy Etsy order after binge-watching Twilight and listening to Hozier on loop,…
Step 21: Auntie books a “wellness retreat” that’s actually just Call Me By Your Name meets a locked cabin challenge—one bed, no signal, and SZA playing on loop.
Step 22: She “accidentally” leaves out a Blu-ray labeled “Twilight: Extended BDSM Universe.” Mark watches five seconds and whispers, “I am not strong enough.” Tong? Full-blown Netflix and dissociate.
Step 23: Dinner looks like the produce aisle had a threesome with Magic Mike Live: peaches, asparagus, and a sausage so long it needs its own zip code. “Pony” hits the speaker. Auntie just says, “Eat up, boys.”
He doesn’t speak English. He weaponizes it.He’s giving:“I may murder you, but I’ll do it shirtless and…
LOUBUG, STOP—I just SNORTED.
If Mark so much as breathes “What in the Nicholas Sparks movie is this shit…” Tong’s knees = gone. Auntie Wan = victorious. My hydration levels = catastrophic.
At that point, it’s not even a BL anymore—it’s a cinematic universe of thirst and poetic nonsense on branded merchandise. Playboyy walked so MarkTong could emotionally combust in HD.
That bag is either:A) Mark’s sadboy Etsy order after binge-watching Twilight and listening to Hozier on loop,…
Step 13: Mark suddenly “gets injured” (read: Auntie casually kicked a table into his shins) and now Tong must lovingly tend to his wound… shirtless… with trembling hands… Bonus: bandages mysteriously scented like rose petals and longing.
Step 14: Auntie “forgets” she double-booked the apartment, so now there’s one towel, one toothbrush, and one dangerously low-cut silk robe that definitely wasn’t there before. And oh no—the power’s out. Guess they’ll just have to huddle… for warmth.
23 
35 
2 
2 
3 
2 
2 
1 
2 
12 
When Mark lays pipe with holy might,
And Tong doth arch like blessed art
I fall upon my knees (again)
To praise that sacred vampire part.
Amazing drip, how sweet the slide,
Delivered me to thirst divine—
I came, I wept, I saw the light,
All thanks to Mark’s unholy spine.
Let us not grow weary in thirsting, for in due time, Daddy Mark shall reap that which he hath sown… preferably with his shirt off and sweat glistening like the Holy Spirit at a pride parade.
And lo, Tong cried out, “I am but a vessel!”
To which Mark replied, “Then let me fill thee.”
Spankmen.
Honestly?
Auntie Wan is proud. Mark is trembling. Tong is leaking.
And the fandom?
We’ve ascended.
Second Lube-mentations 3:16
“When the flesh is weak, and the pants are tighter than morality allows, lo—Daddy Mark shall part the thighs like the Red Sea and enter unto thee with great… plot development.”
And the people cried:
“Garlic Butter, Garlic Butter!”
For it was slippery, sacred, and consensually safe.
Cockrinthians 10:13 needs to be embroidered on a throw pillow and placed on Auntie Wan’s floral sofa immediately.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned… and simped.
Verily, he rose at midnight and whispered, “Take, eat—this is my body, marinated in garlic butter and sinful thoughts.”
Let not thy loins be troubled, for the Lord thy Dom is firm, thick, and emotionally unavailable.
And Auntie Wan sayeth: “Deliver us not from temptation, but directly into the backseat of a tinted car with bad decisions and low-rise jeans.”
Yay, though thou thirst, thou shalt be quenched.
In drizzle we trust.
Spankmen.
And lo, Tong did say unto Mark, “Take of me, for I am the snack and the sacrifice.”
And Mark did taste, and saw that it was good—
Sticky, but good.
Thou shalt not covet thy vampire’s boyfriend,
Unless he’s shirtless, brooding, and smells like moral conflict.
Auntie Wan saith unto the thirsty: “Be fruitful and multiply… the tension.”
Blessed are the blue-balled, for they shall inherit the aftercare.
And on the seventh day, they did not rest—
For the bed was small, the sweat was plentiful, and the lube was preordained.
In the name of the Bite, the Body, and the Holy Bottom.
Slaymen.
Because if the congregation’s kneeling and mouths are open, I fear we’ve left Mass and entered MarkTong’s Golden Hour: Deluxe Wet Edition.
Holy water? No babe— that’s Tong’s divine drizzle.
Amen and… hydrate.
“Give me Euphoria lighting with Brokeback tension—don’t be shy, touch something.”
She brought the rosé, the ring light, and no morals.
Step 22: She “accidentally” leaves out a Blu-ray labeled “Twilight: Extended BDSM Universe.”
Mark watches five seconds and whispers, “I am not strong enough.”
Tong? Full-blown Netflix and dissociate.
Step 23: Dinner looks like the produce aisle had a threesome with Magic Mike Live: peaches, asparagus, and a sausage so long it needs its own zip code.
“Pony” hits the speaker.
Auntie just says, “Eat up, boys.”
You didn’t just win. You achieved full Auntie Wan level manipulation.
Step 18: “Trust exercise”—blindfolds, locked door, The Weeknd playing.
Auntie: “You’re welcome.”
If Mark so much as breathes “What in the Nicholas Sparks movie is this shit…”
Tong’s knees = gone. Auntie Wan = victorious. My hydration levels = catastrophic.
At that point, it’s not even a BL anymore—it’s a cinematic universe of thirst and poetic nonsense on branded merchandise.
Playboyy walked so MarkTong could emotionally combust in HD.
Bonus: bandages mysteriously scented like rose petals and longing.
Step 14: Auntie “forgets” she double-booked the apartment, so now there’s one towel, one toothbrush, and one dangerously low-cut silk robe that definitely wasn’t there before.
And oh no—the power’s out. Guess they’ll just have to huddle… for warmth.
Step 11: “Accidentally” lock them in a room with one bed and no blood bags.