
dora:
Congratulations on figuring out who you are. It is hard to do when you don’t fit the typical boxes. Have BLs helped you understand yourself?
Not really. BL is nice, but it probably didn't play much of a role in my realization.
Thing is, I've been severely mentally ill (paranoid schizophrenia) since 2019. This occupied most of my time. Before that and up until last year I was repressing all this due to going into radical feminist circles. Yes, I was, for all intents and purposes a "TERF" and hung out with others with the same harmful beliefs online. But it all changed last year when I grew disillusioned by the whole radfem thing, mostly because a lot of radfems are super lesbophobic. There's also this thing called "radfem black pill" which is basically "talk vile shit about women while calling yourself a feminist". I also in the meantime got into watching some porn, which goes against one of the radfem rules.
But once I got rid of this thing, no longer in radfem communities and such, I was able to see that I was almost right the first time around. Before all this, I identified as bigender for like 3 years. I had the dysphoria and everything. And then I think I was repressing my feelings but also I was really miserable. I've been miserable ever since 2015, for like a decade. No more. It takes time to take the ideology mantle off of me because I was in those circles for the longest time. But the dysphoria came back with a vengeance because it's all I can think of and feel right now. It waxes and wanes but overall? Totally want to transition, totally want to have my ideal body. I've been talking to Gemini AI about it and he suggested some things but most aren't to my liking. I won't go into details, but yeah... a phallo is most likely not for me because of reasons. It's complicated.
tl;dr BL is cool, but it didn't really help me all that much probably.... the "wanting to top a guy" is also because I don't want to be topped (but it's also because being top is the role I can imagine I'd fulfill for my partners). This is awkward to talk about and I have the feeling is too tmi for this club. But yeah, I was scared of men (and still am kinda) because of their dicks. I was disgusted about them and all... because of their potential to use them in horrible ways. But I get it now: I want a dick myself and that doesn't make me evil or anything.
As dysphoria fluctuates, I'm left with the question: is it worth to transition at all? But it's for me to answer it and I'd need to get the money first, etc. All in all, I had a weird road to go through. I bet people irl from Pride will be surprised now to find out I'm genderfluid and want to transition. It's all I can do right now to tell them I was wrong about these things in the past. I don't expect them to believe me or accept me but it's understandable why.