He was the best looking guy on campus. And when he wore a suit, it looked like it was tailored for him. Well over 6', he could also play the guitar, was learning to sing, and had adorable puppy-dog brown eyes. His skin was a golden brown, and his dark black hair had a slight wave right at the nape of his neck. He was mixed Caucasian-Asian, and had chiseled features. When he smiled at you, you felt like you were the most important person in his world. He was soft-spoken and always opened the door for ladies. Always there to lend a hand, he volunteered for many things. And he was interested in ME. When we went out, he was witty and fun. He complimented my talents, told me that he wanted me to succeed.
Until the day we were married. It started on our honeymoon. He began by questioning my sexual integrity. I was a virgin before him. He didn't start out by accusing. Rather, he started out by doubting me. Slowly, he stripped away all my friends and family from me. He either told me they were not good for me, or insulted them to the point where they could no longer be around. Soon, it went from his questioning, doubting and distrusting me, to being directly called a whore, slut, impure, not good enough. Finally, emotionally I began to question my own self-worth. Was there something I did unconsciously that made him angry? It never dawned on me that his anger was HIS problem. “I’m Sorry” became a part of my daily vocabulary. On the 2 occasions early in our marriage that I dared to voice my opinion, he grabbed me by my arms, lifted me up and threw me down on the thinly padded futon like a rag doll. I had bruises on my arms for 2 weeks after. I was surrounded by not only him but his abusive family, for years with no support of my own. Isolated and alone. I was not allowed internet or email, and only restricted use of phones. He would be there listening. Any acquaintances were by his approval only. After sex, he would kick and push me away, hard, leaving bruises all over my legs, calling me a whore or a slut. If the house was not kept absolutely dust free, I would be accused of being unclean and unfit. He would constantly remind me how much better at everything other women were. What was wrong with me that I was not better like them? I began to question what I was doing so wrong to displease him. Why couldn’t I be better? I strove to make our relationship work, thinking that if I only could be better at cooking, cleaning, pleasing him, I could make it better. If any man so much as said hello to me in a group outing or event, I was accused of flirting and being a hooker. I started dressing in less and less attractive clothes, covering myself more because I didn’t want to give him reason to be angry at me for attracting attention. I began to change what I wore, how I acted to avoid his anger, displeasure and rejection. If I ‘repaired’ one area he thought was wrong with me, he would move on to another. There was less and less of ‘me’. And there was never any satisfying him.
From the outside, we were a happily married couple of 8 years. I had no idea I was in an abusive relationship. Not one single person in my life had ever sat down and outlined what abuse is, what it looks like, and that society condemns it without apology. It was not a subject that was brought up in school, home or socially.
I was ashamed and afraid. Ashamed that I had failed to make the marriage work. Ashamed to face my family as a failure, ashamed and afraid my friends would no longer take me back. Afraid of what he would do to me and our son, and afraid to start my life again from nothing. Most of all, I was afraid because I no longer knew who ‘I’ was. For years I had been molded and told Who I was, What I was, How I was allowed to act, speak, and even think.
The final straw came when he threatened to take our 2 year old son from me, threatening to claim I was ‘emotionally unstable’, and that I would never see him again. He threatened to have me locked up, and that they would do it for him as he was a local boy with connections and we were living in HIS home town. HE was in complete control of my life and I had no way out.
To make an already long story evt. come to an end, I was finally able to leave through a bit of cunning, and a whole lot of stress, in which at times would leave my whole body shaking and my teeth chattering uncontrollably in fear. It was not until after I was out that I began to examine what happened, how I came to be in such a horrible place in my life. It was only through sound education that I realized that what I had experienced was not just a ‘bad relationship’. It was an abusive one.
Now I can say after 9 years in a healthy relationship in which *shocker* my man actually encourages me and accepts me, flaws and all, that I am a different person, and would never EVER be in that position again. I am beautiful, talented, abrasive, kind-hearted, outspoken and many more things that I have learned to embrace. And anyone who doesn’t like it can, well, can do whatever they do because I don’t care at this point. It has taken YEARS to get over the psychological scars and fear that held me entrapped. I would not wish it on any man, woman or child out there. And yet I know that even as I say this, there are many stories of members here on MDL who have experience similar, some not as bad, and some worse than what I have. I don’t read this article with anger, but rather with great sadness and grief. Grief for those who cannot see how devastating domestic violence is, grief for those who are still in abusive relationships, grief for those who have escaped DV and reading this article has brought flash-backs to the traumas they have endured. And most of all grief and growing determination that we as a society need to continue to provide better education and standards to our youth so that they unlike myself will not unknowingly and unwittingly go into, or in any way be a part of an abusive relationship in the first place.
I wanted to share my story as a personal reminder of how devastating and retraumatizing it is for some of us who have been victims of abuse to see the face of a known convicted abuser SMILING at you. I actually avoided the article until I knew what an appropriate social response would be. At the same time I am glad it was brought up, as it gave many the opportunity to experience the subject of DV when otherwise they might never have.
The day we get to see domestic abuse called a "disputable scandal" has indeed arrived. I respect your…
1/3 of women experienced abuse. There are also many men who have and don't condone it. My bf is a good example of this. That's pretty high stats. In some areas it is higher.
Beautiful title song. I usually ffwd through most title songs when they repeat at the beginning of episodes, but both the lyrics and the melody are worth listening to over and over.
So far this has quite a few interesting elements...medical, murder mystery, love triangle, childhood romance, good acting and the pace is moving along well. So far so good!
please, all those r nothing compare to Jang Geun Suk in Bel Ami in ep.4 & 5. It is like he was punishing everyone…
Wow, unknowngirl, u might want to tone down the harshness on those personal comments. People are allowed to have personal preferences about fictional characters.
You know it's bad when you keep hoping it's one of those 'transformation' dramas where the fugly frog turns into a beautiful prince/princess, but the transformation never happens. IMO, just start with fugly, if you are going to fugly decent looking actors up without a purpose or point connected to the drama or their character. :P
Until the day we were married. It started on our honeymoon. He began by questioning my sexual integrity. I was a virgin before him. He didn't start out by accusing. Rather, he started out by doubting me. Slowly, he stripped away all my friends and family from me. He either told me they were not good for me, or insulted them to the point where they could no longer be around. Soon, it went from his questioning, doubting and distrusting me, to being directly called a whore, slut, impure, not good enough. Finally, emotionally I began to question my own self-worth. Was there something I did unconsciously that made him angry? It never dawned on me that his anger was HIS problem. “I’m Sorry” became a part of my daily vocabulary. On the 2 occasions early in our marriage that I dared to voice my opinion, he grabbed me by my arms, lifted me up and threw me down on the thinly padded futon like a rag doll. I had bruises on my arms for 2 weeks after. I was surrounded by not only him but his abusive family, for years with no support of my own. Isolated and alone. I was not allowed internet or email, and only restricted use of phones. He would be there listening. Any acquaintances were by his approval only. After sex, he would kick and push me away, hard, leaving bruises all over my legs, calling me a whore or a slut. If the house was not kept absolutely dust free, I would be accused of being unclean and unfit. He would constantly remind me how much better at everything other women were. What was wrong with me that I was not better like them? I began to question what I was doing so wrong to displease him. Why couldn’t I be better? I strove to make our relationship work, thinking that if I only could be better at cooking, cleaning, pleasing him, I could make it better. If any man so much as said hello to me in a group outing or event, I was accused of flirting and being a hooker. I started dressing in less and less attractive clothes, covering myself more because I didn’t want to give him reason to be angry at me for attracting attention. I began to change what I wore, how I acted to avoid his anger, displeasure and rejection. If I ‘repaired’ one area he thought was wrong with me, he would move on to another. There was less and less of ‘me’. And there was never any satisfying him.
From the outside, we were a happily married couple of 8 years. I had no idea I was in an abusive relationship. Not one single person in my life had ever sat down and outlined what abuse is, what it looks like, and that society condemns it without apology. It was not a subject that was brought up in school, home or socially.
I was ashamed and afraid. Ashamed that I had failed to make the marriage work. Ashamed to face my family as a failure, ashamed and afraid my friends would no longer take me back. Afraid of what he would do to me and our son, and afraid to start my life again from nothing. Most of all, I was afraid because I no longer knew who ‘I’ was. For years I had been molded and told Who I was, What I was, How I was allowed to act, speak, and even think.
The final straw came when he threatened to take our 2 year old son from me, threatening to claim I was ‘emotionally unstable’, and that I would never see him again. He threatened to have me locked up, and that they would do it for him as he was a local boy with connections and we were living in HIS home town. HE was in complete control of my life and I had no way out.
To make an already long story evt. come to an end, I was finally able to leave through a bit of cunning, and a whole lot of stress, in which at times would leave my whole body shaking and my teeth chattering uncontrollably in fear. It was not until after I was out that I began to examine what happened, how I came to be in such a horrible place in my life. It was only through sound education that I realized that what I had experienced was not just a ‘bad relationship’. It was an abusive one.
Now I can say after 9 years in a healthy relationship in which *shocker* my man actually encourages me and accepts me, flaws and all, that I am a different person, and would never EVER be in that position again. I am beautiful, talented, abrasive, kind-hearted, outspoken and many more things that I have learned to embrace. And anyone who doesn’t like it can, well, can do whatever they do because I don’t care at this point. It has taken YEARS to get over the psychological scars and fear that held me entrapped. I would not wish it on any man, woman or child out there. And yet I know that even as I say this, there are many stories of members here on MDL who have experience similar, some not as bad, and some worse than what I have. I don’t read this article with anger, but rather with great sadness and grief. Grief for those who cannot see how devastating domestic violence is, grief for those who are still in abusive relationships, grief for those who have escaped DV and reading this article has brought flash-backs to the traumas they have endured. And most of all grief and growing determination that we as a society need to continue to provide better education and standards to our youth so that they unlike myself will not unknowingly and unwittingly go into, or in any way be a part of an abusive relationship in the first place.
I wanted to share my story as a personal reminder of how devastating and retraumatizing it is for some of us who have been victims of abuse to see the face of a known convicted abuser SMILING at you. I actually avoided the article until I knew what an appropriate social response would be. At the same time I am glad it was brought up, as it gave many the opportunity to experience the subject of DV when otherwise they might never have.
Protect the Boss 9 yrs
Great article btw!